I cannot decide whether to finish my relationship or not

[howbloodysad]

Just that. We are late forties.We live separately, an hour away from each other.We have full time jobs and have our own three children. Our weekends synchronise in that we are togther eow. Neither of us want to blend while our children are still at home.Neither of us want to be anything but friends to eachothers kids, share finances, domestic stuff so it suits us down to the ground in many ways. However, he has been unwell lately and is i illness is like an ME type illness, not yet diagnosed.He is often and mostly exhausted, lacks motivation, doesnt want to do anything or go anywhere and is happy to watch films, eat nice food and hang out togther, which is lovely but it's becoming a bit samey.He will have some remission from this in time but as it stands now, Im finding it very difficult.He is back working in a high stress job as he has exhausted his sick leave and cannot afford not to be paid.He needs to leave and will leave at the first opportunity he gets but right now, he hates it and is miserable.I don't think he is depressed but he definitely has low mood. He has started this thing of speaking to me in an impatient tone when I ask him something that I don't understand.It feels condescending and patronising at times.I need to speak with him about this as it irritates me so much.He has become impatient and is sometimes angry with his lot.I know I would be too. Ive sacrificed many events since he has become unwell eg holidays, concerts, weekends away, celebrations and nights out. I am getting tired of it all.He is just miserable with his lot and I feel dragged down too. I love him but I think he has changed so much since his illness.He was never the type to bounce around, full of the joys but he was open to adventure, opportuniy and social events.The spark has died in him.I can stay and meet his needs or I can go and meet my own.The guilt is eating me up but soething's got to change before we both find ourselves in the depths of sadness and resentment. He gets counselling, is trying to get a new job but sometimes I feel he isnt trying hard enough. AIBU

Anyone please???

I don't think anyone can make this decision for you. Do you love him? Do you want to be with him? It doesn't sound like you do.

How long have you been together?

Leave. It's not the right relationship for you.

Staying in a relationship for someone else's benefit will leave you both miserable.

“Ive sacrificed many events since he has become unwell eg holidays, concerts, weekends away, celebrations and nights out.”

Why?
You don’t need him for those. Why would you be able to go to those if you ended it, but not now?
That may be your compromise that keeps this going - you stop waiting around for him.
But you sound pretty fed up with it all anyway 🤷🏻‍♀️

Love isn’t a good enough reason not to live a life! You can have both with someone else quite easily

If you are at the point where you are asking strangers about this then you already know the answer. My guess is you want to leave him but feel guilty so looking for reassurance. Life is far too short to remain in a relationship like this. Cut your loses and move on

It sounds to me that you've made your mind up: you just need the permission to end things despite it being connected to his illness. But you don't need permission, and you don't need any excuses to end a relationship - that you're no longer happy is reason enough.

But he sounds depressed to me. Which isn't uncommon alongside other chronic illnesses - it's a lot to come to terms with. I wouldn't leave my partner if they were suffering an illness and/or depression you knew would have some remission soon and were clearly stressed with their job which they will be leaving soon anyway, to be honest.

I would end it. Based on you only seeing him eow and even that is miserable and samey! It shouldn't be that much hard work and drudgery when it's your fun time.

I'd think differently if you lived together or shared dcs

End it. It will only get worse.

In all honesty, it sounds like you don't want a real relationship. You want long term excitement, complete independence. It's like you want the honeymoon phase forever. You don't want any of the crap that goes with real people/relationships.

That's completely ok. You shouldn't feel guilty for leaving (beyond the normal guilt of hurting someone obviously but that happens when any relationship ends). BUT also, you should expect to not find a long term relationship that meets your needs, as I think they're unrealistic.

To me, it sounds like you may be happier just casually dating or being on your own until your kids are older.

It sounds like you’re starting to mentally check out of this relationship already anyway, so I’d end it now, for the sake of both of you.

Read what you wrote. Haven't you answered your own question? This relationship just isn't working for you. End it and move on.