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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birthday meal

19 replies

AIBU79 · 27/10/2022 19:43

My SO’s birthday is coming up and today he announced that he wanted to go to an expensive curry house and wants me to pay for it. Now I don’t like curry AT ALL. I have already bought his presents so it’s not like I have spare cash lying about. He earns about 3 times what I do, but bills are split 50/50 so I don’t have a lot of disposable income, especially as we recently moved into a very expensive house he wanted. I wanted a cheaper house. On my birthday, I had to pay to take us all (him and both of our kids) out for lunch. Throughout he did absolutely nothing except complain that the food didn’t arrive fast enough. AIBU not wanting to pay for an expensive meal that I won’t eat?

OP posts:
Squidlydoo · 27/10/2022 19:49

i suspect the real issue is not the meal but your division of family costs… alongside his “expectation that you pay” for his meal.

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 27/10/2022 19:57

Tell him no, that he did t pay for your birthday meal so why would he expect you to pay for his?

Then figure out when you're going to have a grown up conversation about your finances.

You also use the term SO rather than husband. Have you made sure you are financially protected with your house, kids etc in the event of a split?

ABJ100 · 27/10/2022 19:59

So it seems like alot are on his terms. Why do you allow that?

Dishwashersaurous · 27/10/2022 20:00

Why are you allowing him to dictate all the terms

BarbaraofSeville · 27/10/2022 20:00

Squidlydoo · 27/10/2022 19:49

i suspect the real issue is not the meal but your division of family costs… alongside his “expectation that you pay” for his meal.

This.

Sorry OP, but it looks like one of those threads where the issue in the first post is very much the tip of the iceberg.

SerenaTee · 27/10/2022 20:01

“As I paid for my birthday meal out, you can pay for yours”

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/10/2022 20:03

I agree, it seems like very much the top of the iceberg. Why did you agree to move to a house that he can afford and you can’t? Doesn’t seem very sensible to me.

But on your specific post - no. If you had to pay for the meal for your birthday, he pays for his. Fair’s fair.

StrataZon · 27/10/2022 20:09

Just tell him you can't afford it as you don't earn anything like he does. End of story.
That way if he really wants to go out he'll have to pay.

Scurryfunge12 · 27/10/2022 20:13

Why are you with him? He seems like a greedy freeloader. I’d dump him personally. It seems all about him and on his selfish terms and as an adult he knows what he’s doing!

mamabear715 · 27/10/2022 20:14

Agree with PP, why are you there?

DrManhattan · 27/10/2022 20:18

Why are you putting up with that sh*t?

Awesomeo · 27/10/2022 20:20

Sounds like you need to split up.

LimeTwists · 27/10/2022 20:46

How about: “Oh, I wished you’d told me you wanted a meal out before I bought your gifts. I can’t afford to do both.“

Be honest: he’s your partner. You should be able to discuss money. He should also know what’s in your budget and that you don’t like Indian food. Why doesn’t he? Or, why does he know but selfishly ignore it?

Original poster
AIBU79 · 27/10/2022 21:11

I like this idea about how to respond. He does know I hate Indian food but it’s HIS birthday so I’m being selfish and should accommodate him! My daughter will also not eat the food except for rice. We have had numerous discussions about finances. Apparently I am being unreasonable expecting him to pay more than me. We go round in circles never reaching an agreement (we discussed it prior to moving and he originally agreed to pay 2/3 of the mortgage as I paid £100k more on the deposit. After we had exchanged but the day before completion he changed his mind due to issues with the declaration of trust. If we hadn’t gone through with the sale we would have been liable for 10% of the house price, so a lot of money, so we had to continue with the sale). I would happily walk if he hadn’t threatened me with wanting 50/50 custody. I have lost a lot of close family members recently so I don’t think I could cope with losing my kids 50% of the time.

OP posts:
ProudThrilledHappy · 27/10/2022 21:13

A prime dickhead like this won’t actually want the responsibility of 50/50.

Thatiswild · 27/10/2022 21:16

Curry is the least of your worries! Just remind him that when it was your birthday you paid for it all, tell him to take someone with him who likes curry and pay for it himself, he sounds awful and I actually think it would have been worth 5% (each) of the house price to be rid of this situation! I’m sorry you’re stuck like this, it sounds really difficult.

Sikaris · 27/10/2022 22:19

He sounds awful. You say he want 50/50 custody but you also say "my daughter" and "both our kids". I'm assuming you also have a child together? Whats their age?

Original poster
AIBU79 · 27/10/2022 23:03

Sorry, they are both ours. I don’t have any additional children besides the two we share. One is 8, one is 5.

OP posts:
Houseplantmad · 27/10/2022 23:06

I think there are greater issues here than just a curry. You are being fleeced and I hope you have sought legal advice to protect yourself.

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