Life just feels depressing at 35

[Lostintuesday]

I know I may be viewed as still young but at the moment I just feel like I'm at the top of the hill and all I can see is the way down. Parents getting older, relatives dying, children getting past cute stage and into tricky teenage years, cost of living rising, health problems starting, lives not turning out the way most of us planned, single friends feeling lonely and left out now everyone isn't at the pub all the time, friends struggling with fertility and not having age on their side anymore.
I just feel so tired and stressed and I don't know how to cope when things get so much harder. My dd has autism and already there are so many heartbreaking moments when she is really distressed or senses her own difference. I can only imagine these are going to get more extreme. A friend of mine has a dd with autism who self harms frequently and it is all consuming, the worry that she will actually succeed with hurting herself severely. I see so many similar traits in my DD ( the lack of confidence and sensitivity).
And then there's my son who I worry for, being a man and whether he will end up one of the few good ones. The constant worry that something I am doing now will cause him to go off the rails or resent me. How do people cope?

There's a saying " Don't meet trouble halfway". Why worry about things that are not yet happening.

I hear you OP. My twenties were fun (mostly) but my thirties were a slog : two young children , a stressful job, ailing parents and an unsuportive husband who was heading towards a mid life crisis. By the time I was 36 both my parents had died and my husband then left me. It was a shit few years that I would not wish to revisit but it got a lot of life's worst events over and done with and my forties have been much better, so far.
Everyones experience is different but I think that for a lot of people, the thirties are where adulthood really kicks in.

Well, I think mostly I try not to get too upset at the thought of things I can't control, like my parents getting older, or relatives dying. I'm saving my strength for the times when it's actually going to be required.

Also, you're a lovely friend to be worrying about your single friends being lonely or those struggling with infertility, but I can only recommend that you support but try not to take on other people's lives and worries. It's too much for one person to feel the suffering of others so much it affects their own lives so much.

Re. your daughter, I have no advice. It must be a very worrying thing for you.

Re. your son, I think you just have to be a kind person, a fair parent and then hope for the best. My son is only 3 but I suppose I have all this worry to come.

Make time for you and do things to help you de-stress. Perhaps start a gratitude journal and write down 3 or 5 things each day that you're grateful for, to help you see the positive around you. Life can be worrying but it's only your health you're affecting by remaining stressed and tired.

I hope you manage to feel better about things soon.

Comparison is pointless, I cope just fine at 34 as my life is great, my kids are NT, husbands fab, career is rewarding mentally and financially etc.

But you have things in your life that would make anyone depressed, you need to give yourself a break and accept you have a lot on your plate and it’s ok not to be ok.

On a practical note have you spoken to anyone about how you are feeling? Your GP could help signpost to support or look at medications that could be beneficial. Counseling and/or therapy is also invaluable for many parents with SEN children, as it gives them a space to unload and not feel shame for doing so.

@MNchickens I have lots of those things too but it just feels like an illusion if you know what I mean. Like a dream which will one day just be a memory. Last week I was in a beautiful country in the sea with my children, and then I notice something odd in my parents messages which may be dementia, or my single friend seems to be drinking on her own a lot, or I notice people staring at my dd when she's stimming and even though I should feel happy, I just feel anxious about everything which will soon come to pass.

If this is the case I’d really stress how important it is to ask for help.

It’s not ‘normal’ to think like that on the most part and can be a sign of anxiety, my SIL is the same and has got so much better once she started medication and CBT.

I had this at 35, I think it’s a realisation that hits everyone after their hedonistic twenties and having babies in their 30’s. Infact I think I posted on here about it.
It has got better as the time as gone by, it’s a cliche but I try to appreciate the little things and to look after myself

I work in mental health and I don't think it's anxiety. I think maybe I've been too lucky in life and haven't had to feel much pain and now it's all hitting me at once.

I can only say that my thirties were SO hard and stressful, but my forties are turning out to be 100 times better. There is hope!

Parents getting older - yes, but you learn to appreciate every moment so much more as you get into middle age yourself.

Children getting past cute stage and into tricky teenage years - yep, teenagers are tricky but they’re also fantastic! You’ll have unimaginable freedom once they can do things for themselves, they sleep in, they make themselves snacks, they entertain themselves, you can leave them and go out. And they’re so interesting and you can have great conversations with them. I love my teens!

All the rest of it…well, yes. Life doesn’t get any easier or less complex as you get older and each stage brings downsides. But I am honestly SO much happier at 45 than I was at 35. I’m slimmer, healthier (more time to look after myself), my career is better (it took a massive hit in my early-mid thirties because of having young kids), I have found hobbies and interests away from pubs and clubs and my friendships are stronger than they were in the child rearing years.

Also parent to a child with autism. The early teens were hard, not gonna lie. But at 18, my autistic DC is unrecognisable from how they were as a child and has got the best mental health they’ve ever had as they’ve come to understand themselves and get coping strategies.

Stay hopeful. I personally think the hardest times are the primary school aged years. So demanding of time and energy, so much pressure to be a ‘good mum’ and good at everything else in your life. You come into your own more as your kids grow into young adults and you rediscover yourself. That’s been my experience anyway.

@BreatheInFor4 thank you, that really means a lot and is reassuring

I feel the same. Im really not looking forward to turning 40 as it feels so downhill. Everyone around you aging and dying (and our parents getting depresses about the fact they’re aging and dying!) kids growing up. The magic of being ‘young’ gone and the magic of married and babies gone too. Plus the whole feeling less attractive and menopause bit. All the sad posts on mumsnet don’t help!

The only people I know who are looking forward to turning 40 are men with 28 year old girlfriends

I hear you OP. You are not alone

Would it not be better to focus on what you have?

You're incredibly lucky to have had your parents alive for 17 years of your adulthood, treasure what you have instead of worrying about the day it ends. Even when they're not physically present their role in your life doesn't disappear, it just changes. They are always going to be part of who you are, and you can always revisit your relationship with them internally.

Same with your children. They're growing but that's just a change, not something to grieve.

If you only look at all the crappy stuff in your life, of course you'll feel crap. So adjust your gaze. Life is filled with endings and changes, don't waste it fixating on that to the exclusion of all the good moments and experiences.

You're in a very fortunate position, it doesn't make sense to be dragging yourself down by looking on the negatives to the exclusion of all that is overwhelmingly positive.

If you want to spend the next fifty years of life focusing on the negative and being miserable that's your choice.

But it would be a very sad and unnecessary choice when you are surrounded by positives you could focus on instead.

I’m 36 and looking forward to being 40. My kids are primary age but by then they’ll both be in high school (youngest in year 7) which I think will be so much easier. We have had a lot of ill health and worry in my family over the past few years and I think we’ll all be in a totally different position in 4 years which will be easier. I think 30s are actually really hard for many people- if you had your kids in your 30s/late 20s they’re really tiring with small children and juggling work,family issues etc. Roll on 40s is my way of thinking!

Hello. I get what you're saying. Child with autism isn't necessarily going to struggle. My DD is autistic, she is one of the happiest teens I know, quirky yes but has nice friends and is a positive and interesting 17 yo who makes me laugh lots. I worried a lot about the teen years for her but I actually think life has got easier for her.

Thing is, I'm usually very optimistic. I think most would describe me as optimistic. It's just lately that I've felt incredibly unnerved by a slow realisation that a lot that I have now will not be there in twenty years. I'm not someone who grieves my children growing up, I'm generally excited for what they will achieve but it still feels very raw. It's like there's a point, especially with having a SEN child, where you see them struggle and the other children doing different things and all the emotions come through again. I do mourn those times when I didn't know and she was my, to use a phrase from Toni Morrison, 'crawling already baby'.
Same with my parents, I miss them being younger. I feel a lot of pressure to see them and make sure they see their grandchildren often and it already feels like so much time is passing.

Jesus, 35 is so young, you are possibly a third of a way through your life, all this talk about everything being downhill from now, is a bit much to be honest

So if it's a bit much for you, imagine it going round in your head for the 18 hours you are aware, constantly. At least you can clear off from the board when people make unhelpful comments.. whereas the OP will probably now see your post and keep hearing your silly words in her head. Well done for making things a little bit more difficult.

I just think you have emotional intelligence. Many people don't reflect on anything. I think it's often a bi-product of working in mental health. It may leave a bitter taste, but at least you've taken stock of your life, you have gratitude and compassion for others. Life doesn't come with any guarantees, so enjoy yourself. Worrying is a misuse of imagination, but taking stock, and reflecting upon your life isn't.

I was always an optimistic person. Then I hit my mid 30's and my ds was diagnosed with asd, my grandad was on end of life, my mum was terminally ill (both died with in months of each other. My job was stressful I was trying to juggle everything and support my dad. My mental health declined rapidly . Five years on I gave up my job and took a lower paid less stressful job, my son is awesome and I feel better but I've learnt to prioritise my mental health - yoga, meditation, walking, mindfulness. I try not to focus on negative thoughts and look more in the here and now. I feel better about my life and see more positives than negatives.

That’s around the age I had a ‘mid life crisis’ much happier now in my 40’s

I’m 47. My DD is 20 with SEN. She’s doing good (she’ll never be fully independent but she’s happy), but to be honest I just block out thoughts about the future as I find it too difficult to think about.
I was a very happy person until 2020 and felt each year of my life just got better and better. I don’t know if it’s Covid/the world or menopause but the last two years have been just constant anxiety.

I think most have periods like this. I try and offset them by doing something nice for someone - the random act of kindness for someone where you stand to gain nothing does make me realise I can still make a positive impact, despite all the negative aspects of life the OP has highlighted