To expect stepdaughters boyfriend to contribute in some way.

[fireburnsbright]

I would be grateful for some impartial advice regarding my stepdaughter's boyfriend.
My SD is 22 and lives part with us and part with her mum. Probably about 60% with us. For a year or so before lockdown she was living with her boyfriend elsewhere. When the first lockdown started they both moved in with us full time. This was fine as obviously we were all in it together and they were both furloughed from their jobs. I was a bit upset at the time though as my husband didn't discuss them moving in with us with me, he just announced it, so there was no discussion of ground rules etc. In retrospect I should have made sure this happened but I was working full time and life was hectic enough.

SDs boyfriend lived with us through lockdown and then on and off following this. He helped out during lockdown with cooking at times but at no point made any offer of a financial contribution to bills and when they both left after lockdown he didn't say thank you, well he may have done to my husband but not to me. I genuinely think he's a nice boy otherwise so couldn't really understand his lack of thanks.

Anyway fast forward a few years later. SDs boyfriend pays a token rent to SDs mum for that being their base, I think £50 a wk. However he stays at ours mostly when SD does, so 50-60% of the time. He often gets his own food but still uses some of ours. SD is in training at the moment so not earning and doesn't contribute.

My concern now is that bills are going up, the cost of living is getting higher. It is unlikely that he and SD are going to get there own place at any time soon. Am I being unreasonable in thinking he should contribute in some way? My husband thinks I am and that I'm penny pinching and he is happy to foot the bill for him. However my husband's work is very up and down so some months he hasn't been able to contribute to the joint account whereas my work is more stable. Basically this means some months I'm paying the bills for everyone.
I want to sort this going forwards so it's fair for everyone. Would be grateful for any advice you can give me or from anyone in similar situation! Thank you

I'd arrange a sit down conversation and frame it as "we need to have a chat about bills going up". Use it as an opportunity to agree heating use, etc over the winter and then explain you'd be grateful for any contribution SD and her BF could make towards the bills for the times they're staying there.

If your husband can't always contribute then he doesn't get to say "they don't have to pay" as your basically paying for an extra 3 people some months.

I would sit them all down and tell them they need to contribute. If they can contribute to the boyfriends mum then they can contribute to you as well. Fair is fair.

Well putting a stop to your husband telling you what’s going to happen, and letting others leech off YOU would be the first thing to do. That doesn’t sound like a normal, respectful relationship.

The problem here is your husband. I don't see how you can have a constructive conversation with SD and her boyfriend about contributions if you and your husband aren't singing from the same song sheet.

I find it slightly odd that they just don't live in one place. Why is that? It seems like a childhood pattern that is due to be broken.

Obviously, you shouldn't be supporting them and the boyfriend needs to contribute, but the real problem here is your husband. It's all very well for him to make unilateral decisions about major changes to your household, but he needs to pay up or agree to make changes. Getting him onside first is important, I think, because otherwise you can have all the meetings you like, and discuss it till the cows come home, but if he doesn't back you up then nothing will happen and you will continue footing the bill for "his" generosity.

It is all well and good for your husband to waive the cost if he is covering it, but if it comes from joint funds or your funds, it is not at all unreasonable to seek a contribution.

God, your husbands got it made. What a CF

Absolutely he should contribute, he’s in his 20s for god sake!! Why isn’t he looking for his own place rather than leaching off others?

Your husband is a cocklodger and even worse, he’s inviting others on his gravy train.

This

Why does your DH think that you should be financially supporting him, his DD and another unrelated adult man?

I find it quite shocking there was no discussion with you about them moving in during covid! That in itself is odd.

But yes, he should contribute. he is an adult, staying with 50-60% of the time. What is your husbands reasoning for him freeloading off you. If your DH wants to pay for him, then thats fine. So the contribution to the household (assuming you're happy for DSD not to pay anything at the moment) can go from 50/50 to you paying a third and him paying 2 thirds - for him and his DD's BF. If he cannot pay this, then just say you are not prepared to foot the bill for an adult male who didn't even have the decency to even thank you when he lived there full time, for free, the last time.

It sounds as though you are only of value to them because you pay the bills.

Major decisions, like the boyfriend moving in, should be discussed together, not simply made by only one of the partners. That shows you that your DH places no value at all on you or your opinions.

As to the boyfriend contributing to the household expenses, of course he should. He and your stepdaughter have probably picked up on your DH's dismissive attitude towards you, and are treating you in the same way, expecting you to fund their life style.

You need a serious discussion with all of them if you are planning to remain in the relationship. I'd start with financial contributions and long term plans for SD and boyfriend moving out.