Sister's children and my children

[ablum]

My sis has two kids and I have one.

My DS is a couple of years younger than her kids and going through the terrible threes, let's say. He's learning the ropes of life and has meltdowns sometimes. Nothing unusual.

My sis has started to do some playful teasing of my DS to me, but also in front of her kids. I was on the phone with my sis the other day and she was poking fun at my DS, saying he was a cute nightmare and stuff like that.. we were having a laugh about the tantrums, nothing serious.

I then realised her kids were in the car and heard everything and partook in the teasing, saying stuff like ' he should just stay at home, we should lock him away, he's always screaming '. Whenever we meet up, her kids don't want to share toys/ play with my DS. They kind of push him away and say similar stuff to what my sis has been saying about my DS. But they'll also obviously comment on things they've observed. So for example, they'll say they don't want to hear any screaming ( when DS has tantrums ) and they don't trust him not to break toys ( he hasn't actually broken any toys, but they assume he will ). So they just don't let him play with them really. I try to encourage playing and sharing, but they're not my kids, so I don't get too involved. DS doesn't notice too much that he gets shunned most of the time by his cousins.

I don't think it's a massive issue at this point. I hope when DS is a bit more mature, things will improve. But I'm worried that my sis is poking fun at my DS with / in front of her kids and that's influencing their behaviour too.

I don't know if I'm being precious and this is normal. I don't plan to do anything / have any kind of conversation with sis. I brushed it all off as kids being kids. I happened to have a friend visiting at the same time as my sis and her kids were and they thought it was out of order and that I'm being soft by allowing sis and cousins to ' treat ' DS like this.

Cousins are 5 and 8, DS is 3.

I thought it's more of a situation that will resolve itself as the kids get older, but my friend made me worry about it. So putting out there for the wilder world to read and give me an opinion. Thank.

Title should say , sister's children and my child!

Yeah that’s not nice. I would not be happy about it at all. Your sister should be encouraging her kids to be kind to their three year old cousin and share some age appropriate toys with him (maybe some things they’ve grown out of rather than their current toys they might be worried he could break).

It’s inappropriate of her to say anything like that in front of the kids. Does she have no boundaries? Of course they will parrot her opinions and feel ‘superior’. Not good.

I would have to say something to your sister. How dare she demonise your child in that way to her kids in particualr. Your child is hearing the way he is treated- what's that going to do to his self esteem? He might as well tantrum, scream, break stuff as he's being treated as though he is going to anyway.

I'd have a quite word with sister, tell her to cut it out and also if you hear the cousins attacking him again call them out. It repeats after that them keep them apart. A 3yr old doesn't need bully's for cousins...

Your sister definitely shouldn't have said anything around her kids, that's just awful, but you can't expect an 8 and 5 year old to want to deal with the tantrums of a 3 year old.

Oh and to add personal experience... my ex sister in law does this with her kids in reference to my dd... consequentially as teens/preteens the youngest thinks they can boss dd about and treat her like shit - and then complains when dd doesn't want any of them at her birthday party etc.

Your sister is being unkind to your DS and allowing her children to be the same. No doubt hers went through exactly the same stage, but they probably didn't have someone treating their meltdowns as a source of entertainment. Yes, 5yo and 8yo shouldn't be forced to play with your LO and should be allowed to put their toys away when you visit to keep them safe, but I'd expect them to be kind to your DS in any interactions. Also, for some age-appropriate toys or activities to be made available to your DS or I'd just take some myself in your situation.

Next time you’re there and they push him away and don’t share their toys, make a point of picking up DS and saying, don’t worry xxx, we’ll go home then and play with your toys, you’ll share your toys with mummy because you’re a good boy! Passive aggressive as hell but they’ll get the message!

Then say your goodbyes!!

I would be fuming

Perfect.

You are wrong to allow your sister and her children to speak about your child like that.

They are forming a bad habit which could well become engrained.

Part of being a good parent is protecting your child.

By standing by and allowing him to be mocked, you are not doing that.

I would do as @Newmum0322 suggests and see if it works.

If it doesn't speak to your sister directly or give visiting a miss.

You could always regale your sister and her children of THEIR misdemeanours as very young children.

I certainly wouldn't have anyone mocking my children, in mine and my children's hearing🙄.

It's funny because the last few times they've been at our house, playing with DS toys and then not wanting DS to play with any toys they brought with them. . May I add, perfectly age appropriate toys for DS. Or they'd all be messing around on the sofa and didn't want DS there doing the same with them.

I hope it improves as DS gets a bit older. I remember my sis doing this to me with her friends/ our cousins, as I was always the youngest.

@billy1966 I see your point, of course. But I don't think it's fair to imply I'm not a good parent.

I haven't said you aren't.

I have written that part of being a good parent is not allowing your child to be mocked.

It doesn't surprise me at all to read your sister behaved poorly towards you when you were younger.

You sound intimidated by her.

Are you?

You are hoping it resolves itself?

That is not good enough and I would suggest highly unlikely.

You recall this happening to you as a child, is that what you want for your son?

This is a situation that unchecked could easily morph into bullying.

Is that what you want for your son?

I doubt you do.

So you need to do more than hope it resolves itself and make sure it does.

The damage these children could do to his personality, being close family, is huge.

Nip it firmly in the bud now.

Your sister sounds like a right bee by the way.
No decent parent speaks about their nephew like that in front of their children.

Your friend is correct.

If his behaviour is causing an issue stop asking them to visit.

That is better than allowing him to be treated badly.

He's 3 not 1, they are surprisingly smart and will quickly cotton on to the negative dynamics at play.

Yeah, I don't think sitting hoping the problem will just go away is enough really. Stand up for your kid. Nephew and niece don't want to treat him nicely? Then they have no business in your home.

They shouldn't be bringing toys they are not prepared to share to your house or have them out in their house

My nephew is three and his older sister seven. Mine are seven and nine. To be honest it’s really hard work as he has spectacular tantrums multiple times a day and the other three aren’t interested. They vacate the area when he starts one. I don’t see this as problematic behaviour to be honest. Why should they put up with a screaming, hitting three year old?

The talking badly about your child in front of her children is awful though.

Your sister and her kids sound unpleasant. I'd have a word.