Should I put a stop to this?

[Mamma80]

I could really do with some perspective and guidance on this one.
I have a friend, who has been a friend for a long time and I value that friendship, She has a DD age 9 I have a DD 8, they are good friends, however only when the 9 Yo wants to be.
Whenever we are together there are patterns of controlling behaviour and its getting to be A LOT. My daughter notices sometimes and gets upset sometimes but I'm worried about the unconcious impact of her being told she cant have, cant choose or constantly needs to allow this other child to control everything. The other child seems to make good friendships, so im wondering if this pattern is only with my child. But its in EVERY tiny detail that theres competitiveness and if challeneged she will cry, and sulk and pretend its over something else.
My friend sees some of it, but doesnt comment on a lot of it and I started too yesterday which could cross a boundary but honestly its exhausting. I think its a jealousy thing even tho this child has a lot of stuff is treated regularly and is not wanting for toys or attention.
My friend is very private and may well discuss it with her child out of earshot to be fair.
Has anyone else had this kind of toxic behaviour and what did you do? I feel I may need to remove my child from the situation but dont know if its because the behaviour winds me up, and I dont want to loose the friendship but I need to put my child first. A certain amount of jelousy and controlling is normal at that age, Kids are usually bragging or competitive but this is another level.
Advice/support appreciated

Step in before she gets controlling , ask your daughter if she wants to play that game , play with a certain toy etc
Let her know she has a voice
It's hard when you first start but you need to defuse it

How often are you seeing this child? Maybe cut down on the frequency of visits and then as previous poster has said, step in and ask your child what she wants to do instead of allowing the other one to lead it. If other child resists say ok but DD would really like to do X and if you don't then maybe we could compromise on something else. If she keeps resisting compromise then I'd probably say well this isn't really very fair.

If your friend hasn't stepped in at this point then I would seriously reconsider her as a friend. You're not expecting a full scold from her but something to de-escalate her daughter would be sufficient but if she makes no effort .... Then that's all you need to know.

Have you spoken to your DD? Does she actually want to play with this child or is it just because you're friends with the other mum?

She wants to play with this child but seems to think she needs to ask permission from her for everything and Im meaning this child controls her toys, what she can do, where she can walk ect. Its small scale but constant, We see them fairly regularly although even if its been a good break it escalates within a short time.
My friend has stepped in a few times recently which has then resulted in sulking and crying when told off and frankly talking to her mum really badly. I appreciate we all parent differently and they may view my child differently to me, but honestly Id rip mine a new one if she spoke to me that way.
Ive started to say, no play fairly, your not in competition. Thats not fair ect but it just seems to make her more spiteful.
I dont know weather to say to my friend, is this all the time and a problem, or only with my child and how do you view their relationship because this is what im seeing...

I want my child to value her friendships because they are mutually supportive and its such a key age Im worried shes accepting that its okay to be manipulated

I would honestly step away from this friendship. This doesn't sound healthy at all, and not in any means what a friend is. She does sound competitive and spiteful. Surely your dd doesn't need friends like this?

This is the perfect time for some helicopter parenting. Be in the room the entire visit. Call the madam out on every single out of line comment - smiling of course. . Help dd become more assertive.. She may feel confident enough to dump the 'friend' herself..

I think you need to listen to your gut on this one. Your friendship with the mother needs to come second to your dcs confidence and feelings. Unfortunately she is likely to put her child's feelings before yours or could even be blind to it (I've met many parents that are).

I would start making it clear her dd is being bossy firstly to the other child ie' why don't you let her choose this one ' or ' I'm not sure she wants to do that ' and also say to your friend ' dd can be a bit shy about saying what she wants to do ' hopefully if you keep intervening your friends will sort it out properly .

Suggest get togethers with your friend that don't involve the kids. You can continue being friends but I wouldn't be inflicting her DD's behaviour on my child.

Just meet as adults and the DC out of it for a few years until her DD matures or whatever issue that is going on has been resolved. She could well be being bullied and acting out where the power balance is in her favour. Regardless it's not good for your DD to be subject to this.

Meet away from your friends house. Reduce the opportunity for friends dd to get territorial

90% are at ours, when at theirs My DD is told what she can play with and if she expresses an interest in something it will deliberately be chosen so she cant have it. When at ours She will choose what shes having from my DD and then winge and moan if it has to be shared. Often brings toys to ours but are always forgotten and she goes for ours. Last time we went out they each took a toy, they played with their own, then swopped, as usual after a short time the other child wants to play with both so that mine has none, mine agrees, shes usually very amenable, then after a while says can I have a go with both too? To which full on its not fair ive got nothing from the other child and wouldnt let her. Eventually "allows" her and literally 60 seconds in is deliberately trying to run up to her to stop her. She then got hurt, not ideal but very much her own fault, and had a full tantrum again making out it was about something else, crying, stropping.

Im writing all this and I know the answers above are right.
This is my view, I really dont know what my friend thinks. I know before shes made a comment about them being as bad as each other, but Ive only seen it very very occasionally from my child and usually in retaliation but again, just escalates it from the other side.

This. "She has a DD age 9 I have a DD 8, they are good friends, however only when the 9 Yo wants to be." They are not good friends then.

"My friend has stepped in a few times recently which has then resulted in sulking and crying when told off and frankly talking to her mum really badly. I appreciate we all parent differently and they may view my child differently to me, but honestly Id rip mine a new one if she spoke to me that way."

Don't let this dictate how you treat the situation.This may sound selfish, but this is not your problem. Step away from that thought and encourage your DD11 1TJ to make new friends. Are there any activities near you where she could join?

If she values your friendship, she'll understand you saying DD seems to not be enjoying their get togethers very much, so she's taking a break. If she takes offence, tough titty. Your DD's confidence and self esteem are far more important to you.

Sounds to me like the older child is just spoilt and used to getting her own way.

I know before shes made a comment about them being as bad as each other

Your friend is either trying to minimise her daughter's behaviour or she doesn't see an issue at all and I doubt based on the above comment, that she's actually trying to tackle this privately.

You know your friendship better than we do OP but I can honestly say that if someone put my DD in the same bracket as her bully, I'd bow out of that relationship sharpish.