Aibu to tell his family about health issues

[Anon37738]

My ex partner is sick and hasn't told his family. Only myself. He is not getting better and is alone. He has pushed everyone away and I'm worried. When my family ask if he's OK as he looks unwell I have to lie and say he's OK or I think so.

He has said he won't tell his family but I can't keep lying we two young sons together and I still have a relationship with his side of the family and I am just so worried. I would rather he hated me for telling them knowing he will have support than making him do it alone and pushing everyone away. He's 31 and has cancer. I just don't know what to do I'm so scared.

Aibu?

I am sorry but I honestly don't think it's your place to tell them since he's said he doesn't want to.

I appreciate that this probably feels like a heavy weight on your shoulders and it's shit. But as an adult he has the right to make this decision / refuse support, even if others don't feel it's in his best interests. It's his choice and I think you need to respect that.

I think it's very unfair if he doesn't allow you to tell anyone at all. You need and have a right to get support for yourself in this situation. Maybe you can negotiate a person you can share with for your own support or join a support group of people he is not connected to? Being his carer and going through all this affects you and your life deeply and it's not fair for him to deny you all support (if this is what he is doing).

Can you agree not to lie on his behalf?
So if someone says he's not looking well, you could agree, say you've noticed too and ask them to talk to him without giving away that you know more?
I don't think you should tell if he's asked you not too but also you shouldn't be expected to lie

You don't have to break his confidence but you can and should encourage them to contact him. So sorry you and your DC are going through this

I don’t think it’s your place to inform his family even though I can totally understand your reasoning in doing so. I would keep trying to encourage him to tell them himself, explain that you need support from others who love him in order for you to be able to help him and look after the children.
Maybe he is still a little bit in denial of what’s happening and by telling everyone it makes it all the more real.
Would he talk to anyone from MacMillan or one of the other cancer charities?
Good luck though, it’s very hard.

Oh love. Caring for someone with cancer (as well as work, kids, house) is HARD* and I think he's being unfair asking you to carry this without any help from your nearest and dearest.

You don't mention the type of cancer, or treatment regime but I expect these will knock the stuffing out of him, leaving you responsible for more of the day to day stuff.

Has he mentioned exactly why he doesn't want to tell anyone? Or what he expects you to say to either family members when the express concern?

Time to (gently) tell him how much extra pressure this is putting on you. Perhaps speak to his cancer nursing team, or macmillan together.

Big hugs to you both at soch a godawful time.

*I know that caring for someone with cancer is not as hard as having cancer. I know that. But OP's dh has access to all the support he needs AND WANTS, but is denying op the opportunity to access the same.

There's also the matter of the children. They're going to need support as their father goes through treatment.

I agree. Don't lie for him but don't break the confidence either.