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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stuck in the middle...

27 replies

Moonpie78 · 27/10/2022 15:23

Without writing an essay here, I am seeking advise on what to do in this situation, or AIBU to try and get involved!

DB & SIL have always been quite distant and did have done their own thing, which has caused some upset through the years but I had made my peace with it as we all live busy lives and even though we don't talk often I felt like they were part of my life.

However this has been a far trickier road for my DP's to navigate as they have wanted and have worked at a closer relationship between them and DB & SIL.

SIL is expecting her first DC imminently and due to a falling out a few months ago, DB & SIL & DP's are not speaking. Now the incident they have fallen out over did upset me too (I don't want to go into it in case it's outing). But I am willing to move on for the sake of the new arrival as I'd love to meet them etc.

Now, my AIBU is my DP's have said if the new arrival comes and they haven't resolved things that they don't want us acknowledging the baby either privately or acknowledge any public posting. I just don't know if I can do this?

On one hand, I am still upset at the loss of a relationship to some extent with DB but at the same time this is my first sibling to have a baby and I feel like it's special, so can I really just be expected to essentially ignore it and make things loads worse?! But if I do get in touch I know my DP's will be upset.

Help!

OP posts:
Chdjdn · 27/10/2022 15:25

I think you need to say to your parents that your relationship with your brother is separate to theirs; when reading your post it seems it’s very much about how your parents feel and you’re dragged into that when you don’t need to be.

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 27/10/2022 15:27

Leave your dps to their fued... You really aren't stuck in the middle here...

Dacadactyl · 27/10/2022 15:29

Your parents ABU.

I cannot imagine a situation where I would cut off my son and DIL when they were expecting a baby, my grandchild.

I have no idea what they are playing at. I think you should say to your parents that the new baby is a chance for them to reconcile.

Keyansier · 27/10/2022 15:33

What was the incident they fell out over? It was enough to make your parents stop speaking to them and you even said it upset you too but you want to pretend it never happened just to meet the baby, not because you forgive what they did/said. And also you said your parents have worked hard at trying to maintain the relationship and it is your brother and SIL who have purposely remained distant by being petulant. So I understand where your parents are coming from in this. But it's not up to them to police your relationship.

Holly60 · 27/10/2022 15:34

Your parents are totally in the wrong. The issue is between them and your DB, not you and your DB.

You could make the point to your parents that if you do as they ask, it will just make it more awkward and complicated when they DO resolve it, as you will have involved yourself.

If you just keep it separate it's more likely that everyone will be able to make up and move on.

Whatever you do, don't ignore the birth of your first child.

Also - if you can it might be worth trying to have a proper conversation with your DB about why they keep their distance. Your parents sound pretty toxic...

Odile13 · 27/10/2022 15:42

It is not right for your parents to tell you how to act towards your brother & sister in law and their baby. They should not drag you into their conflict.

Chdjdn · 27/10/2022 15:59

I’d also add that if you do this then what happens when/if your parents reconcile with your brother and then they’re still upset with you for subbing the arrival of their child?

Yesthatismychildsigh · 27/10/2022 16:09

Wow! Your parents really are nasty pieces of work, aren’t they. I’d tell them to shove it and not bother with them as your brother (very sensibly) does. They sound vile.

PegasusReturns · 27/10/2022 16:16

It’s really impossible to advise without knowing what the falling out was over.

e.g if DB got drunk and punched your mum in the face the advice is and should be totally different to a falling out over whether Truss was the best ever PM.

whilst your relationships are separate there are circumstances where it’s appropriate to support your parents

Original poster
Moonpie78 · 27/10/2022 16:50

The incident was being excluded from an important family event they had organised, which obviously really upset us all, but whilst it has escalated now between them and DP's, I haven't said anything and just let it go.

OP posts:
Odile13 · 27/10/2022 17:01

Did they say why they excluded your parents from the event? (i.e. was there a good reason from their perspective)

Obviously no pressure to answer OP, but I just wonder what was going on from your DB & SIL’s point of view. It’s hard to get a handle on it.

Yesthatismychildsigh · 27/10/2022 19:08

Odile13 · 27/10/2022 17:01

Did they say why they excluded your parents from the event? (i.e. was there a good reason from their perspective)

Obviously no pressure to answer OP, but I just wonder what was going on from your DB & SIL’s point of view. It’s hard to get a handle on it.

I’m guessing by the mother’s demands now they had very good reason.

Loics · 27/10/2022 19:13

Your parents have put you in an awful position, what an awful demand to make, telling someone to ignore a baby. In your position, even if things weren't great between you and DB, I would still acknowledge the baby and want to be part of their life.

Testina · 27/10/2022 19:16

See I would have thought it might be 6 of one, half a dozen of the other… but with your parents now sticking their oar in on what you do, I’m inclined to think they’re the problem.
Tell them you’re an adult and you’ll navigate your relationships your way, and to keep their beaks out.

Basically telling you not to “like” baby photos on Facebook, right? They need to get over themselves.

Testina · 27/10/2022 19:17

Yesthatismychildsigh · 27/10/2022 19:08

I’m guessing by the mother’s demands now they had very good reason.

Show quote history

100% this. Channel your SIL and tell them to keep out of your relationships!

Brigante9 · 27/10/2022 19:20

Any ideas why you were excluded? Is your sil leading the way with this?

You need to tell your dps that your relationship with your Db and sil has nothing to with them. Could you speak to your db to try a rapprochement?

DashboardConfessional · 27/10/2022 19:23

Well. My ex-workmate's parents did this due to disagreements over her brother's wedding. She sided with them and never saw her toddler nephew again. They are now both dead and she has no family. Not to sound mercenary!

SpookyMcGhoul · 27/10/2022 19:24

As PP have said, your relationship with your DV and SIL is completely separate to your DPs relationship with them. Maintain a relationship if you want to, but if your parents continue trying to make you choose then you need to be firm with them and explain they can't use you as a pawn in their games.

From an outsiders POV - the fact your parents would even ask that of you, and the fact they're considering that makes me think your DB and SIL weren't wrong to not invite them to something. Their reaction seems totally OTT, and tbh very petty and spiteful. If your SIL is due soon, the last thing she'll be needing is stress from your parents (who sound very stressful!) acting like this.

Ponoka7 · 27/10/2022 19:27

This is seriously messed

OhmygodDont · 27/10/2022 19:28

So you guys where excluded from a baby shower/gender reveal/pregnancy reveal?

The argument between your dps and bil/sil is exactly that between them. If they don’t want to make up that’s upto them. If you want want to see brother sil and baby that’s for you they cannot ban you.

are your parents always so controlling and overbearing. I’m going to guess yes.

Ponoka7 · 27/10/2022 19:30

This is seriously messed up. You will become what is known as a flying monkey if you aren't careful and tell your DPs that you make your own decisions. They want to cut a baby out of the family because the parents don't conform. Do your children know that she is pregnant? Are you going to make them do what your parents want, or can they acknowledge their cousin?

Sarahcoggles · 27/10/2022 19:51

It's hard to know who was right and who was wrong in the original quarrel, but without doubt your parents are being unreasonable now. You have every right to maintain a relationship with your brother and his children.

honeybeetheoneandonly · 27/10/2022 20:48

I think you need to decide whether you want a relationship with your brother or whether it will always be dependent on your DPs relationship with him. I'm guessing that's why you weren't invited. They know how emeshed you are. If you do develop an independent relationship, please be mindful not to become a flying monkey for your parents. Your parents have put you in the middle, however, it is up to you to remain there or remove yourself from the middle swiftly.

Original poster
Moonpie78 · 27/10/2022 21:34

Thank you for all of your replies, I do agree I feel massively uncomfortable with being asked not engage with them and yes I agree that's my decision to make. However my DB & SIL are definitely not blameless here as they have made it clear for years they don't want to make any effort, the family have made lots of geniune effort, helping to move, always arranging meetings etc. I'm not comfortable with the narrative here that anyone is being "toxic" or "controlling" as I assure you I recognise that behaviour, my DF has managed to do maybe 2-3 things with DB in 7 years. My DPs have tried to maintain a normal relationship, haven't ever pressured to see them and always respected their boundaries.

OP posts:
catandcoffee · 27/10/2022 21:39

I think I'd just not bother with them both. Your brother and wife have made it obvious you're not important to them.

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