DS's 'friend' stealing pokemon cards

[pokenamechange]

DS10 had a few friends from school over, meanwhile DS8 was out on a playdate of his own. When DS8 returned and DS10's friends were leaving, DS8 found that several of his favourite pokemon cards were missing from his binder, as well as some unopened booster packs he'd bought with his own money and was saving for later. He was distraught.

One of the kids, Child A, has had one playdate with us before, where some pokemon cards mysteriously disappeared from the kids' binders and then Child A 'found' them down the back of the sofa, beds, etc. We weren't overly impressed by this behaviour, but as they all turned up there was no harm done. However second time around it was clearly him again.

We searched around everywhere, and asked Child A to see if he could help find them. He miraculously 'found' the cards missing from DS8's binder but the unopened packs have not turned up. His mum was very apologetic and asked him to check if they were in his pockets, and he said they weren't. It was all super awkward. I didn't feel like we could accuse a 10yo of stealing with no proof, but he clearly has.

To be clear, my DS8 was out of the house and the cards were all in his bedroom, so it's not a case of a trade gone wrong or anything like that.

WWYD now, if anything? Other than get my poor DS8 some new cards and not have Child A round to our house again!

Exactly that

No more play dates
Replace the cards

Lesson learned

How well do you know the parents? If you know them well it might be worth a word but if its just a case of friendly chatter at pick up, I'd imagine most parents would get pretty defensive without proof (or even with proof sometimes!)

I didn't feel like we could accuse a 10yo of stealing with no proof, but he clearly has.

You don't actually have any proof though.

Yeah I’d do exactly what you are- replace them for ds and never have this kid around again. And if his parents asked, tbh I would tell them why. Explain about the two incidents when he mysteriously “found” them. Other than that. Not a lot you can do really.

Some kids have very poor impulse control and boundaries. This has happened several times in different dc class when they're are bring toys to school day - cards went missing. Parents of children who did it were mortified and discipline the children. Pokemon cards are almost addictive to some kids.

Can you bring up the previous incident to his mother? That would be proof.

So??? Fgs people will excuse children for anything these days. He stole from them, this being the second time but yes let's blame poor impulse control 🙄

get my poor DS8 some new cards and not have Child A round to our house again!

Just this I think. I have two boys similar age to your DS so feel your pain.

At least the packs were unopened so you can replace like for like.

I’d never have him around again and my kid wouldn’t go to his house either. Not much else you can do. What’s to gain by accusing him of theft to his parents?

Have you asked DS10 what happened?

I think you need to explain this to the parents. Just explain what happened on those two occasions. Don’t outright accuse him of it, speak to them carefully.

If my son was behaving in this way then I’d want to know so I could address it. Some kids behave very impulsively, it doesn’t mean they’re bad kids (although I wouldn’t blame you for not wanting this child back at your house until this is sorted). I never stole from a friend as a child, but a friend and I decided to steal from a shop at a similar age. We weren’t bad kids, we were both going through a hard time and didn’t think about the consequences or poor behaviour of our actions. Our parents found out and addresses the behaviour. The shame and guilt I felt was horrendous- but it was good for me and taught me some valuable lessons. After that I was never intentionally dishonest again.

This happened to my daughter years ago. The stealing kid hasn't ended up going much with her life.

Sad times!

Thanks for all the responses.

I would be furious if my 10YO had done this (or my 8YO), although I'm pretty certain that they wouldn't as they know it's wrong. I don't think poor impulse control is an excuse at 10, What if he takes them from a shop next?

The first time, it seemed like more of an attention seeking thing, 'oh look, I've found all your cards' and saving the day after they'd gone missing, which isn't great behaviour but I could overlook it as a one off.

I got the sense from his mum that this had happened before. She was very apologetic to us but didn't have any stern words with him.

DS10 didn't know what had happened but feels very guilty for having the playdate! I had told him not to go in DS8's room while he was out, which they abided by. But then I think the boy stayed upstairs on his own for a bit when the others came down.

Yes, I think you're right.

I don't think this was a saving the day thing. IMO he took them the first time and felt under pressure as he was still in your home.
The second time, he'd taken them home and thought he'd got away with it, but admitted to the loose cards because you knew which ones they were.
His mother also knows he did it, and morally should replace them.

He took them because he wanted them and didn't think he'd get caught. That's it. This time he's clearly been smarter.

Just seen your update op. If the parent won’t address this behaviour then I’d advise your sons to stay away from the boy. Those types of kids make mistakes (as I did) and they can change, but they need to know that their actions have big consequences in order to do so.

I would go back to the mother and tell her what happened the first time. You probably won't allow this boy back, so you have nothing to lose. It's clear it's him. And confronting her with 2 incidents may just get her to deal with him. He's 10 not a baby and should very well know better.

I would tell the mother he's not allowed round again and exactly the reasons why he's not welcome.

Horrible child stealing.

How do you know she didn't have stern words with him at home?