to ask for resources for help with 7-year-old's rages?

[RagingChild]

Had it up to here with DS1, who is nearly 8. Has a 5yo sibling.

He's very bright, funny, sweet and kind, lots of school friends, has me and DH at home loads, healthy, good diet, no obvious stressors. His whole life he's had a tendency to fly off the handle at something usually unpredictable - I thought he'd grow out of it after around 4 or so, they are not that frequent (maybe 1-2 a week) but what we're doing clearly isn't working. Usually it's punishments such as privileges being taken away (he doesn't have that much screen time). We have had endless discussions when he's calm and he agrees his behaviour is bad but doesn't know how to stop the anger affecting him. Obviously we had talked about how it's ok to be angry but not to scream, hurt, throw etc.

Sometimes it's something to do with him not being able to do something instantly (e.g. riding a bike) - he'll blame his sibling, start ranting, walking off, throwing, laughing at his sibling, just refusing to do anything. Recently he'll start hitting and pushing me or sibling (fairly feebly). It's like the red mist descends and he's incapable of thinking rationally (which he is usually - infuriatingly so!) which we recognise but can't work out how to basically skip to the end of the rage where he acknowledges he can't carry on like that.

Today it was he didn't like his sibling doing something so I asked him to move away, that sent him off into a screaming rage. Although less frequent now the rages can last most of the day - he'll calm down but reappear and just grunt at us or throw something harmless or just try to irritate us then escalate into another argument when he refuses to talk about it. Used to be he'd calm down pretty quickly.

Another thing is he LOVES to be the martyr or drama queen, "You don't believe me that I'm not lying" "Take all my toys away then, I deserve it". He's often niggling at his sibling, eg sliding into his space if they're looking at something and trying to nudge him away, poke his toys, that kind of thing (I guess this is pretty normal). Most of the time though he loves being in his own space, reading etc.

Friends and teachers are surprised when I mention it as he is lovely at school/socially. We don't indulge it at all and can tell when it's starting to escalate and get him to go up to his room/outside/a punishment.

Anyway, I've seen the book 'The Explosive Child' by Ross Greene recommended and wondered if anyone had had experiences with it? Any other good resources?

I don't think he is on the ASD spectrum particularly although does share a small number of infrequent traits with people who are.

I don't have experience of what works, but I'm following as this could be my daughter.

She completely loses it at home (especially trying to get her to bed 1-2 times a week) especially the 'drama queen' tendencies. (Last nights was 'Fine, you won't get any peace until I get what I want'.....she didn't get what she wanted!).

Just like your ds, school / friends can't believe it as she is the most sensible, calm well behaved child outside home.

She's also very loving, high achieving, has loads of friends, no sensory issues etc, so I don't think she's on the autistic spectrum (not that that would be an issue if she was).

I've run out of ideas for dealing with it because nothing seems to work until she exhausts herself.

Bumping! He did calm down this afternoon but sometimes the terrible attitude lasts all day once he's started.

My daughter is similar. No issues in school whatsoever but rages at home including violence and destroying property. Play therapy has helped a bit (but in the heat of the moment she forgets the tools). Calm time alone and cuddling us seems to make her generally calmer

I find punishments do not work. Talking about behaviour and asking questions and giving some time to calm down help more. Everything else escalates the situation. Especially shouting.

I've not read the book but would be interested.

I've got one with asd and went to a lecture about conflict management. Main message: prevention is better than cure. You need to figure out what stressors contribute to the rages and reduce those. You also need to validate and verbalise his feelings etc you must be feeling disappointed. Had you been looking forward to x all day? Try reading how to talk so kids will listen. Also try my hidden chimp with him.

if you look on youtube, Buddhist monks have a lot of good advice on coping with bid emotions

First work out the emotions underlying the rage. With my ds it was anxiety (he is autistic as it turns out). Once we figured that out (the anxiety not the autism) it hot easier to anticipate and deal with.

My daughter is the same. I suspect she may be on the autistic spectrum but she is fine at school so I haven't got anywhere when discussing the possibility.

Punishment is no help at all (although it difficult for siblings to see that there doesn't seem to be a consequence for behaviour). I try to validate feelings but in a neutral way then give as little attention as possible. Try discussing calming strategies eg counting, mindful breathing etc at a different time. Zones of regulation can be helpful.

Generally my DC has got better with age,although not perfect.

To an extent we already do this, eg if there's a change of plan and we can't do something he wanted.
If we stick to it strictly though he'd never learn a new skill - physical things like catching a ball or swimming have been really tough to learn because he can't do it instantly, and can't see that he ever can, and gets angry with himself if others don't find it hard. We do try and talk it through beforehand but when those feelings descend they just take over.

Also sometimes it's genuinely random, like today, I asked him to move away from his sibling and he didn't want to - felt like that was a punishment because he wanted to carry on annoying dc2! Whereas other times he can be very sensible!

Thanks for the book suggestion though, will look into it!

My Hidden Chimp looks ideal - will order. Thanks @StrictlyAFemaleFemale . especially the bit I can see about there being the "you that you want to be" and the "you that you don't want to be". The fact he can go and read it himself as well as with us means it might sink in.

I was just about to suggest the hidden chimp book. It helped a lot with DS when he was about that age. He’s 10 now and sooo much better. It’s a great book.

Your op pretty much describes my 8 year old ds. He has been diagnosed with ADHD.

The Explosive Child is excellent, well worth reading and putting into action.

The other things that would be worth looking at are PDA (pathological demand avoidance) strategies - even if your ds isn’t autistic these strategies can be really helpful to learn how to de-escalate situations and how to avoid them. The PDA society website has loads of resources.

I found The Explosive Child very helpful. Zones of Regulation is something worth googling. When you and he get more expert, you may be able to spot signs he's getting disregulated that you're missing now.

We have the same and to be honest, we just manage it. He’s nearly seven and it’s definitely getting less. Much much worse when tired. My understanding is it’s emotional dysregulation.

There are things we don’t do. Certain homework will just set him off as he puts too much pressure on himself to be instantly perfect. so I’ve explained to the teacher we just can’t do this ‘fun activity’ at home. I leave him alone when he’s shattered post exercise. He doesn’t want to talk and so we keep everything very chill. I will say no at times when it’s important to say no and deal with the fallout but otherwise I try to be positive and affirming with him. I also make sure I’m
completely calm when he melts down. Deescalation at all times.

He is very academic and I suspect he might have a type A personality. I can’t see any ASD or ADHD traits but I suspect he could have something. I’m going to continue to manage the situation and hope it’s gets smaller and smaller in time.

I sympathise - my DD is very similar to what you are experiencing. I have also read a few books on the subject including The Explosive Child. I've been keeping a note of how often the rages occur and the trigger in each instance to try and avoid them (crucially never saying we "might" do something if there is the tiniest chance that we won't be able to).

I can't remember which books have given which advice but my biggest tools for shortening the rage to the calmer end of the scale quickly are:

• Don't lecture or try and reason/rationalise during a rage as they are thinking with their non-rational part of the brain in that moment (eg "you can't speak to me like that / Why are you shouting just because it's time for bed?! You know it's time for bed etc).

• Become a detective and try and find and name the reason for the rage as quickly as possible by "wondering" out loud. You will know when you are getting close when they noticeably calm a bit. (I'm wondering if you're feeling angry because it's time for bed and you really wanted to stay up longer).

• Stay calm and do not shout back as it will only escalate the rage. (It gets easier with practice.)

• If you have found and named the reason for the rage and they are calming slightly say for eg "It's such a shame we couldn't stay up later. I know you've got so many fun things you'd like to do right now. I wish we could stay up late together it's just we all need sleep so we can have a great day tomorrow etc". It usually calms things further as it shows you are listening and get why they are upset.

• Only use natural consequences and not punishment. Eg I'm going to have to put these pens away as you are throwing them. Not taking away devices/ sending to room during a rage as it only escalates it by them thinking it's so unfair, I hate her etc.

• Doing a bit of urgent hoovering or cleaning nearby sometimes works at calming it down a bit because you are there but not engaging totally with the drama.

• But the absolute quickest way I have found that works for my DD to calm the rage quickly is to say "I know you're angry about X Dd, I love you, come and have a cuddle and a drink etc". It's like she's trying to push me away by shouting but actually I think they just want to know they are important and loved even when they are angry.

• If they don't calm at this and still shout No I don't want a cuddle! etc then say "ok I'll be here if you do, just remember I love you". And revert to tidying /hoovering nearby.

It is so so hard Just remember the love as they are only young still and don't actually want to be awful.

My DS (7) is similar. I try to ignore most of the behaviour (stamping, banging, shouting, wailing) and respond appropriately to the harmful behaviour (throwing things, being unpleasant to his sister) with calm reminders. I don't punish unless something very serious happens such as him hurting his sister on purpose but that's more for her benefit- so she sees the consequence - than his. Because it just makes him worse. My main tactic, which does seem to de-escalate him a bit is to validate his feelings but not the behaviour e.g I can feel you are frustrated/ annoyed/ upset/ worried and that's OK, that's understandable, but you can't scream at me/damage my things/ blame your sister. And try to ignore as much of the stroppy behaviour as possible. A lot of his tantrums come from fear (worried about being told off or not being good enough) so punishing him for being scared seems wrong.

I remind myself that he NEVER behaves this way at school so he can control himself if he wants to, he just chooses to let rip at home.

Also my DS is very active and never slows down but I need to enforce some non active time, to help him regulate better.

Thank you so much @twoastars - dh is definitely guilty of trying to argue him out of it despite me telling him it's not possible for him to engage on that level! Lots to think about there.

At that age he's still not able to emotionally regulate himself properly. Anger is usually a secondary feeling, the primary being something based in fear/pain/sadness/overstimulation etc so I'd try to work on building his vocabulary on emotions and give him the words to put to what he's feeling. Some kids do well with the emotions and pictures of the faces so they can point to what matches and if you can catch him before he blows and get him to see what he's identifying emotionally it might slow him down and help you communicate together. Reassurance is important and acknowledging that it's good to fail because that's how we learn. Would adhd be a possibility where he's getting frustrated quickly because he wants to master things in such unreasonable time frames? Some kids also benefit from kids mindfulness and meditation classes. My dn used to get really anxious and she was able to access that through primary school.

Yes! DH's method is lecture and go on at length about not acceptable behaviour in the middle of a rage and it NEVER works, only makes it worse but makes him feel better for saying his piece.

He will often tease me if we argue about something and say "I think you are feeling angry because of this, shall we talk about it" in a mocking voice and it does actually lighten the mood.

I think he is slowly coming round to the alternative because it works. Come to think of it if someone said to me "I'm guessing you're angry about something that happened at work. I love you, come and have a cuddle and a cuppa" wouldn't that be the best. Instead of, Stop slamming all the cupboards and being such an arsehole today! I won't be treated like that blah blah blah

The hoovering nearby's an interesting idea. I think it probably works as a white noise/distraction. I might try that. I rarely hoover so it will get her attention for sure!

We are facing this and are digging deep to find triggers. From what we can tell at least 50% of it is anxiety based around decision making (no idea yet on the other 50%!)

What to wear, what to eat, etc. I can literally see the anxiety building.

Other times it's snappy behaviours out of absolute no where and very hard becuase you are playing nicely or having fun and the mood twists very fast

We ignore, try not to punish as situation just spirals, act very casual. He says I hate you.. And I say ahh ok, let me know when you want a cuddle

Sometimes things are very heated and that's the part we haven't mastered yet. But I think, and from reading other posts, mostly it's about finding triggers to avoid getting there

Needless to say it's all a bit jekyll and Hyde atm!

Feel your pain!

Not quite the same but similar experience for us; agree with a PP for us anger was an expression of anxiety

Trying to stop the trigger and respond with cuddles or space on her own then cuddles rather than shouting and logic led to really quick changes in behaviour- explosions still happed/happen but they were shorter and less upsetting for us all

Also we found (with some outside help!) that as parents we don't need to respond exactly the same - kids are clever enough to understand different rules different people - and that it was most effective if only one parent was involved whilst the other took the sibling out of the firing line and this dropped the level of chaos - but we tag teamed if it was getting too tough

For us the triggers were leaving the house, clothing etc but these again were symptoms of other things

So clothing sensitivity was only an issue when friendship stuff was happening at school