To want another baby when I'm so lucky already

[Dichotomouse]

Hello everyone,

My first ever post, and it's basically going to be me thinking out loud 😅.

My husband (41) and I (32) have two children; a boy and a girl. Logically I know I should be content with this, but I've always wanted a big(ish) family and would love to have a third. My husband however is really not keen.

His reasons are all very logical and make sense; I struggled during both pregnancies but especially my second (hyperemesis, PGP and low blood pressure) and recovery has been sloooooow and so he's concerned for my health, our youngest is an AWFUL sleeper, neither of us particularly enjoy the baby stage (but love it from age 2 onwards), bigger car, space in the house etc etc.

But even though I know he is making a lot of sense, I still can't let go of this desire. I feel like I'm going mad just chewing on this idea everyday.

So great people of Mumsnet, please talk me down 😂.

How old are the kiddies now?
And can you hit pause for a couple of years?
Maybe try for baby number 3 when youngest is 3/4 and in nursery. Also, by then, you and DH will have had a bit of adjustment time/recovery/a bit more sleep. You won’t be as deep in the trenches and the idea of a baby might be a more realistic and happier one for you both by then.

You might have the desire after no. 3 then after no.4 e t.c For some women (probably hormones) the desire for another baby is strong, no matter how many you already have. At some point you've got to stop.

I would go for head over heart in this situation and stop at 2.

I think your husband has made it quite clear he doesn't want another.

Eldest is 4.5 and youngest is 16 months. We were planning on leaving it for a year and then making a final decision once our youngest is 2 and (hopefully) sleeping better, but my husband is also concerned about his age.

Enjoy what you have and stick with 2.

Yes this is also a concern. I am the eldest of 6 so I'm just used to the chaos and noise that comes from a big family. And I love having all my siblings and the different relationships we all have with one another. I'm making a big issue out of nothing really as we already have 2 healthy children and I should just focus on that I know. But if the rest of me could just get the memo haha

You will be glad you stopped at two.

I noticed the difference most in difficulty going from 2 to 3 kids….we just don’t have that extra pair of arms, definitely less stress with 2 but wouldn’t change it and love our big family and the kids always having someone to play with….I am currently pregnant with unplanned number 4 (contraceptive and morning after pill fail) and not going to lie I’m very nervous and certainly wouldn’t of planned another but we’ve already done the bigger car/ bigger house when we had 3rd, I have horrendous pregnancies and births though and I’m not looking forward to Mat leave pat/ nursery fees but keep telling myself they’re only little once and childcare fees aren’t forever and I know there will be no more after this one, I am 100% done.

You have lots of time to decide but maybe your DH feels done and I think I would at his age too, I’m 32 and pregnancy is definitely harder this time than in my 20’s. I wouldn’t rush into anything and see how you feel in another 6-12 months if it’s still the same discuss it again and weigh it up x

I would stick with 2! I would also consider the possibility of SEN or disabilities with another child and whether you could manage with that.

If you can get DH on board, and he doesn't sound 100% against, then go for it!

I stopped at 2 and am very happy I did but it doesn't sound like you are done.

@Dichotomouse I'm in a similar situation op. I have 2 and can't let go of a 3rd. My partner is supportive of having another but right now we would need bigger home ect. I feel like we have just got our freedom back my youngest turning 3 soon but in my head it's a constant to and throw. I have no advice op just wanted to show support and that I'm in the same boat.

I feel the same, OP, but I'm ten years older than you and am now suffering with a severe pregnancy-related health issue after DC2.

If I was 32 I would have another. I feel there will always be an empty space round the table for me now as I can't risk a third.

2-3 is a big jump

Also did you not discuss family size before getting married etc. if you’ve always wanted a large family and made that clear to your DH YANBU, if not YABU

It's not unreasonable to want another baby. I could tell you how great it is to have three but I don't think it'd be the same if DH hadn't been on board.

My husband however is really not keen.

And this ^^ is why you should stop at two.

I know several women who had a/another baby when their husbands were not keen, and surprise surprise all the childcare was done by the woman. The husbands view was "You wanted another child, you look after it"

I'm not sure conversations prior to having children are particularly useful. There are many reason why you might feel under-resourced by the time you have already had two or find yourself surprised by the surplus. It's not something that can be easily predicted.

I was in a similar fix re a third child. Almost identical age of youngest/second child and the same age too (though my husband also in early 30s and perhaps not super keen but but not set against either).

Became pregnant. A lot of angst bordering on panic re having made the wrong decision. Particularly as my youngest child got a little older and more pleasant / rewarding / better sleep it was like "what have I done?!!!" our lives were just about to level out and get a little easier etc. Felt terribly guilty re taking the risk on a 3rd child (possible health complications etc) and I did worry that I had not put my existing children first (though my eldest was very keen to have another baby sibling). I think if asked when pregnant I would have said don't do it, but I also wouldn't have felt sure because it's very much my nature to 2nd guess and overthink.

Baby is born now and I am much happier about the situation and it feels like it will all work out. Aside from the obvious (having 3 lovely children) it has had the benefit of giving me real certainty that I am finished and I know there will be no more children now - if nothing else I wouldn't want to go through all that doubt and worry again!

It's a very difficult decision. I would probably allow the strength of my partners feelings to make the decision. If firmly against then I think you should not have another baby. If he is actually open to it, then you could think about whether this urge / longing could be addressed another way or whether it is going to linger for a long time and actually, you could make 3 children work.