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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My behaviour upsetting my dc

20 replies

Psychomummy · 25/10/2022 14:58

I'm a little bit stressed out ATM, between utterly shitty job, very very busy never finishing work and housework and general demands on my time.
Unfortunately I've started crying a lot, and shouting a bit, in response to this. The shouting happens when both of my children demand stuff from me at exactly the same time, usually when I'm already doing something else; they quickly escalate to shouting and I shout back. I feel terrible. And the crying, well I'm never far away from that.
The stress and crying isn't a problem for me, but the shouting is awful, and DC1 has picked up on the crying and it's upsetting her.
I don't think I could go to the doctor for MH issues as in the country where I live, it gets put on a record and can count against you for mortgages etc.
Might anyone have tips about how to hide this from my children so I can avoid upsetting them? Thanks 😄

OP posts:

AryaStarkWolf · 25/10/2022 15:04

That's awful that seeking help for mental health can be used against you like that!

Maybe try cutting down on stuff that aren't absolutely necessary? Try doing some breathing exercises as well

Original poster

Psychomummy · 25/10/2022 15:26

Oh yes I should try the breathing exercises! If forgotten about that. Especially before I shout at the children; might calm me down sufficiently.

Re seeing help, it is bad but I understand. It'd a risk factor for job loss so they want to be aware.

OP posts:

AffIt · 25/10/2022 15:36

How old are your children?

If old enough, would it be possible to have a sort of a 'family meeting' to explain, in an age-appropriate way, that life is a bit tough just now and there are ways everybody could make it better in a fun way?

Perhaps you could agree on a series of signals or how to break things down: this is important, but not urgent / this is urgent, but not important etc.

I am of the opinion that being open about normal adult emotions such as anger, fear, sadness, anxiety etc is a good thing and to plaster on an 'everything is FINE!!!' face in front of children all the time isn't a good thing (I came from quite a repressed family and I'm not particularly good at expressing emotions as an adult).

Original poster

Psychomummy · 25/10/2022 16:13

Thanks @AffIt . The children are 6 and 4. I do try to explain eg I'm feeling overwhelmed/frustrated and that's why I'm crying etc. But I hate how sad it makes them.

OP posts:

AryaStarkWolf · 25/10/2022 16:14

Psychomummy · 25/10/2022 16:13

Thanks @AffIt . The children are 6 and 4. I do try to explain eg I'm feeling overwhelmed/frustrated and that's why I'm crying etc. But I hate how sad it makes them.

They're quite young really to really understand that I think, do you have any help?

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 25/10/2022 16:19

Do you have support OP? Partner? Can you get a cleaner to help sort the house and take some pressure off of you?

Fushiadreams · 25/10/2022 16:23

Do you have some support, a partner, family friends, anyone who can help you?

LeMoo · 25/10/2022 16:26

I think it would help you if they stopped shouting at you and, unfortunately because I know its not easy right now, given their ages this will be easier for you to model rather than they stop.

So you need an alternative approach to reacting to their shouts. This might go against parenting advice, but I would suggest when you have their attention and things are calm that we don't shout at people and if they shout at you for something they won't get it til they ask nicely. If they start kicking off, say no shouting firmly and turn away from them and ignore until they lower their voices.

There's also a technique to stop young children interrupting. If you're in the middle of something and they want your attention, teach them to place their hand on your arm. You acknowledge by gently squeezing their hand and you will give them your full attention as soon as you can. It's a useful way to help them wait,knowing they've been heard in a polite way.

If they're interrupting each other, tell them to raise their hands like they would at school/nursery and you'll answer them in turn.

When I worked in customer service, if I customer kicked off the calmer and more rational I would be. Either they responded in kind or they just looked loopy. So you need to take a beat, respond calmly and manage their behaviour through modelling. If you're going to lose it, walk away and shut yourself in your room for a few minutes. You can shed a couple of tears and try again.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 25/10/2022 16:27

Taking some time for yourself throughout the day will help.

I find the demands of my DC highly stressful and sometimes want to scream.

I have the added guilty for screaming because they've SN so it'd make me a monster.

Sometimes when DS even calls my name l clench and eye roll so I'll be taking my own advice and following the thread.

He calls my name all the time on repeat for no reason if I leave the room.

As soon as my foot hits the step he is off calling me. Mammy, mammy, mammy? He can easily call me at 50 times in 3 minutes.

It's overwhelming.

There is a few useful YouTube videos on the subject that can help.

Walking alone when you have a spare few minutes.

Yoga breathing really helps, not at the moment they're sending you over the edge but early in the morning, 15 minutes of easy stretching and deep breathing.

Try talking to the children depending on their age explain that you need a bit of help to break the cycle. Is St John's worth available in your country?

EmeraldShamrock1 · 25/10/2022 16:29

Awh they're a bit young for a chat.

Get a shouting jar.

PantyMcPantFace · 25/10/2022 16:48

How old are you? Do you have any other health issues? Just wondering if something else going on like (early or otherwise) peri-menopause? Thyroid or B12 issues which may be making you tired/anxious - which can then mean your hold on your temper is trickier. Worth looking to see if it is something physical and can be fixed?

Goldbar · 25/10/2022 18:06

Given your problem is that you literally have too much to do and not enough time and this is stressing you out hugely, you might find the lockdown threads on how to manage wfh, housework, homeschooling and childcare simultaneously helpful. The general consensus is that there's no real way to avoid it being a shitshow but there are some things you might be able to do to make it slightly less shitty.

I end up wfh a bit in my present job with my 4yo around. It's different (and I suspect much less tricky) managing one child than 2 but here's a few things we've done in the past (we still do some of them):

Housework - we have a cleaner once a fortnight which makes a huge difference. The rest of the time, I put music on and blitz it for 20 minutes after getting up. I don't do any other substantial housework during the day except bits and pieces when waiting for the kettle to boil - 20 minutes is enough to put a load on, hang a load out, unload the dishwasher, hoover downstairs and wipe kitchen surfaces. I do upstairs (including tidying and folding laundry) while DC is in the bath. Upstairs only gets hoovered when the cleaner comes.
Screentime - if I have to work, DC gets tablet/TV and snacks. For as long as necessary. Anything to get them to leave me alone. I have no guilt for this.
Taking time out - either a hot bath or listening to music. Again, screens help with this. Just ignore the kids as much as you can.

We get out of the house for at least an hour's exercise during the day. During the worst period of wfh without childcare, some good advice I was given was to schedule short bursts of targeted, positive attention on DC throughout the day. So take 15 minutes to read to them. Or 20 minutes to do some cutting and sticking with them. Then leave them to it for a couple of hours and go back to your work. This did help in reducing my DC's neediness and made me slightly more relaxed.

The best solution though would be more help - do you have any family who can come and help or is a babysitter/childminder/holiday club an option?

Original poster

Psychomummy · 25/10/2022 18:11

We did look at getting a cleaner but never quite got it organised. That would be amazing and probably make a big difference.

I have DH but he's equally busy and I don't want to put on him too much.

And thanks all for the support; just bring able to let it all out without being judged/criticised has helped as well!

OP posts:

minipie · 25/10/2022 18:14

I agree that what you mainly need is to reduce the stress in your life.

Are you looking into changing jobs?

If you have a partner, can they be around more/take on more?

Any budget for paid help eg cleaner?

Could you reduce demands by lowering standards in any areas

Last but not least… can you go to bed earlier? When I have a lot on I end up staying up stupidly late just to get some time to myself, but it’s counterproductive as I don’t actually enjoy that time (mindless scrolling usually) and then I feel awful the next day. And it makes me much much more prone to shouting. If this is you, don’t be like me, go to bed!

achangeisafoot · 25/10/2022 18:17

When you say you don't want to put much on DH- is he actually doing enough or are you trying to take on too much?

minipie · 25/10/2022 18:18

Cross posted.

Definitely sort a cleaner if you can afford to. Makes a HUGE difference. Also (side benefit) I find the kids tidy up more readily when I say it has to be done because the cleaner is coming!

Don’t be shy about asking DH to do more, if you’re anything like most families, you’re probably doing a lot more than he is (not saying he’s lazy but he’s probably not juggling as many balls).

I do think it’s worth explaining a bit to your DC why you’ve been a bit teary/shouty recently. Only a very short and child appropriate explanation but it may help them at least to know it’s not them iyswim.

Goldbar · 25/10/2022 18:20

I have DH but he's equally busy and I don't want to put on him too much.

You need to make sure you're sharing the load. If you're so stressed out that you're shouting at your DC, he does need to be helping you as much as he can.

NumberTheory · 25/10/2022 18:22

It’s certainly worth trying some self help. Looking for a new job if that might make a difference. Prioritizing down time (for you and DH), even if that’s just 30 minutes in the bath with some candles or a run in the evenings after DC bedtime. Etc.

But if this doesn’t work, mortgage risk or not, you need to go and see your doctor. MH issues, including stress, depression and anxiety, in parents are a big negative for children. Don’t prioritize a mortgage over all else. Your health and happiness depend on good mental health too.

tillytown · 25/10/2022 18:31

Does your husband know you are crying and shouting at the kids? That stuff really messes with children, no matter how old they are. He needs to step up.
Have you tried doing any of the online therapy courses? Or a meditation app? They might be of some help, and as they don't go down on your medical record your bank/work won't know about it

Goldbar · 25/10/2022 18:36

I agree with going to bed earlier. During my worst work periods, I go to bed at the same time as my DC. I then wake up early morning (4-5am) and get a few hours done before DC wakes up around 7. I find this much more productive than trying to work in the evening when I'm exhausted.

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