How bad do things have to be before I tell someone

[bookborrower]

I'm feeling rubbish today. I've been taking antidepressants for about two years, and they have helped me. I don't think I'm presenting as depressed as such anymore, but there are issues in my life that are causing me a lot of pain.

I have a counsellor but they've been off sick for about a month now and I don't know when they'll be back at work. I don't have any family I can confide in but I have a few people I know from church. I won't see any of them this week unless I go out of my way to arrange a meet up.

This morning I locked myself in a cubicle in a public toilet and had a bit of a cry because the pain was too much. I really, really wanted a hug but there was nobody who could give me one. I dug my nails into my skin because I was hurting so much.

I'm not great at reaching out to people for help. There are a couple of people (from church) who know a little bit of what I'm going through, but they're all so busy and I find it really hard to articulate what is actually wrong. I'm not even sure I know. I'm tempted to just default to my natural position of just getting on with it and pushing through, because realistically I could be feeling a lot worse, but there is a tiny part of me that wants to let someone else know. I wish I had a close friend to tell where it wouldn't be such a risk to reach out, but I don't. It would have to be someone I don't know that well, and I'd have to risk them seeing me as the "needy" one, again.

I’m so sorry you are feeling this way, as you are already taking antidepressants do you think it would help to see your GP? Maybe there is something they could do to help you. Explain that you haven’t been able to see your regular councillor for a month.
You say you aren’t presenting as depressed as such but you are obviously in distress.

Sounds like you are certainly going through a tough time.
I don't know the right words to make you feel better but did want to write something, and let you know that there are people out there who can and will listen.

Have you ever rung the Samaritan's? I think that might be a good place to start. Even if you don't know how to articulate how you are feeling I think they will know exactly what you mean.

Perhaps you could also get yourself a really nice notebook and smooth pen and write. It doesn't have to be what you are feeling or anything profound but just writing nonsense can feel a little bit productive.

I think you could also go out of your way to meet someone from church. You don't necessarily have to talk about how you feel, perhaps concentrate on getting to know more about them and talking very generally about subjects. Human contact, even brief and light certainly makes me feel a little bit better about myself.

Also there is the mental health boards here where you might find comfort.

I hope you start to feel a little lighter soon op

You could talk to Samaritans? Or email them? They're for anyone in distress, not just people feeling suicidal.

I just wanted to say I am sorry you're feeling so alone OP and send you a big hug. Definitely speak to your Dr and as a PP suggested, maybe call the samaritans?

Is there an option for you to see a different counsellor (if you would want to)?

Reach out to the people at your church, I am sure they would happily help you 😊