Sister is so selfish

[Sockmate123]

Ok, this is more ot a statement than a question. I am just looking for help or guidance.
My sister is possibly the fakest person I have ever met. Everything is about appearances. She is vindictive and nasty but in an extremely passive aggressive way.
I just feel so deflated in recent months more than ever 😩 and really feel I have to cut ties/distance myself from her. Now the difficulty I have us she lives 30 metres from me-across the road basically!!! And we have children the same age, they don't attend the same school (thankfully!) But play together. I love my nephews and have been putting up with her BS for their sake but its really affecting me lately.
She is insanely competitive, she's 2 years younger. Last week I was invited and attended my cousins wedding. She was not invited as my cousin doesn't have much time for her. She refused my request to mind my dog while we went (for one night) . Just said 'no' when I asked her. You can't question anything with her. She loves dogs, no issue there and I minded her dog in the past. This move was calculated so that it might prevent us from going. This sounds really petty but this is how she is. My mum minds her children on that day and she had to 'make up' the day later in the week for not being able to mind them the day if wedding. My mum is in her 70's and recently widowed.
I am just worn out with it all. Looking for advice, how can I distance myself when u cannot physically distance?
She always wants to be in my business, she keeps me at her door but will barge past me into my house. My husband has a good job which allows us to go on nice holidays etc (we don't drink or smoke) all our money goes on our children and our home. We both do voluntary work too and donate to charity. In short we try to live good lives.
I am grieving for the kind of relationship I wish we could have. I have brought this up with her in the past, she just gets defensive so I really think I need to create some boundaries but I don't know how to do this 🤔
Would appreciate any words of wisdom from anyone who has been in a similar situation. Well done if you read this far 😂

The only thing you've listed she's really doing wrong is coming into your house without knocking. Have you asked her not to? Why is your door unlocked?
She is under no obligation to mind your dog. I love dogs, but I wouldn't want to look after one, it's too much responsibility, especially with little children.
Your comments about you and your DH's lifestyle are so irrelevant. Why do you feel the need to say that when talking about your sister? Do you think she's inferior to you?

In fairness to your sister, I think I'd be very upset if someone asked me to babysit while they attended a family wedding I'd been excluded from and I think it was wrong of you to expect it.

However shallow she may be, she does have real feelings and I think it would help you to remember this and try to look beyond her outward behaviour.

That said, it's not unreasonable to want better boundaries and passive aggressive family members are very difficult to live with, i know. I don't know what ones to suggest because you've not given enough information.
Next time she comes to the door, you could try going out onto the doorstep and pulling it closed behind you for example.

You could also limit socialising between your families to set times during the week.

And when you're together, keep an emotional distance as you would with an acquaintance.

She spread a rumour about me a few years ago which when I found out about (there was written proof) she admitted she was jealous.
Yes I jusy read back there, I did get elaborate on that, I can see how it comes across as irrelevant! 🙈
She keeps telling people we have won money and we haven't. She insinuates we are lying about this.
I didn't want to go into all the details here in case she's on here. There is no doubt how badly she has treated me, my friends say I should have cut ties along time ago. I feel she has no interest in having a relationship. She constantly puts me down. My daughter is a pretty little girl (like every little girl) she unfavourably compared her to a neighbours child, saying she is the most beautiful little girl she ever saw (in front of my daughter!) When I replied all little girls beautiful in their own way she replied 'even Mum thinks the same' 🙄
She is very toxic and manipulative. I dont think she is inferior at all, I'm really not that type of person, she seems to have an inferiority complex though.
No its not her responsibility to mind my dog but I have been so helpful to her with her dog in the past, this was one and only time I asked her.

I have a very difficult relationship with my middle sister and I just stay out of her way as much as possible, only really interact with her if required (such as family events)

Maybe whenever you bump into her, you can act like you’re in a rush and do a quick ‘hi and bye’. Also, do not rely on her for anything therefore you’ll never be disappointed.

You have my sympathies!

Lock the front door.
If your nieces and nephews are round, take them home rather than her picking them up.
Don't tell her any info..

I know the lack of information I am providing in this makes it sound like not much to worry about but I'm just conscious she could see this although unlikely.
My husband and ex partners all said the same about her, that she is extremely sly, manipulative and negative. I suppose i can't go into lots of examples to back that up bur trust me that's the case.
Your tips are helpful thank you.
Also she wasn't asked to babysit, it was dogsit, our children attended with us. Its not a case of her being excluded, there are 52 cousins, I was only one invited as we are also friends and our partners get on great and work together. Also this cousin wasn't invited to her wedding either!

Definitely going to try do this, simple and effective as whenever I do bump into her she will want to talk on her terms

Don't tell her any info, this is my biggest downfall! Also I am close to my mum and tell her alot, she says she keeps it confidential but I worry some of it does filter back.....its hard because everyone needs someone to confide in!

If my cousin invited my sister to a wedding but not me because she just didn’t like me then I’d be upset, so if my sister then asked me to mind her dog so she could go I’d feel like she was rubbing it in and I would say no. Not an abnormal reaction at all.

Just distance yourself by talking to her less, not asking for favours and treating her more like a neighbour than anything else. You can’t change people so all you can do is cool things off really.

Its not a case of her being excluded, there are 52 cousins, I was only one invited as we are also friends and our partners get on great and work together. Also this cousin wasn't invited to her wedding either!

This doesn’t match up to your OP we’re you said she didn’t invite her because she doesn’t have much time for her, which obviously says she was excluded, my response about dog sitting is based on this.

Thank you, I don't ask her any favours, it's just I had literally no one else other than my brilliant friend who offered despite having so much trauma going on in her life at the mo 😔
I think some posters are misinterpreting the significance of the invite. There are 52 cousins. I was only one invited, so she was with the other 51 who weren't. It was only a small wedding. We were only invited as we are close friends. Also she did not invite the couple to her wedding either! I have looked after her dog and children on many, many occasions. Too many to count tbh!

I guess she's resentful, because she wasn't invited. I think it's poor excuse that cousin invited her, because she didn't have time for her. I got married last year and while I keep in touch with two of my cousins, I don't have much in common with third one (they're all siblings), but I couldn't imagine not inviting her because of this. I would hire dogsitter for the wedding day.
For other issues, if she makes you feel so miserable, you really need to cut the ties and just see her on family events like Christmas, where you really can't mix out.

*cousin didn't invite her

Its a he, he didn't invite her because it was a small wedding and you couldn't possibly invite all those cousins plus partners. He has a large immediate family too. 7 siblings, their partners, kids etc
But yes he thinks she is insincere also. He obviously didn't tell her that. She was excluded in the sense of she was invited but not in the sense of every other family member was invited and she wasn't. Hope that makes sense. I dont post much on here 😂🙈 should make it clearer.
All of that aside it's just advice from someone in a similar situation, how to distance when physically distancing is pretty impossible 🤷‍♀️

I had tried so many dogsitters as that was my preference (do I didn't have to ask her!) But none could take.
I think cutting ties is the only way, I think I have to get myself strong and not feeling sick in my tummy about it all 😔

She sounds awful but so does asking her to look after your dog whilst you attend a family wedding that she’s not invited to.

Obviously people can invite whoever they want to their own wedding… but it’s odd to invite you and not your sister. My feelings would have been hurt too (and I can’t imagine attending a cousin’s wedding if my sister hadn’t been invited too, although we do have a close relationship so that might be clouding my view).

Don’t let her in-a hand either side of the door jamb works a treat. Stop doing her favours, she’s taking and never giving.

Move.

If it was a small family yes I would agree but it's huge and years ago she went to another cousins wedding that I wasn't invited to and honestly I never thought anything of it. This is not immediate family, they are huge extended family members. There is really no expectation that we will all get invited to eachothers weddings from anyone. Weddings are expensive and couples are under alot of pressure these days.

I really don't think it was bad form asking her to mind the dog, I looked after her child only recently so she didn't have to take off work. The dog literally eats and sleeps and it was for less than 24 hours!
You are lucky you have a close relationship, enjoy it! I would love that but I've had to come to terms that she's just not interested 😕

Drastic but an option 😆

Nail on head here, I really think I'm going to go with that option going forward. She didn't invite us to her husbands 40th but had us drop extra chairs over and then didn't let us say hi to the guests!! 🤷‍♀️ I'm a mug I think 🙈

Dear god, she’s a cheeky bitch, isn’t she? You’ve been far too nice, stop, because she’s taking the absolute piss.

Tip of iceberg! Some stuff is so unbelievable but yet it happened 🙄
Used me for so much during Covid through my job. I'm an idiot! I have to set clear boundaries but it's something I really struggle with

Why do people live so close to family members when they don't get on (or even when they do)?

We moved to a new area and she followed us 2 years later 😆 I tried!!!