Who’s right ?

[Seasider2017]

Dp & I have been together 22 yrs. Bought our house together with me putting very large deposit down (deed of trust)after my house sale
I have adult son from previous marriage who lives with us.

so my problem is this
we both put equal amounts in joint acct for bills food etc.
He has twice as much income as me each month

So like everyone else with things going up and food more expensive, we’ve had to put more money in when it comes to the last week before the usual monthly top up.
So this week I get the gas/elec bill and said we need to sort something about it. He mentioned we will have a chat . So weds night I say have you had ant thoughts regarding gas/elec, expecting him to say something like :
we need to do less washing, turn heating lower etc

No what he said was
there's 3 of us living here, don’t you think ….. ……. should pay more !
Im sure he looks at it as we all share the house
and not that it’s our mortgage house.
for reference my ds does pay keep and he gets half off it every month.

Every time something comes up regarding money, he nearly always refers to my ds rent being put up. When I try to explain we’re not 3 of us sharing a house it’s our and ds contributes rent. He then says “ so you think he pays enough” and we should find the rest
AIBU ?

for reference as I said
we do 50/50 on everything, even though it’s hard sometimes getting him to realise when we need new things.
He has twice as much as I do, yet I seem to end up paying for the little things to save arguing about money

How old is adult and what does he pay?

Yeah I would like to know the same as pp. Is adult son living with you with the intention of saving hard and buying his own place or is he just comfortable at home with you and doesn't plan to move out? If the first I'd be tempted to say let him keep saving as it's rough getting on the property ladder, if the second you could maybe put it up a bit. You both earn different amounts so to me you did be contributing accordingly but that also depends on if dh is paying for other things that benefits you and the household such as holidays/ meals out/ and extra expenses not included in your bills?

How much does your son pay?

NOT HUSBAND

My ds is 27 with sen, pays us £300 mth so he gets £150.
mid be happier if the £300 was put in the joint acct , but he looks at it as it’s his half

Did you legally protect your deposit? I noticed you're not married so I really hope you have.

So… you contributed more to the deposit but have it written somewhere that if you split then you’re investment is protected?

the reason this is relevant is because it gives context to your assumed financial relationship. Ordinarily for example, I’d expect him to contribute more because he earns more… but if you’ve protected your investment in that way then that wouldn’t be appropriate.

I think the way you’ve structured it, it sounds very much like you are two separate entities from a financial perspective and not a ‘pair’. Therefor, your son, or you if you’d prefer, should pay to cover the incremental costs of your son living there. His food, incremental energy usage, water consumption etc… should be covered by him/you. If his rent currently covers this, then YANBU. But if it doesn’t… then he needs to pay more.

You should not be paying 50/50 - the one who earns more pays more (unless you refuse to work full time and spend your days off at leisure while he works).

At the end of the day I think your DS should be paying 1/3 of the food bills, and utilities, wifi, etc, assuming that he is at home most of the time and not out for meals everyday, as he's obviously using them. So I would say the most sensible thing would be for all 3 of you to sit down and work out a fair share of those bills between you. However, if you have a mortgage, he shouldn't be paying toward that, he should be saving that money toward his own home in due course.

So DS pays £300, but £150 goes to you and £150 go to DP ? If you’re short every month surely the £300 needs to go into the household account, since that’s what son is paying for anyway. Doesn’t make sense that it doesn’t tbh

Do you and do both put your contribution into a joint bills account?
I would say that going forward your son will be putting his contribution into the same account.
You dp seems to think that your son is paying him for the luxury of living with him as apposed to paying towards the upkeep

I'm not sure, part of me thinks you've got you and your DS living there so you're 2/3 of occupants only paying 1/2 of the bills, but then part of me thinks you've been together yonks so isn't it all just pooled and split. I'm in between!! How do you split big purchases / any extra money you get? It's tough if he doesn't view your DS as his or a child, having a third adult in the house could be expensive for bills / food.

I agree with the others, that £300 should go into the bills account. It's to pay for your son's bills; it's not profit for your partner.

Is you ds whole income £450 pcm? That is not very much at all and if so you dp is massively unreasonable to expect ds to pay more.
Or have I misunderstood the keeping £150 thing?

Is your son ever going to move out? Given your set up with your partner and how old your son is I can see why DP thinks it’s more like a house share than a family.

I believe HE looks at it as a house share and not a relationship. I’ve been previously married so never worked it like this.
He has always been with partners and always done it 50/50
I also think the £300 from my ds should go into the joint account pot for food & bills only
my ds works he’s out from 6.20am til 3.30pm every day. He’s out most fri/sat weekends and eats out when he is

just a question
to those that say we should split everything by 3 (except Mortgage)
Do those with working children/adults divide there bills by however many are working in the house ???