How do I manage this ?Child's thoughts about BF.

[mandarinlady]

I don't know where to type this but I'm bothered.My son (12) has anxiety and some mental health issues which I am currently in the process of sorting therapiues/CAMHS etc.He is stuck to me 24/7.This all stems from the sudden and heartbreaking departure of my exh 3 years ago.With all the love in the world, he tries to control me, my whereabouts, my activities and interactions.I understand that this is part and parcel of his condition. I have a bf of two years.We see eachother EOW and keep our kids out of the relationship, mostly.It's just our own thing.Now and again, we see eachother midweek or on alternate weekends for a walk or dinner.He may drop in and say hi and they generally get on well.On a rare occasion, he stays.It's not an issue.My kids see him as a fun uncle type figure, a friend. They are happy for me and he is good and kind to them.This arrangement suits us perfectly at the moment and we hope someday, when the kids are older and have moved on, to move in together. We have had a tough year due to a sudden serious illness, career change,housing difficulties,kids illnesses and finances.The stress got too much and we decided mutually to try to give eachother some time to sort our stuff. We had begun to pick at eachother and take our stress out on eachother.The joy went out of it and our needs werent being met. We were both really sad without eachother. We spent a couple of months apart and reconnected when we were ready.During this time I was available to my son almost 24/7.It was unhealthy but that's what he needed at the time. My bf will call later for dinner and a walk so I told my kids, just as a heads up. My son then said to me that he has lost respect for my bf as I was so sad when we were not together.He blames him 100%. Itried to explain to him that we were both sad and both struggling with everything and needed time to sort out things but that there was noone at fault, per se. He does not accept this explanation despite it being the truth.He cannot bear to see me anyway upset and almost has a sixth sense for when I am. Also, he really resents when I spend time with my other kids, family ,friends or my BF generaly so this mat be adding to this.Can I ask your thought on this please? Would it be unreasonable to ask my bf to stay at home this evening.

Gosh what a tough situation. I feel I ought not to comment as not an expert in mental health, despite having my own challenges with anxiety on and off, but happy to provide a non-expert perspective. It feels that by doing everything that he wishes all the time, in order for him to feel safe and secure, you are also reinforcing to him that other actions would introduce risk, and it removes the opportunity to model reasonable and 'normal' behaviours and activities that are part of life. If you were talking about moving in with BF my response would be very different, but the occasional dinner and a walk, I don't think that should be off the table, and DS will never have the opportunity to learn that it's OK if you never do it.

Having said that, he is your boy, and needs you in all sorts of ways and of course he is your priority. He of course sees BF as a threat because his Dad left in such a way, and is waiting/expecting similar trauma if he 'allows' BF in. I would never advocate putting the needs of others ahead of DS, but it's more that I'm not totally sure that this does put his needs first....because it won't help him in the long run. I suppose what I mean is that meeting his needs fully, might not always mean doing precisely what he believes (with his somewhat distorted perspective) is right.

All of this with a huge caveat of not knowing the specifics of his mental health issues, so my thoughts might be irrelevant and inappropriate. Perhaps he is simply not ready for moving on to accepting others into his and your life, and would be with more time having you to himself, but at some point this step will need to be taken.

Thank you so much for taking the time to give such a detailed and thoughtful reply.His issues surround separation anxiety.He simply hates being apart from me.When I am in the company of friends or family and an adult conversation ensues, he refuses to leave the room.He follows me everywhere and even comes into my bed most nights as he is anxious.He has started refusing to spend time with his Dad, not because of his Dad but because he misses me so much he says.He can go to school most days and go a friend's party and can mix relatively well then so I'm a little stumped. He is naturally afraid that I am going to leave like his Dad did or that I am going to die.My bf is possibly a threat to him, to his mind.He will be attending CAMHS soon.

Again I'm not a professional, but I don't think excluding your BF is the right move here. I think there are a few important lessons that your son could learn here, with your love and support.

1. We cannot control everything, but we can be okay when bad things happen.

1. Having time apart, whilst scary for him, enables him to learn that even after that time, you come back together and will always do so.

1. People will come and go in your lives (I'm not flippantly saying this about his dad, but others in general. Friends may change school, friendships may change, your relationship may one day change), but we can still be okay.

I worry if he carries this into adulthood that it would have catastrophic effects on his future relationships and could wind up him pushing others away, despite him needing others. I really hope CAHMS are some help to you xx

I known when I was struggling with anxiety, part of my process was learning to differentiate the non-rational thoughts and feelings from the rational ones. I had to learn that I would feel the anxiety (and for me it manifested itself in sweats, chest pains, breathlessness etc.) but needed to recognise that those feelings were not rational, it was my brain doing something incorrectly, being unwell, and quite different from actual feelings of fear about real risks.

It sounds like your DS hasn't yet got to the point of being able to recognise that, which means that all he can do is try and control the situation by not letting you leave his side. I don't know what to advise....but certainly with younger children and separation anxiety, part of the process is modelling healthy and normal leaving and returning, so that separation ceases to be seen as a risk.

And sorry, I didn't mean that your DS might see BF as a threat 'to him' as such, more a threat to his carefully controlled status quo.

I know he is working with professionals on his mental health, and they are best placed to advise....I hope it begins to show some effect. In the meantime, I am not sure what is to be gained by everybody around him agreeing to not do perfectly normal things. Perhaps even dinner and a walk is a bit of a big step, maybe at this point it would be good to normalise having BF around from time to time, rebuild a bit of the trust, maybe dinner first without the walk perhaps?

And agree with everything @GoT1904 says!

Thanks for replies.I suppose I feel huge guilt.I know that leaving and coming back is the right thing to do but he gets hysterical.I know it can seem to the outside world that he is trying to control and manipluate my life and while in many ways they are correct, it is for a very good reason and I understand that. I'm sad because he feels that way about my bf.I understand why he does as he is so protective of me but as with any advice,interventions or treatment; he almost refuses to leave that safe 'stuck' place.Of course, with my bf back in my life leave less time for my son to be with me, as he sees it.It's such an awful position to be in....

This sounds like a really difficult situation for you but I agree with PPs that you need to somehow help your son work through his anxiety issues for his own benefit, not just for yours. I think seeing your boyfriend for a few hours in the evening is entirely reasonable.

Are there any organisations locally that could provide counselling to you and your son to help you talk things through together while he’s waiting for CAMHS?

Another option might be to say to your son that you are seeing your boyfriend tonight, you appreciate it will be a bit difficult for him but then he can choose something for the two of you together the following night i.e. some sort of positive incentive.