Married and messaging ex

[Chanel17]

My husband is wonderful but during our marriage, we’ve experienced quite a few life events which have put a strain on our relationship.
We still love each other, but we have got out of the habit of putting time aside for each other and any romance whatsoever. I think we are both absolutely exhausted from what life has thrown at us.
My ex has messaged a few times, I think he would start something with me if I allowed it, which I will not. I feel guilty though for engaging in the conversation and letting it happen a few times. I never have said anything to actually suggest I would do anything but I suppose I’m aware that I haven’t shut down the conversation all together.
I would never do anything physically and don’t have feelings for the ex but I guess I missed feeling wanted. I just wanted to talk about it because I’m not going to mention to any one in my life. AIBU?

This is how emotional affairs start imo. Take the effort you're putting into engaging in conversation and messaging your ex and put it into working on your relationship with your husband.

The only person you should be talking to about not feeling wanted is your DH. Talking to someone else isn't going to improve how you feel in your marriage.

How would you feel if you found out he'd been talking to one of his exs in this way? You'd probably be pissed off that he hasn't discussed his concerns with you or made the same effort with you.

Regardless of whether you'd do anything with this ex, if you wouldn't be happy to show the messages to your DH what you're doing is wrong.

Block and delete.
Buy a jigsaw.
Very addictive and harmless to your marriage!

Sorry I need reword, I meant I wanted to message on here because I wanted to speak to someone about the situation. I haven’t spoken to ex about not feeling wanted or my marriage. But anyway your responses still do apply I’m sure.
Also I have tried to mention to DH about our own r/ship, he has brushed it off and basically said we have too much going on to focus on that type of thing.

The time you are thinking of spending messaging your ex can you spend with your husband. Not having deep meaningful conversation about life and your relationship but just having fun?
So go out for a walk, coffee watch a comedy show and just have some pleasant chit chat, just basically enjoying each other’s company not trying to solve problems.
In my experience men very rarely want to discuss relationships, so you need to be friends again before getting too deep.

I'm sorry but that's a total cop out. Most people are busy. If he doesn't want to make the effort for his marriage that's concerning.

DP and I both work full time. We have 3 kids. In the last 2 years we've moved house twice, planned a wedding, opened and closed businesses, dealt with his brother dying and a whole bunch of other shit. We both go to the gym, DP plays fottball and we're both involved in charity work. We still manage to make time for each other whether that be a night or meal out or just a cuddle on the sofa watching a movie.

Marriage isn't always plain sailing and sometimes requires more effort to keep the spark alive but that required both parties wanting to make that effort.

You need to sit your dh down and acknowledge that yes, there's loads going on and it's putting you both under strain but that's exactly why you both need to try to get back into a routine of celebrating the good in life and each other so that you can stay strong together. Tell him you love and miss him and miss being affectionate and showing that love to each other. Then ask what he thinks would be realistic that you could do to start bringing that back in gradually. Tell him you aren't expecting anything over the top or that but maybe you could plan a date night every month or two where you do something nice, doesn't need to be expensive just where you get some quality time and enjoy each other. Or it could be making a certain night of the week a phone free evening where you get some wine and watch a movie on the sofa, whatever romance looks like to the two of you. If he shuts you down I think you need to ask him to think about it because it's very important to you and you will want to revisit the conversation in a few days time because you feel very strongly about it. Start small would be my advice, holding hands or cuddling etc and build on it gradually without putting any pressure on yourselves and block your ex. It'll be hard to fully commit your mind to this if part of your mind is investing in a fantasy regardless of whether or not you'd ever act on it.

There are a couple things here: Keeping in touch with exes, perfectly fine on the surface. I keep in touch with several exes and I've been happily married to dh for 12 years, so those relationships were like 20 years ago (no ties to each other/no shared dc). Our messages to each other are things like, how are you? Hope the kids are well. Your new job looks great. Sorry to hear your dad's been poorly. Etc. That's all absolutely fine. Dh has no issues with it. We even went to one ex's wedding to his now wife. All fine.

But reminiscing about the past, talking intimately about your marriage, relying on them emotionally, expressing an interest in each other, not okay. If I knew an ex had an interest in me in that way or would cross any boundaries that would be inappropriate, I'd ghost them then and there.

This is a slippery slope.
You're looking for attention as you said.
Talk with your dh and make it clear you are serious about what you want and need.
Stop texting with ex.
How would you feel if dh unhappy and looking for comfort with another?

Thanks for the responses, I think I knew what most would say but it’s a reality check to see it written in front of me. @Fairyliz and @Cw112 thank you for those ideas, that’s definitely something I can try and hopefully will improve things with DH.