So I left my abusive (now ex) husband in August. To summarise a very long story, throughout our 3 years living together I was pressured to cover my face, pressured into sex, getting pregnant (he used religious scripture to do this) silent treatment, couldn't get a job unless he approved of it, he'd pressure me to spend money I didn't want to (groceries every month despite him earning triple what I made) online cheating as well as escort contact in his phone - you get the gist. I had a post on here a year ago about it.
Between all this, we're intermittent days of things going good, good memories too, it wasn't ALL bad everyday BUT doesn't take away the fact that the combination of the things above made me lose my entire identity to the point I feel as though I only seek his approval even now.
He divorced me 18th sept, he's been saying I've been ringing people all corners of the town we lived in together, neighbours, apparently I've been sending voice messages of abuse to him? I haven't done any of that. I had few friends there snd they contacted me saying he's divorced me as I didn't change my sons nappies enough, days would go by and I wouldn't go in the kitchen, I stopped him seeing family on occasions etc all of these are untrue in the context he's saying them. So as a natural reaction I told my friends the truth about cheating etc what lead me to leave.
He sent a huge message to my family saying he's enduring so much abuse bc of me? This has hurt me a lot and mostly bc I don't want people to talk about him! But my friends say people will only talk about what they see. He's claiming he loved me so much as the mother of his child he isn't saying anything bad about me now so "just imagine how much I loved her when I was married to her" this has pulled my heartstrings as lately I've been remembering the GOOD.
Why do I want his approval even now? I'm out and away from him. I should be feeling better?! I feel worse. I feel jealous he will move on and treat the next girl so much better, why does that make me so upset? I suppose partly because the idea of me getting to know a guy makes me sick atm and the idea of marriage makes me want to vomit, I don't think it'll ever be for me. I know my focus should be on me but why am I in tears over thoughts like this? He's really getting to me.