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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"I will not be with someone who tells me how I can spend my own money"

18 replies

pissedoffaboutit · 29/10/2022 19:33

I'm so pissed off and just angered even more by his reaction. For context we have a combined income of £68k, only £12k of which is mine. We have more debt than I'm comfortable with and currently have £7k on credit cards and no longer have any savings after buying our house, which I understand can happen, but my priorities right now are paying down our debt and building our savings back up. Up until September I was taking home under £1k a month and paying £790 a month in nursery fees, our (shared) DC recently got his funded nursery hours. This month I put that money into the joint account, as I had it free for the first time.

Saw today that my husband had not only paid the minimum payment on the credit card but had spent £300 on two different golf apps. He's recently decided to get into golf, whatever, do what you want but that amount of money on an iPhone app AND going on a credit card that already has a £7k balance is totally unacceptable. I said I'm pissed off that we could of paid a chunk off the credit card this month and instead he's put more money on to it. He kicked off about how he earns all the money, I've finally paid my way for one month, for the first time and now I'm acting all high and mighty, that he refuses to be with somebody who controls how he spends his money, I've sponged off him for years.

I'm so annoyed that I'm being made out to be controlling, spend your disposable income how you like once we have it again. But when we have no savings, and debts to clear then no you do not spend £300 on an absolute gimmick? His comments about me paying my way for the first time have pissed me right off too. What does he think me paying 82% of my income straight on to nursery fees has been for 3 years? Is that not contributing? Not to mention being the primary parent, going part time to accommodate the kids, juggling school runs, nursery runs, cooking dinners, cleaning the house. Yet I'm a sponge apparently!

I'm not being unreasonable right? This is a piss take?

OP posts:
Original poster
pissedoffaboutit · 29/10/2022 19:34

Ps I know my salary is low, I'm a receptionist in the NHS so I don't bring in the big bucks, full time nursery was more than my salary, I'm part time to fit in around the kids and this was not only agreed but suggested by my husband.

OP posts:
Ihatethenewlook · 29/10/2022 19:35

How on earth has he got away with not putting a penny towards his childrens childcare fees??

Original poster
pissedoffaboutit · 29/10/2022 19:37

I didn't expect him to pay nursery fees when his salary covered mortgage, bills, food, fuel, car bills and all other general life and holidays and money into savings etc but to not recognise that me paying that much in nursery fees every month for years has been a contribution is enraging.

OP posts:
Alertthecorgis · 29/10/2022 19:37

Why isn’t he paying for childcare as well?

My DH and I have one big pot. He earns 7 times more than I do as I have a job that fits around our children but he says all the money is our money.

Your DH’s attitude towards you and money seems really poor. Does he pull his weight?

Aquamarine1029 · 29/10/2022 19:39

I would not be married to a man who felt this way. It really shows his lack of respect and consideration for you.

MovingOnUpp · 29/10/2022 19:39

Do you each have a pot of personal money allocated? If you don’t arrange that, then each of you can spend their money on golf apps or whatever without the other person getting involved?

LolaSmiles · 29/10/2022 19:40

He is unreasonable.
It also sounds like you are both ok very different pages regarding finances so when you add in a large difference in wages, it exacerbates the different outlooks.

Ihatethenewlook · 29/10/2022 19:40

pissedoffaboutit · 29/10/2022 19:37

I didn't expect him to pay nursery fees when his salary covered mortgage, bills, food, fuel, car bills and all other general life and holidays and money into savings etc but to not recognise that me paying that much in nursery fees every month for years has been a contribution is enraging.

It really shouldn’t work like that. Who does most of the childcare when the child is not in nursery?

Aquamarine1029 · 29/10/2022 19:41

Neither one of them should be spending money on fucking golf apps when they have 7k worth of debt and have to pay huge nursery fees.

MadameDe · 29/10/2022 19:41

Yanbu. You should agree between you how much you're both going to pay each month into clearing the debt. After all the monthly bills are paid, whatever is left over is shared between you. That's what being a family is all about.

Ameadowwalk · 29/10/2022 19:44

MovingOnUpp · 29/10/2022 19:39

Do you each have a pot of personal money allocated? If you don’t arrange that, then each of you can spend their money on golf apps or whatever without the other person getting involved?

Yes, this. It’s not you paying the childcare and him paying the mortgage etc, it is these costs coming out of the joint amount of money you have available. Once all your expenses are paid, then there is money left for spending and saving. Expenses should cover paying off debt at more than the minimum rate. You are either in this together or you are not. You are contributing to the household by childcare and domestic care which is often undervalued and it sounds like your husband does not value this.
But equally childcare and domestic work should not be just your responsibility- which is why I say the costs of both nursery and of you not working Ft should be borne by both of you. Have you had any spending money yourself the last couple of years?

Ameadowwalk · 29/10/2022 19:45

*joint money you both have available, I mean

TeenDivided · 29/10/2022 19:50

If you are in debt then a chunk of the money isn't his it is the credit card company's. He's being ridiculous.

LimeTwists · 29/10/2022 22:25

You are absolutely NOT BU here!

Merlott · 29/10/2022 22:29

Up until September I was taking home under £1k a month and paying £790 a month in nursery fees

What?!!!!

All money is family money. Did you make the child by yourself? Does the child not eat?

Ridiculous

Changingplace · 29/10/2022 22:32

pissedoffaboutit · 29/10/2022 19:37

I didn't expect him to pay nursery fees when his salary covered mortgage, bills, food, fuel, car bills and all other general life and holidays and money into savings etc but to not recognise that me paying that much in nursery fees every month for years has been a contribution is enraging.

That’s just ridiculous, child care costs are a joint family cost, you covering this entirely is nuts.

And he’s an absolute twat for spending £300 on a bloody app??

Child care costs are family costs, and nobody in their right mind should be spending that much money on an app.

Pixiedust1234 · 29/10/2022 22:36

You should have the same amount of spare time, and the same amount of spends. The only reason your salary is low is because you are caring for his children too, and no doubt cleaning the house.

Point out he needs to start paying you childminder fees, cleaners fees, gardeners fees, and anything else such as decorating or chauffeuring his children. Also point out in law that a wife gets half his money/house as a starting point in a divorce...and does he really want to go down that path?

Acheyknees · 29/10/2022 22:37

But he's not spending 'his' money, he's put it on the credit card, so is spending borrowed money!

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