Divorce experts - can he take it all?

[Countingbackwards]

Divorcing my mentally and financially abusive H... If someone has any legal knowledge, please help me out.

We are married with 2 dc. Before we married we bought a small flat in London. Both put in 50/50 deposit. The flat has a large garden, and i paid and applied for a planning permission to extend the flat into the garden. I also found and paid for an architect to do the drawings. I have account details to prove.

We had dc1 unmarried and i stayed as a sathm. After dc2, we married and i stayed at home with dc for 6 years in total. During those 6 years i had two part-time jobs, which didnt really pay much. He actively encouraged me to quit them since he didnt like looking after the dc, but when i didn't work, he routinely shouted at me to 'get a job' 'make money' etc..

After we married, i found out he had been cheating on me for 2 years. Also, after i decided to stay and try work on things, we started the building works to extend our flat out into the garden. We remortaged the property to pay for it, and he also put in some of his own money into it. Up to 70k he says, but i have no idea. We were a young family and i took it as my role to look after the two little dc in the middle of a building site as well as having to stay at friends and familys houses for several months when the property was unlivable. He stayed put and managed the build.

After a while we rented the flat out and moved abroad. Remortaged again, and bought another house outright in europe where we are now.

Ive finally realised what a prick he is. I want to divorce him. He says our London home belongs to him because he invested his own money into it and i can have this house, which is worth a third.

Can he just claim the London property to himself on the basis that he paid the majority of the extension? We were married at the time! I was looking after very young dc and saving money by taking them to stay with family and not having to pay for alternative accommodation and nursery fees.

I have been working now again for a few years. He keeps all the rental income from the flat. I never see a penny, yet pay capital gains tax on it. I also pay all the bills in our current home. He doesn't contribute fairly, and its crippling me financially. Hes actually even refusing to move out before i either give him the London property or buy him out if this house. Which i cant afford yet.

Can he take it all? We are in Europe but married and lived in the UK for a long time. Can we get a uk divorce?

the fact that you’re abroad adds complexity. From the little I know of family law, different jurisdictions will divide marital property differently. Some are more favourable than others to SAHPs who gave up work for children. English law is fairer towards the SAHP than many. I think also that whichever jurisdiction the first person files for divorce will set will be the place where the case will be decided (so wives rushing to file in one country before the husband files in another).

don’t quote me on this but get advice and good luck.

Hi OP. I have no advice but I have reported this thread and asked that mnhq move it to legal where you have a better chance of receiving proper advice.

The fact you’re abroad is a complicating factor and I don’t know how that affects the mechanics of getting a divorce.

However, I’m pretty sure that no, he can’t take the whole of a house that you bought together and anyway is a marital asset.

I don't believe it works this way.
You would enter mediation and from my research when I was going through a divorce it starts at 50/50 and you try and settle.

He's an abuser. You know this. So regardless of what is actually going to happen he will threaten you the worse case scenario.

Would you be wanting to move back to the uk?

Some if this depends where you are abroad and where you plan to initiate proceedings. Things differ a lot by jurisdiction.

In principle, he cannot just ‘take’ the London property, and he’s being a dick by even insinuating he can. Any monies spend on the property while married is family money and not ‘his’ money. I wouldn’t muddy the waters by arguing for your own money spent on planning pre marriage though.

You also gave up your career for x number of years to bring up children , and I assume you would have main custody going forwards? All of this is favourable for you.

The reason for the marriage ending (affair) makes no odds, divorce is a no fault proceeding and you can’t get more money. You’d be surprised how many people think that you can argue for emotional distress. You cannot.

Also, you’ve remortgaged the London property a couple of times, so how much equity is in that property (may be not much).

What about other assets and pensions - do not forget about pensions.

If you were in the UK I would advise to force a process of disclosure of all assets. Everything is likely to be in the pot as you jointly owned the London property pre marriage, so unless either of you had significant assets pre marriage (and can prove it) and they haven’t somehow moved or changed to become classed as marital, I’d be arguing for a 60/40 split in your favour.

GET LEGAL ADVICE!!

Could you move back to UK with DC to divorce him from there if the law is more favourable than where you are now? A 50/50 split is common in UK. Also 50%
of marriages end in divorce in UK so a lawyer should not be hard to find and there is CAB and Women's Aid to help initially etc. and the process is fairly clearly marked out. Don't forget to claim his pension.

Thank you all!
I won't be moving back to the uk. Dc are well setteled here and i have more of a support network here than uk.
Financially its hard. I have hardly any money to feed myself after all the expenses at the moment, and he wont let me touch the food he buys, so he literally has my hands tied money wise.
I have checked that here divorce is also a 50/50 split. I only want whats fairly mine, which is 50% and i would buy him out of our current house so that i can stay here with dc. London property has nearly 200k equity in it still.

They all say the same type of things to threaten and bully you.
Seek legal advice.

There’s a few issues here. In the UK:

>The starting point will be a 50/50 split of the entire pool of family assets - regardless generally speaking of who initially paid for what/who put the work into an asset - but with children that may change depending on the size/location/cost of the family home, maintenance etc. The resident parent will probably get a bit more.
> The length of your entire relationship - including the bit where you weren’t married but were living together/had a child together - will be taken into account so there is far more chance of at least 50/50 for you (assuming you end up with the kids) regardless of who put what money in where. A UK court will acknowledge your contribution to the relationship regardless of what you were earning.
> You working flat out at the moment will actually disadvantage you in terms of a court’s settlement - you would get a less generous maintenance package because the court can see you can earn for yourself. I would quietly try to drop how much you’re working, maybe go full time if you can.
> The court will not take into account cheating. People never want to hear this but a spouse will never be penalised financially (or in terms of child arrangements) for having cheated. The only value of the cheating is to show a breakdown of the marriage but I think given the new no-fault divorce rules even that’s irrelevant now. I tell you this because I have seen so many people waste time (and therefore costs) trying to persuade their lawyers the cheating is significant in how the assets are divided but it’s ultimately irrelevant.

Your biggest worry here however is that you’re abroad. It sounds like you have enough links to the UK to file here but it’s important to get in there before he does. UK courts are very favourable to women particularly those who took a career hit due to kids - I don’t know what country you’re in and whether it’s as favourable. If he files there it will be very difficult (but not impossible) for you to get the divorce in the UK. And even if it’s not impossible, the process of challenging jurisdiction is an extremely costly and time consuming exercise that will turn your life into a nightmare before you’ve even started thinking about splitting the childcare and finances.

The other problem in terms of jurisdiction is how that would work with the kids (depending on how old they are) and where they live/how they would see their father. There have been cases where a judge ruled kids shouldn’t have to leave the country they’ve been brought up in. The longer you stay in that country the harder it may be to ever take them out of it.

You are in an extremely vulnerable position. I would urge you to book an appointment with a UK family solicitor asap to get a full breakdown of your situation. In fact I would actually urge you to speak to a couple, even three, to make sure you find someone you’re comfortable with and trust. I’m sure they can do a zoom consultation if you can’t get back to the Uk.

A few law firms off the top of my head I can recommend are Osbornes, Stewarts, Withers. Payne Hicks Beach is super elite (rep’d the royals etc) but if you have the money for it it could be worth it. Have a look on Chambers and Partners for some other suggestions, I think they indicate costs too.

best of luck

*maybe go part time if you can (not full time!)

Also, I’m not a lawyer but I have experience of family law from a long time ago. In general other than no fault divorces I don’t think much has changed in terms of the Uk courts’ approach but as a disclaimer the above is not legal advice etc etc.

Without knowing what country you live in, nobody can advise you in any meaningful way.

@RowlingStone thank you for this breakdown.
The problem is i have have no spare money at all. How would i get a lawyer?

My H is an absolute vile person. He shows off this wonderful caring family man persona to everyone whilst hes happy to see me pay all the bills (theyre on my name) and go without proper food. The situation is so so absurd (this level of bullying started when i asked for divorce). No one would believe me inrl. When i try and tell someone what is going on they come up with reasonable explanations or even cautiosly side with him.

I don't care about getting more than him. I just want my half, which i believe is rightfully mine. I also want him to move out so that can get on top of my finances, but he wont move.

Im happy to stay in my current country until i retire. I have family here, and feel supported. Working less is not an option.

I pay for everything and he refuses to contribute fairly. If i stop work, bills wont get paid and i'll get the bailiffs knocking soon. Im good with money management and deal with my situation currently with using credit and balancing things that way. Im confident i can pull through as soon as he's out.

What country are you currently in OP? It might help to tailor the advice.

Good luck though, he sounds like an absolute knob.

Im in sweden. He IS an absolute knob. Ive come so far to really believe and see that.

He's shown his true colours after i asked for divorce. Before that it was careful manipulation. Im very frugal and never buy myself anything. He kept me fooled with expensive purchases/gifts every now and then, so that i would think he's a generous person. I can see now it was smoke and mirrors.

Im past the anger, hurt or revenge. I just want whats legally mine and be rid of him. Spotting the constant attempts of manipulation is easier now, but it's so tiring to live this way.

Is he Swedish or British?

If you are paying for everything atm it may be even worse for you because you could theoretically end up having to pay him maintenance.

re paying for lawyers, it would ultimately have to come out of your pooled resources. You don’t always have to pay a huge retainer up front. Call Osbornes to start with as they’re the cheapest of the ones I suggested above. They may advise you to seek a cheaper, high street solicitor specialising in family if they think their fees will be too much for you. You could also Google some or post anonymously in a UK community Facebook group, e.g. for the area you used to live in/you grew up in/your parents live in, wherever. Also maybe you have friends in the UK who could recommend a firm.

But call them and get a meeting in the diary because it sounds like you really need advice.

you need legal advice. No, he won’t get the house in the U.K. you just need to crack in with it.

He's german. Actually earns more than me, but refuses to pay for things.
Thank you fo much for the advice. Given me some piece of mind.
I think i'll file remotely in UK. Ill try do that as soon as i can.

Are there any domestic abuse services in Sweden? You need some help the fact he is leaving you without sufficient food to eat is physical as well as financial and emotional abuse.

@RandomMess I've told about it to a social services worker who is the first point of contact here regarding custody arrangements. She recorded the abuse and said its against the law, but nothing further. I also called a domestic abuse helpline a while ago, but only got conversational help.

Have you spoken to these people?

kvinnofridslinjen.se/

Its basically a race to file first, if you file in the UK first then UK laws apply. Id do it online today.

@Countingbackwards I have contacts in Sweden (lawyer) who have raised their voices around how unfairly women can get treated during a divorce in Sweden. Something was recently published based on their work. It might be worth seeing if they can guide you from a Swedish legal viewpoint. PM if you want to discuss this.

@Fladdermus yes i have. I actually have a direct number to one person there. I spoke to her before he started this extreme bullying so i should call again. She told me to get in touch if i needed to. For some reason this summer i just decided to suck it up, stay strong and not let him see im affected by this.

One problem I've seen with divorce in Sweden is that it's too easy. It can pretty much be done by post with no oversight. So I know women who have been left with nothing, not because they aren't entitled to anything, but because they're so desperate to get away that they agree to leave with nothing. A court in the UK would never approve this.

Whatever you do don't let him bully and intimidate you into agreeing to or signing anything without proper legal advice.