Overpowering, theatrical partners

[VentingQueen]

I'm sorry to ask this on here but in truth, I haven't had a mum for years (and this is mumsnet?); mine was a raging alcoholic and what's left of her is an abusive narcissist - my only comparison is my boyfriend's mum (can't ask her) and I don't want to tarnish my friend's or sibling's view of my BF so....

BTW I'm tearing up a now, I just want a bit of mum advice... I'd do anything for a cuddle from my 'old' pre-liver-failure mum who loved me (not enough to quit)... Stand in mums at the ready please.

So the last few years haven't been easy (who's has I hear you all ask - I get it).
Both my boyfriend and I have been experiencing a few health issues on top of serious financial problems (cheers COVID)...
I keep getting pain in my eyes/nose/ears/jaw/neck which I think may be allergy related but my Drs are bloody useless. Injured my elbow trying to 'save' my drunken best mate on her 30th; it throbs lol
He has a trapped c7 nerve (neck) and a varicocele on the left side towards his business. He says both are agony and I believe him...
But.

I also keep getting incredibly bad pain in my pelvis. I don't know what is causing it. I've had a CA125 blood test which as far as I was told was ok, the transv camera said I had polycystic ovaries again (who doesn't) and my last smear came back normal. I still keep getting mad pains in my pelvic region (around where my ovaries are, particularly when I go for a no.2 weirdly) despite no longer having periods (pill), so I guess my first question is does anyone else get these? If so what caused it? I can't ask my mum and the last time I spoke to gynae the Dr said he'd like to avoid a lapro for endometriosis unless it was absolutely necessary. Would any of you say it's necessary?

The real AIBU is. I remember in lockdown I had absolutely dirty period pains. You know the ones that make you wretch/absolutely want to vomit, everything below the waist throbs - to the point even your anus feels like Tyson's having a go. He was getting annoyed at me huddled in a ball with a hot water bottle doing 'nothing' - result - I stormed out to go get the shopping for the Sunday Roast, sick of listening to it and carried it home in absolute agony - because he was b1tching about my 'not being bothered'. Already at pre-annoyance with his attitude I thought I'll just get on with it instead of listening to his whining.

Whenever I'm in pain it seems minute, almost un-acknowledged; his is always at least equal if not worse...
I'm not doubting his varicocele thing hurts, I get no respect for my pelvic pain - I doubt he even realises how much - I just get on with it.
I don't doubt his neck hurts (which as he tells me it does all the time) - but when my elbow twinges and I wince in pain, no sympathy (which I honestly wouldn't want anyway) but..

When I'm in pain I just stomach it, get on, get angry (privately), manage my feelings away from him, because God forbid I'm ever in a hormonal, angry or upset in front of him it gets turned so we're not talking about the thing that put me in the mood, we're talking about 'how my mood affects him'.
When he's grouchy and in pain, I'm not supportive enough...

I realise I probably sound like every woman ever right now lol. Why are we consistently expected to mask our pain and pander to men when they feel any? Maybe that's just my experience, like I said I just want a bit of 'Mum' advice. Be kind with me please, lol.

The competitive pain/sickness thing is a thing… absolutely. Your ovaries need investigation though. What if you have cancer? What if a cyst has twisted? (Torsion) If you feel like that you need to go to A&E.

If I was your mum I'd get you seen by a proper gynaecologist.

If I was your mum then I’d tell you to leave the nasty man who has no sympathy for you and doesn’t care for you when you’re sick

You don’t have good examples in your life of people looking after you like they should, so instead of calling out his behaviour you minimise it and your own feelings by calling it ‘theatrical’. He’s not nice.

Here in the USA as your mother I would get you seen by a gynecologist asap, and they would probably see you tomorrow or Friday because of your pain.

I know in the UK its not that easy..

Did the pelvic pain start after you started the pill? Do you think it could be related to having no periods?

His pain isn't more important or debilitating than yours. You seem to strongly believe, even by the way you've written this post, that you shouldn't complain because other people have problems too. You're just as important as anyone else and you should be your own priority.

I remember in lockdown I had absolutely dirty period pains. You know the ones that make you wretch/absolutely want to vomit, everything below the waist throbs - to the point even your anus feels like Tyson's having a go.

No, I don't know those ones - because that's not normal. I'm wondering what your doctor would consider to be "absolutely necessary", because that level of pain sounds unacceptable to me. So many women seem to be expected to put up with horrendous period pain and bleeding, often to the point where it is completely debilitating. Just for reference - I think I have pretty "standard" periods - manageable cramps (never enough to require any kind of pain relief) and a bit of nausea. What you're describing is a whole other level.

Two pieces of advice:

1. Get a GP's appointment. Explain the pain you've been experiencing. DO NOT play it down! Ask for an urgent referral to a gynecologist. If you have private healthcare or can afford to pay privately do so because it will be considerably quicker.

1. Dump your idiot boyfriend.

If I was your mother, I'd make sure you got some kind of appointment asap. I'd go with you to the appointment and tell the GP that the laparoscopy IS absolutely necessary now. If that still didn't work, I'd pay for a private appointment for you and if necessary an operation.

I'd also be empowering you to be able to stand up to your useless husband. You deserve care and affection. There is zero reasonable explanation why a man should get sympathy and care while a woman has to suck it up. How he behaved when you had awful period pains was disgusting. I would show more love and empathy to a complete stranger in that state than he does to you.

I have never had pains like this either. Please go back to the docs and say you have consulted every woman around you (they don't need to know we are virtual) and you are now convinced that the pain you are having is not the norm and you need it investigating and ask for a gynae referral.
Also, the elbow thing, has that been throbbing for a long time, when was the friend save? Could you have done some damage that needs looking at?

Look after yourself first and get yourself seen to, but you do need to own the pain that you are in. The martyrdom way you are carrying on, despite everything, may make your competitive attention seeking bf not realise how bad it is when actually you are being a warrior. Let him sort his own roast out.

This ^

Seconded.

As a stand-in mum, I'd give you a massive hug and rub your back. Then tell you to book in at the GP, you need your period pains looked at properly, these aren't normal, I used to have very painful ones when I was under-weight, but weren't anywhere near as bad as what you are experiencing.

Then I'd tell you to seriously reconsider your relationship, his behaviour when you are unwell is disgusting. Your partner should be your equal and help and lift you, you deserve that.

Thirded

overbearing and theatrical = narcissistic? I think possibly so, especially if your mum is then you may have inadvertently picked one for a partner.

And equally no.1 please see your doctor ASAP and don’t be fobbed off!