How did you cope through your divorce?

[imnotsureicandothis]

Posting here for traffic and name changed due to sensitive topic.

I'm really really struggling. I've been in an abusive marriage for over 15 years. I've been looking for a way out and finally decided to go for it this summer after the divorce laws changed. I thought the no fault process would be easier than what my friends had been through years ago.
I can't afford to leave the home and he has refused to leave so we are stuck under the same roof throughout the divorce process. I thought I had become strong enough to cope through this. I knew it would be extremely difficult but I thought I could just get through the process. The longer it goes on though I'm feeling like I can't cope anymore.
He has tried to manipulate the situation since he was told of the divorce. He has tried to portray me as abusive, then I was apparently ungrateful, then I am apparently difficult. Every day he starts pointless conversations in text, then jumps to email to follow up the text message then starts following up again via messenger. I've tried blocking him but the messages keep coming through. My solicitor asked for the messages he sends me but it's hard when he keeps switching up the communication within one conversation. He has delayed mediation, delayed communication to the solicitor, delayed returning forms or emails, agrees to something then says he's changed his mind, he has delayed putting the house on the market, delayed photographer coming in, created mess to make house less attractive, hired skip to sit in front garden as viewings are starting, broken things in and around the house, and generally keeps creating drama I don't have the time or patience to deal with anymore.
I didn't plan to ask him for maintenance as I thought it would speed up the process and keep him peaceful. I'm working over time as I'm worried about money. I've started looking for another job to do part time in addition to my full time work. He's now claiming he doesn't have enough money to live off of and wants me to pay him even though he is the higher earner. He can't explain where his money is going. He is still buying high value items then claims he can't pay bills. I stopped working over time and looking for another job because I didn't want to kill myself with work to support him.
I'm worried the house won't sell, I'm worried where I will live if the house does sell, I'm worried about money, I'm worried about what he will pull next, I'm worried about just getting through this evening let alone another several months. I can't see a way forward and it feels like I'll never get out of this house and marriage, I'll never be able to move on and put this hell behind me. I worry I will never be happy. Some days I feel like I can't even breath. I'm crying all the time. Snapping at people. Avoiding friends but then telling myself I need to go out so I don't become isolated. All I think about is my situation and how I want out of it and the money worries so I'm not great at conversations at the moment. I feel so overwhelmed with everything at the moment it's just all getting too much. I'm trying to breath and focus on one thing at a time but I am struggling. Please tell me it will eventually get better.
Have any of you been through a difficult divorce and come out ok on the other side? How did you cope with a difficult partner and money worries during and after divorce?
Thanks for reading this I just needed to get it all out.

Some places to get help
rightsofwomen.org.uk
www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help
www.solacewomensaid.org

Hi, so sorry to read what you are going through. I’m afraid I don’t have much advice but am in a similar situation, we finally got our finances sorted last week after a dragged out 2.5 years, he has moved now out luckily and we just have to sell the house.

I can only say that you can do this, just get up every day. Put one foot in front of the other and keep your head high. One thing that really helped me was when I actually realised that what he says, thinks or wants doesn’t matter in the slightest. I only respond to him when absolutely necessary and I only respond to the things that are vital for me to get things moving or about the kids. If it’s the other useless stuff I just ignore it.

I did go to court and get a non-molestation order against my ex due to his behaviour. He was never physically abusive but he would bully me a lot, spying on us through cctv etc. is that an option for you? This could force him to move out although I understand that’s a massive step has meant the house is safe from him.

keep strong, there will be a day when you are free and can breathe again x

www.advicenow.org.uk/pensions

Pensions on divorce

www.mediateuk.co.uk/the-ultimate-guide-to-pensions-on-divorce/

www.nuffieldfoundation.org/news/new-good-practice-guide-addresses-shortfall-understanding-how-treat-pensions-divorce

Quick reply.
My friends : local, ones who were happy for me to turn up any time, sometimes sobbing, and ones who had space for me to stay over, and for a period of time some desk space (I WFH).
Family : pick up the phone and just listen to me.
Hobbies : I ran A LOT (until I got a stress fracture), then swam. Anything to get me out of the house and reset. Sport didn't solve anything but enabled me to cope better.
Womens Aid: not great as I didn't need help to get out, but did offer some support.
Samaritans: I would call and cry and cry and tell them the exact same thing I'd told whoever I'd spoken to previously. Again, it didn't solve anything, just calmed me down.
A good boss: I didn't want time off (work is always a constant when life stinks), but he gave me his blessing to be flexible. It meant I could go to appointments or do paper work during the day without feeling guilty.

You'll get there OP, but you need support.

www.sharingpensions.co.uk/penaudit3.htm

Deep breaths and one foot in front of the other - no major goals other than the divorce and every month doing something for just me.

At some point you realise the deep breathing is less, than the anger and hurt is less prominent and you reach a new equilibrium

Dont give your self massive expectations - each day is a victory on the road to your new life.

Good Luck - you are doing fine, no one ever tells you how hard it is. This is a death but not a death - give yourself space to grieve and cry

Thank you so much for your words of wisdom and support. It really is greatly appreciated and good to know that others have gone through (or going through) similar or worse and it is possible step by step, day by day and with support to get to the other side and be ok. I'm going to hold onto that and read these posts each day.

I will have a look at the helpful links thank you!

I haven't considered a non molestation order because I thought it would go more smoothly and quickly if I just tolerated him and tried to cope through.

:) Take good care of yourself x

I didn't cope, I quietly had a nervous breakdown.
Took a while to create a new equilibrium.
But I remember the feeling, a year after divorce had gone through, when I realised I'd not been called a nasty name for a whole year. My life is transformed, and now I make choices. Christmas is still hard sometimes, but it is a Brave New World for me.

I'm glad it's worked out well for you Josephsrose and how much your life has changed for the better!

It is truly horrible for all involved when you are living together whilst divorcing. I have been through this and there were (many!) times I thought I would not make it to the other side. But I did, one day, one hour, sometimes one minute at a time. For over two years. And the peace when I finally moved out and the freedom and happiness at being on my own make it worth it. You can do this. At times you may only be able to look as far as the next ten minutes, but those ten minutes add up and you get there in the end.

Accesscode 2 years? OMG! I think you're right in saying look at 1 min or maybe 10 mins at a time and that will add up. Freedom sounds such a beautiful word at the moment. I'm so glad to hear you are enjoying your new life.

I was in a similar situation 10 years ago. Physically and emotionally abusive husband. I did what all moms do. I tried to keep a roof over our heads and just take one day at a time like you are doing. He refused to move out so one day I took the kids and we left him. I stopped paying the mortgage, his car, the gas, electric everything. I got us a cheap house rental, took on extra work and we were ok. Eventually the house was repossessed but he lived there rent free for over 6 months and didn't leave till the new owners were coming up the street. The only way I got my freedom was to let go of the things that I thought were important which were really only bricks and mortar. I'm happy to say I've completely rebuilt my life. It was though one of the most stressful periods of my life.

Like other posters have said having the support of family and friends is really important but also get a really good female solicitor. Wishing you all the very best.

Justtootired55 That sounds really difficult and so amazing that you've created a new life for yourself. I think you're right about letting go of what we think is important. For me it was letting go of an expensive lifestyle and of what everyone thinks of me. My family can't believe I'm leaving such a good provider, abuse is part of any relationship apparently you just need to stick it through. Some friends have been more helpful and supportive.
Your children have seen how strong you are and that one doesn't have to stay in an abusive relationship. That is invaluable!

It was such a difficult thing to leave because for years I had tried to keep the family unit together but I saw how it affected the kids. It still affects them now which hurts me so much. I can see in their personalities how they adapted to cope with what they saw and heard and its heartbreaking. The guilt of staying for so long will never leave me. The final straw for me was him threatening to kill me. For some reason it was a wake up call. I went to the police, told my sister and left the house while he was in custody. Please just put yourself first and walk away.

Do you have children?

Me too @imnotsureicandothis , I could have written your post and our XH sound like twins. It is hard, hard, hard and some days it feels too much to cope with…but just plod on somehow, whatever gets you through.

do you have your own space in the house, and if not can you make one? You don’t even need to openly claim it as yours if that’ll just give him a target to abuse, just know that it is yours and sort it out how you want; and if you can’t do it for real then do it in your head, allow yourself to dream on rightmove and find your perfect home, and plant the garden and choose the furniture.

you will be happy again love, I promise, you deserve to be happy and free, and one day you will be xxx

The guilt of staying for so long will never leave me.
This resonates with me. The guilt and shame of staying with him for so long. I don't know if I will ever forgive myself and all the wasted years. I didn't realise the person that I had become, down trodden, humiliated, depressed, broken, always on edge, questioning myself all the time, until an old friend pointed it out to me. When someone else became aware of the situation it was my wake up call. I couldn't keep it hidden anymore and I wondered why I wanted to. I realised I really didn't want to be in this situation and I could leave. My leaving has taken 5 years to prepare and I finally decided to go for it when the law changed this year. Some days I can't believe it's happening and other days the process feels so slow it feels like I'm still trapped and can't leave.
I never had children with him. I was very careful about that. I would love to have children but definitely not with him. I think maybe the children aspect was another wake up call. Realising I want them and if I have any chance at that then I need to leave.

Umbellifer Thank you! For now the space is in my head. I have moments such as locking the door when I'm in the bath or sitting in my car that few extra minutes before going inside. I'm scared but also looking forward to having my own safe space. He's got it in my head that I can't look after myself but deep down I know I can. I'm hoping my confidence will grow once I get out and start making my own choices again.

14 months while we sold the house. Hideous, but I did lose a couple of stone. Every cloud…

And I say it’s like childbirth - messy painful and humiliating but so very worth it in the long term.

Can you afford to rent somewhere, however tiny, and get away? Stop paying into the mortgage to force the sale?

I had children so it was harder and I chose to ride it out, but my controlling twat of an xdh did accept the divorce was happening which helped.

I focussed on selling the house (in a very difficult market) and a legal separation with a separation agreement rather than divorce; predictably we got divorced when he decided the time was right.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime 14 months sounds hideous!!
'messy painful and humiliating' Yes!
Unfortunately I am not able to rent. Everything I have is tide up in the house and I'm desperate to sell as quickly as possible. My soon to be ex seems to want to make this process as long and difficult as he can. Days are starting to feel like weeks and weeks like months.