AIBU to expect people to listen to me?

[theinkblacktart]

Is this something that everyone experiences, or not?

I often feel that people don't listen to me. Is this a me thing, a woman thing, or a universal thing? Or something else?

I think I'm quite a clear communicator, yet often I think 'eh? But I have literally just told you!"

Examples-

1. I have a builder round to give a quote. I tell them what I want done. They say "have you thought of having this more expensive thing done instead?" I say "I thought about it, but actually, I prefer this idea, and it's structurally sound, workable, safer and cheaper, and suits me better, so I choosing this, please quote me." They give me a quote, and I thank them, and say it's too expensive. I will go with a cheaper quote. The response I get is "But have you thought of having this more expensive thing done instead." YES. But I have literally told you I don't want that done.
2. In work. I work in a specialist field where I am in demand from other employers. me- "Things here are not working- I suggest this X needs to change." employer- "ok, we will change it." Nothing changes. A few months later: me - "I've been approached by another employer offering more money. I would prefer to stay here, but X needs to change." employer- "ok." Nothing changes. Me- "Ok, I'm leaving, here's my notice." employer- "WHAT we had no idea you were unhappy!" WTAF?

There are other more minor examples where I think "but I just told you in words what I was doing, or what I wanted, and you're expecting something else, why?!"

Am I odd? Or does this happen to everyone?

These are both pretty universal experiences, I definitely wouldn’t take them personally. Thanks
Builders want you to go for the more expensive option, employers don’t listen to feedback on what needs to change!

This happens to me all the time. I also think I'm a clear communicator and am articulate but I'm frequently frustrated at having to repeat or explain myself again and again.

I don't know what it is about. Sometimes I think it is because I'm a woman but it happens with other women too. Other times I think I must have not been clear the first time even though I'm pretty sure I have been. In some situations sending a text or an email works better for me but, obviously, that doesn't work for many situations. Sorry to say this but I'm glad it's not just me!

Neither DH or DD listen to a word I say.

Unless I shout. Then they hear.

There's an expression

"People only hear what they want to".

Would apply to both your examples and I find it's pretty true day to day.

I just shrug and say "well I told you so I'm surprised at at your reaction".

"but I just told you in words what I was doing, or what I wanted, and you're expecting something else, why?!"

Do you ever say this or do you just think it? As I’d say it. Their responses would be interesting.

I never have an issue being listened to, but I do get called aggressive rather a lot. The world seems very geared towards ignoring women’d voices and people (men and women, interestingly) get very shirty when you refuse to allow it to happen.

I'm glad it's not just me, and it's universal. I'm not autistic, but sometimes have people assume I am, so I didn't know if it was that.

To that employer I did say "well, I told you verbally on xyz occasions and in writing on abc occasions. Best of luck for the future!"
And to the builder "No. I don't want that, as I said, I have x.y.z reasons. Thank you for taking the time to quote."

You're right- people hear what they want to hear.

Happens to me too. Then I get called aggressive which I don't care as long as the message gets across and they do listen better in the future.

I don't want to be perceived as aggressive though, for just expecting to have people listen to the words I say.

Why do you care if they think you’re aggressive? Genuine question. The horror of being perceived as aggressive really holds women back, so I think you should examine why you give a shit. You don’t actually need everyone to like you, you’ve just been told you do.

Yep get this a lot (and I'm not quiet or shy). I was with a builder and a couple tradesmen and a female friend trying to figure out an issue. I suggested something, builder was looking at me while I said it. 5 minutes later one of the men suggests THE EXACT SAME THING snd suddenly it's a great idea! I just looked at the other woman and said 'I am here right? You did hear me say that five minutes ago'? She said yes, but of course the guys weren't listening again. It's extra annoying as I'm the one paying them too, so in effect their boss.

The builders are of course listening to you but they are trying to sell you something so that's why they do what they do.

Being called aggressive because someone is feeling uncomfortable and defensive about being pulled up on their own behaviour is not the same as being perceived as aggressive. It's just someone name-calling.

Anyway, the first example is just a sales tactic.

The second one is human nature. Change is uncomfortable and takes effort - especially organisational change - so people make the right noises then carry on as before.

People are listening, they're just not acting in the way you want. You can't control that, it's not about communication style.

Yep. Where men are called assertive, women are labelled aggressive.

I don't want to be seen as aggressive because it's not a nice thing to be! Surely it's possible to navigate life without being aggressive about it?

The builder thing has got to me, because I really was quite clear that I didn't want what they thought was best. I wanted what I want, because that suits me best. I'd just said I can't afford for them to do the cheaper option, so why would I pay for them to do something even more costly that I didn't want?! It all feels such a waste of breath.

I think it's a mix of things. But a large part of it is that we all have so many demands on our attention that we simply can't take on board and remember everything and assign it the correct importance.

I think there is a bit of a modern meme of 'No one listens to women', which has some truth but people think it applies in more situations than it does. Currently in a work situation where a couple of senior men are frustrated because they weren't listened to months ago by some senior women and men, and now the predicted problems are happening. And these men had more experience in the specific area. If these two experts were women it would be awfully easy to chalk it up to sexism

I don't want to be seen as aggressive because it's not a nice thing to be!

Again, why? Other than the patriarchal socio-cultural programming, why is aggressive ‘not a nice thing to be’?

You’re complaining about men not listening to to you, but are apparently more willing to deal with that than have them not think you’re ‘nice’. Why?

Knowing it's not a 'me' thing is the big thing! I'm not saying it's sexism, I was more concerned I was the issue/defective.

I don't think aggression is a good attribute to have. Full stop. No one stands at a funeral and says "She was brilliant! So aggressive!" No.

The same happens to me too OP.

I’m always surprised that other people don’t seem to remember things in the same way that I do.

@theinkblacktart being seen as aggressive is not the same as actually being aggressive though

Bit philosophical, but surely how other people perceive us is the reality. I guess if you believe in an objective deity, who can accurately assess aggressiveness etc, then it's different. But in day to day interactions, how we're perceived by other people is the reality.

Why, though? I’ve asked several times and other than variations of ‘it’s not nice’, you’ve been unable to say why.

So, in short, yes. You’d prefer that they continue to ignore you than not think you ‘nice’ and, heaven forfend, think you’re aggressive. I think that’s really quite sad.

So, based on that premise (which I don’t agree with, but you’re entitled to your personal philosophy) their perception of what you’re saying not mattering and your words being irrelevant is reality. And that’s preferable to you being perceived (and thus actually being, in this reality) aggressive.

That’s pretty messed up.

There must be a way to get people to listen to the words you say without being aggressive about it.

I don't want to be aggressive because aggression is not a good attribute to have. If I need to bully people into listening to me, I guess I'd rather they didn't listen. I feel happier knowing this isn't a 'me' issue. If I came on here and said "everyone tells me I'm aggressive!" everyone would then say that's a 'me' issue, and I need to stop being aggressive, because aggression isn't good.

Here we are: I am telling you I do not wish to be perceived as aggressive, and you're not listening to me.