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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel annoyed - abusive ex new baby

1 reply

Sparklebrandy · 25/10/2022 01:28

Well, ex and gf of all of 8 months have just announced pregnancy - she's 6 months gone and circumstances less then ideal. We share a teenage daughter who he's had very little to do with until about a year ago, and made promises and not kept them and lies constantly.

He was abusive in our relationship that ended many years ago, violent and had a gambling addiction. I'm not the only ex to have suffered at his hands. Daughter has been kept in the dark about new baby until now and feels hurt she wasn't told and pushed out. He doesn't work, pays not maintenance for her apart from the £7 a week from his benefits althou works cash in hand. They aren't declaring gf living with him as he will loosed his UC so daughters been told not to tell anyone he's moved her in. This property he lives in is housing association and brand new.

How do I navigate this? I've told her it's up to her to decide what she wants to do next. Ex was verbally abusive when she challenged him on why he used to hit me and spit at me - things she remembered, he shouted back that I pushed him to it and that I had brainwashed her....

How do I support her through this so she doesn't feel any worse?

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 25/10/2022 02:59

How do I navigate this? I've told her it's up to her to decide what she wants to do next.

You navigate it just the way you have - by telling DD that it;s entirely up to her how she wants to handle it.

He was abusive in our relationship that ended many years ago, violent and had a gambling addiction. I'm not the only ex to have suffered at his hands. Daughter has been kept in the dark about new baby until now and feels hurt she wasn't told and pushed out. He doesn't work, pays not maintenance for her apart from the £7 a week from his benefits althou works cash in hand. They aren't declaring gf living with him as he will loosed his UC so daughters been told not to tell anyone he's moved her in. This property he lives in is housing association and brand new.
It's horribly distressing for her to have been kept in the dark about the new baby & to be instructed to lie about the cohabitation.

But look on the bright side OP.
He's an abusive waster who has to have £7 a week deducted from his benefits because he can't be trusted to hand it over, while working cash in hand & denying his child any of that money for her upbringing. While it's horrible, DD is now old enough to take in the facts - the most important of which is that both your & her lives have been immensely improved by you leaving her dad all those years ago. She may want to consider doing similar. He has not been there for her - why should she have to play happy families with him & lie for him?

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