Please help me know if I’m going crazy.
I have recently separated with a man after a few years of dating. There were red flags from the outset and I stupidly chose to oversee them.
I didn’t think he’s a narcissistic or a gaslighter but the more I’ve thought about things I’m wondering if my gut instinct was right all along.
- Financial abuse- He never asked me outright for money, but he would moan/ complain/ be depressed when he had no money (if I’m being honest it was every month, I genuinely dread to think how much I have lent him to have recieved very little back)
He would subtly hint and repeat it I believe because he knows how empathic I have been I would offer to lend him the money and put it is his bank. He would often say “You know I feel bad for asking for money so I’m not asking…” but I stupidly would then give him money. He would then say “oh my god as if you did that thank you so much you really didn’t have too”
This happened from very early on.
I 98% paid for all our dates, weekends away, holidays (he suggested them but then when it came to paying he was always skint) whenever I tried to bring up money he would say that I was making him feel guilty and he would pay me back with x y and z. It very rarely ever happened.
My previous ex cheated on me and he knew how hurt I had been recovering from it, so much so, I hadn’t dated in 4 years. Yet, he would constantly say oh “I got chatted up at work today” or if we were out somewhere he’d dramatically whisper “oh this is akaward I slept with her and she keeps looking over”.
So many times I begged him just not to tell me and he said “oh babe you’re the one I want nobody else..it’s just funny” despite hearing how I found that the exact opposite. Or the classic “Obviously if I wanted to not be with you I wouldn’t be so you shouldn’t worry”
When I ever tried to open up and talk to him about how I felt I was often told “Oh I feel bad now because you’ve said this” and it would end with me minimising how I felt and consoling him!
I just feel so angry and stupid, I thought I was a strong person and I feel like the last few years has changed me.
AIBU- yes gaslighting
Other option- no you just need better boundaries