I feel lost and stressed

[Lost30SomethingYearOld]

Hello

I have been with my husband for 12 years, married for 4 years. We have no children. Over the past year, I've noticied that we've drifted quite abit. It's sad but I don't find him interesting. He talks with no emotion and everything feels so serious. I can easily sit in his company and watch something but I feel happier when im with friends / family as I can chat to them about anything and I enjoy the conversation - its fun.

My Husband has suggested we go out for dinner which we have but I feel so annoyed in his company. He looks at the menu for ages and then we sit in silence or chat about my work.

I just think we are very different people and I often think about being on my own and being happier. I've been looking at houses to buy (alone) and I feel excited, not sad.

However, I told my husband all of this and the past 5 weeks have been tough. We are civil but I feel like I'm living with a housemate. I agreed to councilling which we've been advised that we have different energy levels. Each session (only been 4) ends up being a fighting match and we argue.

Somedays I want to tell him I want to start seperation / divorce proceedings but I feel bad. He has started seeing a Councillor just for him as he has early depression due to work stress (over past few months) and this has been the catalyst.

I know if I stay where I am it's comfortable, it's secure and financially, I'll be pretty comfortable. But I want more from life. I want to go out for dinner and have exciting conversations. I want to be with someone who I find sexy and who I want to sleep with. I want to chat about anything other than work. I don't know if I should pursue seperation / divorce during his own personal councilling is complete or wait until that's done. That could be a long time though. I've also been thinking, what if, what if I see him in years to come with a new partner and a family, will I regret not sticking at it. Will I regret not trying harder? It's been a tough week so alot of these thoughts are being triggered by work, and the fact I haven't really spoken to anyone.

I guess I'm asking, what would you do or if you have been in similar, what did you do?

Part of me feels a failure that we've okay been married 4 years too.

Thank you x

Sounds like you might be going through midlife crisis. I would consider this carefully before you make any irrational decisions. You might later find the grass isn't always greener. I say this because my now husband's ex partner left him under similar circumstances. Moved out and unfortunately for her, he met me 4 months later. Only then did he realise that he had been gravely unhappy with her for over 20 years, always trying to please her with the feelings not being reciprocated. We got married 4 years later to her surprise and that sent her to a state of depression. She moved 300 miles away in an attempt to forget about it all but my step children inform us that she's not coping at all and she regrets her actions. My point is, think about this carefully. Perhaps he's not the problem. Perhaps it's you! Stop trying to find happiness from him. Be happy in yourself. Your problems might just be another woman's dream and unfortunately, once he experiences a better life out there, he won't look back. Think carefully. I must add, we have been together for 14 years. Married for 10 and I find him the most amazing human being. His ex thought otherwise

If he’s suffering from depression then it will impact your relationship & he will not be able to be the person he used to be.

If he’s not any different to how he used to be then maybe you need to consider if your relationship can last /if you are compatible any more.

But if he’s going through emotional adversity - then you may be walking away when that person is not themselves & who maybe needs your support?

In sickness & in health & all that.

Depression is very difficult for those suffering from it & for those living with people suffering from it too. It is very draining & difficult & pervades & drags everything down.

I don’t blame you for wanting fun & variety in your life. Can you chart back to when things changed & is the man underneath/behind the depression worth fighting for?

Are the problems in your relationship aside from the depression which is just exacerbating everything?

When did your feelings change? With correct treatment & care your DH could see a dramatic improvement in his mood which will undoubtedly boost your relationship.

Is he on medication & getting the right treatment?’

Good luck 🍀

It has been like this for a year 😔 the depression started a few months ago when he started his new job. X

Is he on antidepressants ?

What do you think changed a year ago? Are you sure he's only been depressed a few months, or is it only recently he's acknowledged it? If it's only a year of behaving like this, can he see the change? Is he motivated to come back to where you were? Ultimately though you don't have to have reason to separate other than you want to be together anymore.

He has just started antidepressants. I don't know what changed a year ago. I look at him and I'm not attracted to him. I have no urge to have sex with him and when we do, I want it to stop, I don't like being touched by him now. Everything he does irrates me to some extent now.

I understand he is depressed and recently he has been spending large amounts of time sitting on his own watching videos on his phone. When I ask him about this it's depression. But how is it he is going to his friends tonight? Does depression only apply in our house?

For years I have also thought he is cheeky to my dad and trying to prove me wrong infront of people. My own dad said he doesn't feel welcome in our house because my DH doesn't talk to him. We've spoken about this and he made changes. The thing is though, I don't see why I need to point out when he is rude or direspectful to my family - it's just common sense stuff.

He isn't a bad guy I just feel that we are two different people now. It's not that I'm unhappy and I'm looking for happiness elsewhere. I am happy in my own company, with my work, my life etc. I just feel happier when im alone or with family / friends compared to being in his company which is boring and so heavy.

Sorry for morning rant.

The whole purpose of this thread is that I wanted space / separate and he ignored me for a week and would only talk to his mum and dad about it. I feel with counselling not working, it's clear we aren't right however, the depression he had months ago is worst and now he's getting help. I don't know if it's worst if I go now or if I should stay and help.

My own family and friends say I'm not myself in DH company. My mum said I'm not natural and it's like we are both putting up a front. I've told DH all of this and he said that we would be fine if we made love and enjoyed it?!?!

I do feel stressed as it's consuming my mind 😔