To volunteer for The Samaritans when I have been bereaved by suicide?

[MaybeIWillFuckOffThen]

I lost my mother to suicide 4 years ago. My stepum's sister killed herself a year ago. A friend of mine with a young daughter killed herself last month.

I grieved my mother very painfully and still do (I consider it 'complicated grief' I think is the technical term) and both the subsequent suicides in my life have triggered that badly (as well as being desperately sad in their own right).

I'm struggling to think about anything else. I feel like I have to Do Something, whist in my heart knowing that if someone wants to die there is very little anyone can really do (accepting this was a pretty major step in beginning to recover from my mother's death and letting go of the dreadful guilt and responsibility I felt). I respect people's right to end their own lives, in principle. But it is such a devastating way to lose somebody. I'm obsessing about my friend's child (who I never met as she lived in another country) and how she must be feeling, which I'm aware is at least partly covert self-pity masquerading as concern.

So I'm wondering if there is a positive way I can get out of this spiral by 'doing something' for those contemplating suicide, by volunteering for the Samaritans.

However I feel given I am so obviously emotionally wrought about the subject, is it a terrible idea? Could I end up doing far more harm than good (to myself and more importantly, vulnerable people looking for the right help at the right time)?

I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been through but I don't think this is a good idea. The Samaritans are about the person on the call, not you, and you could do a great deal of harm if you are not able to calmly be there and hold the space for that person. I also doubt you'd pass their screening.

Their screening process is very thorough. It’s doubtful they would approve you, sorry.
Can you get involved with fund raising for them?

Perhaps there are other ways you can help, by volunteering behind the scenes with a suicide prevention charity, or mental health support charity in some way? I also think perhaps you could seek out some support and counselling g for yourself, you have been through a lot, and it might help you get to a better place.

I’m not sure that volunteering as a telephone listener is a good idea. It may be difficult for you to concentrate fully on the caller if you’re wrangling difficult emotions yourself. Also, how would you feel if someone called for something you viewed as particularly trivial, would it annoy you? Could you treat that person with total empathy?

There are likely to be other volunteer roles within Samaritans which you could do, rather than working directly with distressed people. Admin, behind the scenes things which are still vital to help the charity run smoothly. Would you consider that instead?

I’m so sorry for your losses.

That's fair. I didn't even consider the screening - I think they'd talk to me for maybe 2 seconds and then chuck me out! Just as well really. Another thing I'm thinking about is volunteering for SOBS (Survivors of Bereavement By Suicide) as I spoke to such a kind man who'd lost his son shortly after my mother died. I can't say it 'helped' as in made me feel better but it was good to talk to someone who I knew really understood. But again I feel my own grief is still so unresolved, I'm still so sensitive to it, I might be the wrong person for someone to talk to at that moment. Maybe fundraising for either/both organisations is a better idea...

I mean in an ideal world I'd just put it all out of my head altogether. That's what I wish I could do. But that just isn't possible.

They do screen volunteers its a lengthy process and then you have training they would be able to tell if you are suitable or not . You never people oshare"your" story so you are there for the caller, I considered it years ago but it wasn't for me I think it would have been too intense for me.

I'm sorry for your loses, suicide has affected our family and its horrendous.

A friend's mother died in a hospice and he then volunteered to work there. They wouldn't let him, I think there had to be a certain number of years between a loss and working there. He ended up volunteering in one of their charity shops. So, although he couldn't help the charity in the way he'd originally attended, he did in another way.

Could you work in a completely different role but still helping the vulnerable in the outcome. And in that way actually still preventing mental illness and suicide possibly.
so any charity. An elderly visitor or listener.a befriended for the youth or disabled.
a soup kitchen
homeless shelter
medical centre for vulnerable
even a first responder
night cafes for those struggling
therr is plenty of hands on roles to support those in needs that can lead to being low enough for suicide.

The screening process would probably exclude you. It's thorough and lengthy.
It feels like this is about you needing to heal more rather than supporting others atvthe moment, that's not a good basis for volunteering.

Imagine if you'd sat on the phone with someone who had decided to continue to take or try to take their own life? Imagine being left feeling you couldn't make a difference?
Perhaps bereavement counselling and volunteering in a slightly less traumatic setting. A hospice, a children's hospice, in a night shelter maybe.

Most bereavement charities / organisations would not accept you if you have unresolved grief - they have a duty of care to you (and to the people they are supporting). The screening process is thorough.

I wrote that yanbu wanting to do something but like others I’m not sure the Samaritans are the right fit for you at this point.

There are other organisations, like SOBS, which you could volunteer for. Does envelope stuffing still occur? What I mean is there will be plenty to do which isn’t on the front line iykwim.

Lastly, though not least, I’m so sorry for your losses. I’ve had experience of my ex husband and my DP killing themselves and that was also “complicated “ as I have two
children who have been bereaved by suicide and it sucks. I am so sorry .

You could look at healing your own loss through specialist counselling services like Cruse offer, or a more generalised approach through your local IAPT service (Improving access to psychological therapies). You can refer yourself to most without having to go through your GP, just Google the above and your local area. Once you have worked through your own grief then you will be in a better position to apply to a helpline of this is what you would still like to do.

I used to volunteer for the samaritans

its lovely that you want to help other people and I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through❤️

the process on becoming accepted and also trained is extremely strict, and they are unlikely to accept you if you are carrying your own emotional baggage. You have to care about the caller but also be completely emotionally detached and impartial from the situation- of course it’s upsetting and you hear some awful things but if you become too emotionally involved you could end up giving advice or potentially making the situation worse for the person, all of which is against the Samaritans policies and wouldn’t be fair on the caller. The screening and training is very intense and if there’s any question about it you can cope with the work and not become too emotionally involved they just won’t accept you.

again im so sorry for what you’ve been through and it’s so lovely of you to want to help others. I hope you can find peace and happiness x

I tried applying for a similar role (not Samaritans but a more local version) and didn’t get through the application process because I’d only recently lost my DF to suicide and had a lot of unresolved trauma and grief.

I think it’s a wonderful thing to want to do, but definitely work on healing first. 10 years after losing my DF I’m only just starting to heal myself.

So sorry for your loss, I hope you can turn it into something beautiful and helpful for others one day

Firstly, sorry for your loss x.
I did exactly this, my dad took his own life in my early twenties and by the time I reached 40 I thought I’d try to do something to help by being a listening volunteer. I wouldn’t recommend it so soon as you’re looking at. I look back now and wish I hadn’t joined I felt so powerless/ useless on the end of the phone. The debriefs were poor (this may have changed) and I became disillusioned with the service from both sides (user and volunteers). I did a couple of years , met some fantastic people, did lots of stuff like car boot sales as well to raise funds and hopefully helped a few lonely callers in the night. But it didn’t change the still very raw grief and confusion, just made me realise how we as a family had let him down I suppose.

Thanks to all for the kind words and so sorry for those who have also lost loved ones this way. One of the things I want to do is be bolder and talk about it more so other people don't feel so alone - it feels so isolating a bereavement because it isn't talked about. But it feels like fishing for sympathy somehow. So I only really talk about it on here, anonymously. I wrote to my step cousins this month on the anniversary of their mum's death just to say I know how it is and I'm sorry. Even that felt really exposing and intrusive somehow, acknowledging it at all. It feels taboo. I guess that's because of the guilt.

Still question answered - volunteering for phone lines a bad idea. I sort of knew this already, just my head was filling up and you feel this need to do or plan something, anything, to make it stop. I'll try and reflect more on what I can do to make a difference that's less confronting to my own grief and doesn't put others at risk.

I was going to suggest SOBS but I see you’ve already considered them

We lost someone to suicide a few years ago, and DH found SOBS invaluable for his healing process, much more so than most of the therapists he saw

Their peer support groups are very valuable for lots of people, and your experience would be relevant rather than a downside

Hi op, I've also been affected by suicide and I did volunteer for samaritains because I wanted to do something positive. That being said, it was a long time after the fact and I'd made my own peace with it. Its not an easy role to take on, I've heard people end their lives with me on the phone, listened to really difficult and tragic experiences that I've gone home thinking about and unfortunately sometimes you do get people who ring because they want to get an emotional rise out of you as the listener for a whole range of reasons and that can be challenging to deal with and still hold compassion for them. I'd say you need to be quite emotionally resilient, there's usually only 2-3 volunteers on at a given time depending on the base so you need to be able to hold your own feelings in check and keep a level head. If you feel like things are still quite raw for you then I'd seek your own counselling first, get to your own place of peace whatever that looks like to you and that's when it would be the right time. In the meantime there's lots of other things you can do to remember the people you've lost. Could make a donation in their name to a relevant charity, spend time doing something nice with their other loved ones to support each other, carry out random acts of kindness in your community in their memory etc. But it's also perfectly fine to sit in your feelings and allow yourself to process those feelings as that's just as much part of the journey and there's no right or wrong way to deal with it.

I agree, I wouldn't.
My x abused me and I find other people's stories too upsetting given that they are OTHER PEOPLE'S stories ykwim?

I volunteered with Samaritans for many years and found it really rewarding. Lots of volunteers have been through their own trauma. The training is really thorough and you get a chance to talk about things that are affecting you if you wish.

As a Samaritan you have to accept the fact that if a person wishes to take their own like then that is their choice. You can do what you can to help them find another way, but ultimately in that extreme situation you could end up remaining with them on the phone during the process. That never happened to me and it would be rare, but I think you would find that very traumatic to deal with (I know I would and I haven't been through the trauma that you have been). As much as I found volunteering very rewarding, I don't think it sounds right for you, but I'm sure you can do lots of good if you can just find the right charity/organisation for you