Why do people do this? (arguments)

[girlfriend44]

You know when a disagreement occurs (which they usually start)
Why do people drag lots of other things they aren't happy about into the conversation.
Things they've obviously been harbouring and now see an opportunity to bring other things up.
What's the point, then you say things you had previously kept to yourself and its starts to descend into chaos.
Then everything is bitter and spoilt and you don't want to talk.
Even if you do talk, your always wary and nothing is the same again?

Pointless, tit for tat running each other day. Only ends one way.

My guess is that because normally whatever causes the argument is the straw that broke the camels back, so the upset person thinks they may as well get everything off their chest rather than keep putting up with things that bother them

Usually because something is the last straw and once the floodgates open it all comes flowing out. I've done it and it's almost involuntary, sometimes I didn't even realise I was bothered by some stuff until it happened.

Not saying its a useful way of communicating, it's not. Just offering a reason why it happens.

Learning to communicate in real time is an actual skill, that we get no help or practice to develop. So instead all the small stuff gets stuffed down until it all comes out under pressure. Whereas if it were expressed calmly and nicely as it occurs, it wouldn’t cause half the upset.

Are you ok?

Maybe they’re things you would like to say to the person at other times, but you know they would just get upset and annoyed with you and you’d ruin the day/weekend/whatever.

Once you’re already in a big argument it’s already ruined so you may as well take the opportunity to say it then!

It's called 'kitchen sinking' (you know, 'everything but the kitchen sink') and it's usually either because;

1- they have no valid points for the 'current' issue and need to drag up the past to put you on the defensive so you are so busy defending the past that you don't see that.

2- or they've been bottling up resentment for things that have gone on but they've never mentioned.

It tends to be a lot more of the former than the latter, IMHO. And it's a very destructive thing to do either way.

Oh yes I know someone’s grown up son who does this - dredges up tons of things. I’m not always sure it’s the straw that broke the camels back - but even if it is it should not be permission to kick off and be a totally counter productive douchbag. I think he’s a bit abusive or at best emotionally unintelligent - I mean god forbid his poor Mother makes her own life decisions without his approval. I was brought up to agree to disagree, be kind or say nothing at all etc.

The kitchen sink term is an excellent description!