To hate this colleague?

[incheon]

I started work with about 30 trainees, including “Kim”. I wasn’t active in the group chat and wasn’t really social outside of work. I had other things happening outside of work which was my priority - such as unexpected moving house. I was close to some people in the group though and was always polite at work.

Kim remained on my team for around 2 years whilst everyone else went their separate ways. Initially she made comments that I think I’m “better” than her as I didn’t “bother” with the training group socially. She would criticise my outfits for work eg asking am I not hot/cold/uncomfortable. Once, I was unwell with laryngitis but went into work and was given admin duties and she said I’ve “had a week of dossing” . She’s very competitive and would take any praise I got from others personally ie “she’s not that good, I’ve done that before” etc

We went out for a Christmas party and she was drunk to the extent she was throwing up and told me that she thinks everyone favours me. She was also explicitly telling me about another colleague’s sex life which was uncomfortable.

After this, she kept making errors at work in an area that I lead in and management asked me to investigate and resolve it, all evidenced by email. This further annoyed her as it fed into her complex although I was just doing my job.

The people I’m close with from my training group arranged a birthday outing and she wasn’t invited. She raised a formal complaint against me about this although I had no involvement. In the complaint, she also accused me of personally ruining her relationship. I have never met her boyfriend or even know who he is, but she was essentially saying he wants to break up with her due to how stressed she is.

She also ended up going to a colleague’s house and verbally abusing them during this time and gossiping about me to others. I filed a counter-complaint which was upheld and her complaint was dismissed.

She went off sick and has now returned and the atmosphere at work is awful. I’m polite to her but she’s clearly holding a grudge and treating me differently. How do I navigate this?

Wow she sounds like a nightmare. I think you have two options: 1) bide your time at work with your head down and hope she leaves, safe in the knowledge everyone else must now think she's a huge pain. 2) Look for another job.

My experience of people like your colleague is they eventually end up getting sacked or leaving. She exhibits so many poor behaviours at work I wouldn’t be surprised if she is being closely monitored by management/HR.

I’ve been where you are and it can be miserable. I never understood how a person could hate me so much as to try and make me look bad at work and get me sacked. But know that you have done nothing wrong. These her issues and problems so don’t let her make them yours.

Keep close to your trusted colleagues and friends at work as their support will get you through. I would also make sure in personal meetings with your line manager that you discuss this, as your manager has a role here in making sure you are being supported with your well-being. If you really want to stay in your job stay polite and professional at all times, no matter how hard you want to bite back. Keep a record of any interactions that cause you concern. Eventually she will go. Best of luck OP.

@Pirrin I think people from our training group know what she’s like, but the rest of the office probably think she’s okay. Definitely looking for a new job!

I had this once in similar circumstances. Except she started just before me.

I would recommend just keep doing what you are doing. Remain professionally pleasant. Ignore her behaviour but keep notes of things you think are near the line.

Pp is right, keep close to people you like and trust. She will eventually leave or be sacked. It’s shit, but unless you want to leave sitting it out is best.

@mrschocolatte thank you for your wonderful reply and for your support. Really appreciated reading it. Sorry that you went though something similar, it really does make work feel tedious at times

@Ekátn thank you! She changes the environment at work significantly. Everyone’s less relaxed. I had to send her an email today about sloppy work practices and CC’d both our managers for protection…and then had to get them to proof read my email before sending to make sure my tone wasn’t rude. It was super polite but I know she’s probably holding it against me.

She’s jealous of you and your achievements, some people can be a right pain the the a**e. Why should you look elsewhere for a job when you are extremely competent in this one. There’s always one in an office environment. Good idea to cc the emails , keep a trail of what’s been said. I have had to work with a few of these people., and eventually she will leave it be asked to go. Good luck 😉 sending 🤗

From you previous posts it doesn’t sound like she reports to you? But if you’re sending her emails about her poor work and highlighting them to 2 managers then sounds like you’re supervising or managing her. I’d be wary of looking snide and/or a bit wimpy in copying higher-ups and getting them to proof read for you.

She sounds like a nightmare but you need to be completely professional and not get sucked into any he said/she said nonesense!

I manage a specific department in the office so even though we’re on the same level, I’m expected to raise concerns on behalf of the managers as they have delegated those tasks to me. Particularly as this error by her means I have to resolve complaints by service users and essentially do her work for her. I need to be able to investigate what has happened between her and the service user and put things right. If her manager thinks she needs to be disciplined as a result of my email, that would be their job to do and not my remit

As there has already been formal HR complaints before, I feel more comfortable with management knowing what’s happening so nothing is misconstrued. It is definitely wimpy though lol

If it was anyone else, we’d be able to have a normal chat in person or an email exchange without management but I feel that I have to be careful around her

Thanks for clarifying! That sounds v difficult. You’re right to be wary of her, imo.

Thanks for all the supportive comments. She is getting to me tbh - she’s been invited to a work leaving party and although I’m extremely close to the colleague in question I think I should give it a miss? I’ll definitely be uncomfortable sitting at a table with her even with others around

I’m close to the colleague leaving that is!

Feel for you op, been in a very similar situation. Awful colleague kept complaining about me, mocking personal things about me and twisting everything to sound like bullying from me. Very horrible but thankfully she left.

As pp said you definitely need to keep work allies close and don’t become isolated with just you and her, she sounds like my ex colleague that twisted every exchange into something sinister.

And by the way it will all be about her being very insecure and being the type to have to put the spotlight on you.

I think its weird and very unprofessional of work to make you two work or answer to each other considering its gone to formal complaints. In reality you could sue your company for constructive dismissal. Go speak to HR, this woman needs to be managed by someone else.

You shouldn't have to miss out on socials or leave your job because of her. She's the one with the problem.

She is bullying you and at some point you may need to go to HR again with how she's treating you. I know the term gets bandied about a lot on here but she sounds like an attention seeking narcissist, and she's playing mind games to undermine you.

You are right to be wary around her and if you're not already doing so, keep all her emails, keep a log of interactions with her, and if possible make sure you are never alone with her so you have others who can back you up.

Be polite, do not engage in any personal chat and try not to be alone with her so you'll always have at least one witness to your interactions.

If you have to work together document everything in emails. If actions are agreed in conversations or meeting ensure there is a follow up email summarising actions and items agreed.

Never gossip about her or lose your cool, be the professional.