To feel really sad about relationship with my mum

[chocciebiccy]

My mum and I have a difficult relationship. We were always very close but as I became an adult it became clear that the pattern that was established as I grew up was hurting me. It's hard to discuss or resolve any conflict with her as she tends to be defensive. I don't like sharing personal things with her so just keep the conversation light. I've been going to a counsellor and have talked through some of this with him.

Last night I had a conversation-turned-argument with my mum that started out with me saying I felt upset about something she'd said. It escalated very quickly and basically she said that I wasn't the only important one and that I'd done things in the past to hurt her too which she had just decided to push aside. We didn't really get to repair the situation last night.

I feel really sad because I think I'm just going to have to accept that I'm not going to be able to have a good, close relationship with my mum. I feel like the issues go too deep to be fixed and I don't think she has any idea that they exist. If we can't even resolve everyday arguments like the one last night, it seems doubtful that we could talk through the unhealthy patterns over the years that have really hurt me. Lots of my friends get on so well with their mums and tell them everything, but I just can't see how I'd ever have that. I feel alone.

You aren't alone, you just miss the mum you'd have liked to have had. I envy friends with good mum relationships. I don't think it's necessarily the norm, though. More good fortune?

I don't have the greatest relationship with my mother. I've reconciled myself to it, to a degree, but she's still difficult to engage with and almost every conversation descends into an argument. We're very different people, which doesn't help. There's a long-running thread here, Stately Homes, which deals with difficult relationships with parents - not only does it help to gauge perspective, it also gives you tips on how to deal.

You're not alone.

There are an awful lot of us out here with similar stories to you. It’s hard to live with, sometimes, but I’m always meeting people with difficult mothers.

I wish I had grown up knowing I had a mother who I could turn to when life was shit, but that wasn’t to be. Instead I have tried very hard to be that sort of mum to my Dd.

As previously said, the Stately Homes thread is good.

@chocciebiccy I can hugely relate. It is incredibly lonely, to not have that closeness that so many experience. I found myself upset recently realising that I wished my lovely neighbour was my real mum, as she's always been so kind.

My mother is self-absorbed & supremely selfish. My childhood was spent making sure her feelings were prioritised rather than my emotional needs met as a child. She was also unpredictably violent (smacking me for asking innocent questions & making innocent observations as a young child), so I learnt that it was safer not to share my thoughts & feelings with her - but that's another story.

The long & the short of it is that your mother (like mine) is probably a self-serving Narcissist, & you'll never change her. I know it's become a very popular label to fling around, but I'd imagine there's a high chance this is what she is. The whole, "I wasn't the only important one and that I'd done things in the past to hurt her too which she had just decided to push aside" could have been something my own mum said. As a parent, your child's needs come first, not your own. They just can't see that.

You're doing the right thing by working through your pain with a Therapist. I'm on the same journey myself. It's a comfort to know that the state of the relationship isn't my fault. My mum has repeatedly proved herself to be incapable of behaving any differently. I'm Low Contact now, & it gives me more peace. It's a horrible thing to admit, but I won't miss her when she's gone, & that's very sad for both of us. I know she was badly parented herself (maybe like your own mum), but she's bright enough to have tried to evolve & not repeat the patterns - she didn't, & I believe she chose not to. I've made an active choice to make sure I don't treat my DC as I was treated. Cycles can be broken. It's a small comfort.

Sending hugs x

Just here to say the same, hope ur ok it’s a hard journey, and it’s sad but once you come to terms with the fact that you don’t have a mum who can support you emotionally you start to learn who to turn to instead. A close friend maybe, a sibling, and partner, a counsellor. It might seem like everyone has these great mums that they get on brilliantly with, but there are so many posts proving that isn’t the case here on mumsnet, it’s sad but you just can’t change people.

Yeah - I feel your pain.

My Dad died earlier this year and my Mum travelled 300 miles to stay with my brother because she didn't want to be at home with all the "memories".

She didn't want to do anything with me my daughter or my grandchildren. She eventually let us know about an hour before she was coming that she would pop around on the last day she was here.

She came (with my brother) to my daughter's house. I only heppened to be there - I could easily have missed her

She spent literally 3 hours giving a monlogue of herself, her issues, her health, her troubles and people who had wronged her in the past....

She didn't ask anybody how they were or remember anything from last visit that we had tried to tell her - nor did she take ANY interest in any of us.

i tried to ask my brother some techincal questions about something he is in an expert in and she got up started to get her coat on and said "we're going".

I asked her to give me five minutes with bro but she was adamant - time to go - so my tiny window of time to speak was cut short.

Really really hurtful to feel so unimportant to your Mum - but to be fair she didn't say one word to my daughter's boyfriend either so not just me.

Like an earlier poster - i made sure I broke the cycle - but yes, you yearn for the Mum you feel you should have had....

....of course my Mum would say everything wrong with our relationship is my fault. She never does anything wrong!

I am in exactly the same place as you.
my mum has done so my irreparable harm to our relationship. And like yours is very defensive.

I am writing a letter to my mum to avoid to explosive row if I tried to discuss it with her face to face.
Its been quite relieving, but haven’t decided on sending it yet. Do feel I need to though to move past it myself.

Always here if you want to dm me ❤️