Partner talking to someone clearly interested

[intheshadow]

Hi all,

looking for some advice. Dp has many friends who they talk to regularly. Through work they recently met a “new friend” who talks to them a lot. I had real suspicions this new person had interest in them. I raised my concerns about the friendship and was reassured to hear that my partner had no interest (I do believe them).

subsequently dp has told me that they have stopped initiating conversations with this person because they thought I might be right about this person being interested(although they have no evidence) and only reply when they are messaged. I still sometimes see messages flash up on dps phone (I obviously don’t know there contents).

more recently dp has said they are heading to another city to see a show with a few friends from work. On probing one of these friends was this person and this person had chosen a show that would have been of particular interest to dh. (My partner usually says I am going with this friend or that friend) They weren’t transparent with who they were going with.

then a few days ago dp was talking about an exercise class that they had been gifted by a friend. When I asked which friend it became clear again it was this person.

I do believe my partner has no interest but I also think this other person does and I find the whole thing very disrespectful (not being transparent, taking gifts from someone with obvious feelings etc). My partner has also made unfavourable comparisons between me and this friend (they have been super supportive while I haven’t provided the support they’ve needed etc.) AIBU?

Your partner is talking out of both sides of their mouth. Something's up, that's clear, and I don't believe for a second that they are not interested in the new "friend."

Wow, he’s an arse. He knows what he’s doing.

This is how affairs start.

Yup. Along with the Script, some of which is already coming out.

maybe.. I mean I honestly don’t think so. I think there is a good chance dp likes the attention. However, I do feel - not openly telling me about these interactions when I’ve flagged I’m sensitive is wrong (a gift - albeit maybe an expensive freebe/ organising a show that clearly catered to dps preferences…) it makes me question what other things are there that I haven’t asked the right questions to find out? Isn’t it disrespectful to try and build a friendship with someone where you have admitted you think the person may have alterior motives?

nb my partner isn’t dh that was wrong and maybe misleading

NO interest in this friend but they keep having conversations, going out in a group, and your partner is receiving and is comfortable accepting??* gifts from this person.

Can't speak for everybody but whenever I sensed that somebody was interested in me in a way that I was not interested in them I was careful never to accept any favours or gifts or drinks or whatever as I think it can be perceived to be a signal of mutual interest.

He fancies her. It's obvious.

I mean I do kind of feel that way about this gift if I’m honest and it’s how I would feel but knowing dp I don’t believe that’s their mo. if we assume there is no interest on dps part (dp is female) do we think this behaviour is disrespectful towards me?

Of course this behaviour is disrespectful towards you. Your partner is encouraging someone they know is interested in them. That's simply wrong when you're in a relationship.

They would say that nothing had happened that showed that the friend had feelings.

I think this was all okay up until the exercise class. That's not an appropriate gift to give or receive from a single person to someone in a relationship.

Does it make a difference that it was an online class the friend wouldn’t be there

@KangarooKenny and @CatchYouOnTheFlippetyFlop notice how OP deliberately didn't disclose the sex of their DP yet you assumed it's a he. OP has subsequently said their DP is a she

You said...

subsequently dp has told me that they have stopped initiating conversations with this person because they thought I might be right about this person being interested

Your partner knows, trust me. It's pretty clear when someone is interested in you.

Sorry I agree this is exactly how an affair starts. The comment about how supportive they other person is compared with current partner is like the top of the list 'reasons' when they cheat.
If your DP thinks they are interested why are spending so much time with them.

Yes I did say he, but it’s the same disrespectful behaviour whatever the sex.

I do believe my partner has no interest

I believe they do.

You wouldn't have started this thread if you didn't feel something is off.

Is the other person also lesbian if you are both female or heterosexual if you are male? It’s not clear from your post. But I think it’s possible to have a female friend that you want to do classes with or go to shows with without there being anything sexual about it. These are things I would do with friend.

You don’t accept gifts from someone you know is interested in you. I think they are interested in the friend and you should trust your gut instincts. As others have said, this is how affairs start. The sex/gender of the people involved is irrelevant.

Yes. It's disrespectful.

Because on planet real, we can sense if somebody's interest in us is platonic or not. If somebody we have already sensed has an interest in us that goes beyond platonic then we must surely know that accepting a random gift sends back a signal ''ok, ok, not exactly knocking you back here''.

The message I'd get in your shoes is a very clear signal that your partner is enjoying the flattering / attention and is not knocking this person back clearly. They could but they're not doing that. They could very easily, they only have to say ''i'm in a relationship so this is inappropriate''. But they are choosing to accept the gift with a smile. This way they owe the gift giving friend nothing as the gift giving friend knows they're in a relationship but they're not hosing cold water on GGF's affections either. It's really crappy of them. Your partner is keeping their options open. Stringing along GGF and disrespecting you.

notice how OP deliberately didn't disclose the sex of their DP yet you assumed it's a he.

No, they didn't "assume" partner was male, op said "dh" at one point in the op. They subsequently clarified this was an error (quite a suspicious "error" in my opinion)

Maybe read the op properly before jumping at posters for making assumptions over sex

Honestly I completely agree I don’t really post on mumsnet and all the acronyms confuse me. I did put dh and that was an error I meant dp. I don’t mind people assumed that they were male as I could have been explicit if I had wanted to me (I guess I probably didn’t want to explicitly say ) but I thought it may change peoples perception so chose to clarify. Sorry!

Argh what's with the "they". He or she?

I do believe my partner has no interest
Why do you believe that OP?
Stop listening to her words, & start paying attention to her actions.

My partner has also made unfavourable comparisons between me and this friend

On probing one of these friends was this person and this person had chosen a show that would have been of particular interest to dh. (My partner usually says I am going with this friend or that friend) They weren’t transparent with who they were going with.

then a few days ago dp was talking about an exercise class that they had been gifted by a friend. When I asked which friend it became clear again it was this person.

Your partner is "hiding in plain sight" with this bullshit:
subsequently dp has told me that they have stopped initiating conversations with this person because they thought I might be right about this person being interested
If she gave a single shit about you, she'd either turn down the special invitations, or she'd ensure that you were included in them.

I am so sorry OP. None of us have any clue about how interested your partner is in this friend, but the deceit & lack of transparency is disrespectful.