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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Really worried about BF - Help

44 replies

DaftAsABrushhh · 25/10/2022 16:02

Hello all

I wondered if you could help me - I dont know if I am being silly or if I should be worried.

Me and my BF had words last night, it wasn't heated, but we exchanged a few messages. It was me mostly saying that I didn't believe him about something, and he said he was very upset by this. His last message to me, at 12:30am, was "I'm not sure what you are accusing me of, I have nothing to hide" and then he went offline - I replied within minutes, literally at 12:33am, and he is yet to read this message. He hasnt been online since his last message to me.

Now before everyone starts saying I am being over the top and shoudnt expect a reply all the time - this is highly unlikely. He is always up really early for work and always sends me a good morning text. We also texts quite alot during the day and in the evening. If we are both busy at work, there are sometimes a few hours here and there we dont text, but we are usually in constant contact. I've also called him twice and it is ringing out and going to voicemail.

He works from home and he can be pretty flexible with his hours - he also said he was going to the city today to buy some stuff in the afternoon. I feel like I am overreacting but this isnt like him at all, he would be in touch at some point.

I dont know what I should do. He lives over an hour away - do I drive to his house and check he is okay? Should I give him until tomorrow?

I cant ask his friends to check on him as they live much further away than I do. I have met his family but dont have their phone numbers - I dont want to reach out to them on social media (I am not friends with them on social media) and cause worry if there is no need.

What would you do?

Am I being over the top? I have a horrible gut feeling that something has happened :(

OP posts:

Sux2buthen · 25/10/2022 17:04

ghosthunter2022 · 25/10/2022 16:33

You upset him by accusing him of something he is saying he didn’t do. Over text.

he's probably pissed off at you and doesn’t want to speak to you, maybe he’s figuring out what to say or how to deal with how he feels, maybe he just needs some space from you.

Yep this. Been there myself, luckily he knows I'm not an idiot by nature and we talked it out

Testina · 25/10/2022 17:07

IncredibleSulk · 25/10/2022 16:21

Have you called him?

Have you read the OP? 😆

Testina · 25/10/2022 17:10

How likely is it, really, that something has happened to him?

Very low.

And how likely is it that if it did, it happened right after you “had words” (avoid saying it if you must - but that is an argument)

Even lower.

He’s ignoring you.

The “gut” feeling you have is just upset from the initial argument and from the subsequent ignoring.

IncompleteSenten · 25/10/2022 17:10

The most likely explanation is he's pissed off and not in the mood to send you a good morning message or chat during the day. It's not nice being called a liar. I would not be chatting as though nothing happened with someone who did that to me.

Macaroni1924 · 25/10/2022 23:46

Any contact?

Pixiedust1234 · 25/10/2022 23:52

You've upset him and he's probably trying to figure out his response. Most people don't like being called a liar. Give him some space. If he's not replied by tomorrow just send a text saying you are worried about him and can he just text back he's okay.

CJsGoldfish · 25/10/2022 23:56

Get a grip OP. You called him a liar. Whether he is or isn't, he clearly doesn't want to speak with you.
If he knows how anxious and OTT you are, he may be doing it deliberately so you'll forget about the 'lie'.
If he didn't lie, especially if this isn't the first time you've accused him, he is probably pissed off and genuinely doesn't want to speak to you. Do you have form?

Original poster

DaftAsABrushhh · 26/10/2022 11:14

He got in touch later this afternoon. He was being arsey then admitted he wasnt happy with me. He was being really cold and horrible and kept saying "I was busy". He then said a few things that made me feel like he was punishing me. For example, I said he was always online a few weeks back, not accussing him of anything, just he is always online. Whenever I message he reads it instantly as he is always online. Last night he made the comment that he doesnt have to be online and today proves that... so that clearly was a dig. He also dug up a message thread 3 months ago .... when I didnt text him back cause I was at work and said that if I take hours to text him back then its okay for him to do it. I am pissed off. He is being really arsey and is acting like a different person.

OP posts:

LeMoo · 26/10/2022 12:38

Typical behaviour, op.

Everydaywheniwakeup · 26/10/2022 12:43

Have you apologised for calling him a liar?

PangolinPie · 26/10/2022 12:45

Yep he's punishing you. What your disagreement about is fairly crucial. Adults shouldn't react like that. He had you on the back foot as soon as he pulled the disappearing act and he knows it. It sounds like an unhealthy dynamic all round tbh.

LeMoo · 26/10/2022 12:48

Everydaywheniwakeup · 26/10/2022 12:43

Have you apologised for calling him a liar?

What if she still believes he didn't tell the truth?

Either way, his reaction to this has been controlling.

murasaki · 26/10/2022 12:54

Op sounds controlling and needy to me. He's allowed to take some down time after an argument. I would have done the same. Better to regroup than respond in anger

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 26/10/2022 13:05

Sounds like a pretty unhealthy dynamic all round. Both in constant contact all day and checking up on each other when you don’t get an answer asap. I know how it feels tbh as I used to get annoyed with my ex when I’d message him and not get a reply, even though it showed as read, until 11pm. But we clearly had very different communication styles and I didn’t think one text a day was too much. Whereas he clearly did (although would immediately answer all texts and calls when sitting next to me!)

Lifes too short for this shit. Both stop playing stupid games and either let it go or split up.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 26/10/2022 13:24

The argument started because you said you didn't believe him about something. How serious was the thing you didn't believe him about? Has that been resolved?
then
1) Goes incommunicado
2) and when he does get in contact again. He was being really cold and horrible and kept saying "I was busy". He then said a few things that made me feel like he was punishing me.
3) Dug up a message thread from 3 months ago, when you couldn't reply because you were at work.

Is this how he usually behaves or is this your first real disagreement? If it's not, How much more of this treatment do you want to put up with?

Rowen32 · 26/10/2022 13:49

OP, you can't accuse someone of lying and then put all the blame on them for not being okay with you.
Phones often show we're online when we're not, its dangerous to be reading too much into statuses

ToFindNewWays · 26/10/2022 14:27

What did you think he was lying about?

RincewindsHat · 26/10/2022 16:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Minimalme · 26/10/2022 16:19

You are both conducting a relationship like a pair of needy teenagers.

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