Son with high functioning autism at uni and his bedroom

[Besswess88]

My DC3 is 20. In his third year at Uni. Very proud of how he’s coped as has high functioning autism and has had to navigate A’levels and then 1st year of Uni in lockdown.

He and his gf chose to go to the same Uni. First year they were mainly with me, and her respective parents as in lockdown, online learning.

Second year they moved into a 2 bed flat (bedroom each) and another 2.bed flat the third year.

DS insisted I keep his bedroom with all his built Lego on shelves etc like a fucking shrine to him, yet the last two years he had been home for two nights over Xmas, that’s it.

I am living in a 4 bed house alone. I have turned one bedroom into an office to WFH which also has a single bed and I have a lodger moving into my en suite loft next weekend so I can pay my bills.

I have bought a double bed to put in DS room so that my parents/family can come and stay.

DS is very upset about this. I am not chucking any of his extensive shit out from under the bed - I just want somewhere that my parried can sleep without having to give them my room and sleep in my office.

DD is absolutely with me.

AIBU 🙈🙈

I can't believe people have voted YABU 🤣

If he's functioning enough to live with another person and only come home for 2 nights a year then he's functioning enough to understand his lego models need to be moved elsewhere

(And yes I do have experience with autism before I get piled on)

YNBU ... it's change and a big one for him. But if he's handled getting this far he will get over this. Just keep reminding him that it's still his room and you love him but it's not practical to leave his room unused.

I should add that too have experience with ASD

I don't think you're wrong but it wasn't going to be an easy thing either was it?! I think he needs to be allowed to be upset but at the same time it needs to go ahead so that your house can function in the way you need it to. How do estate agents get those room photos that you can move around to explore the room? That would be a good way of recording it how it was.

I can see it from both sides. My autistic DC are younger and can happily handle change outside of the home. But any change at home is less easy to adapt to. It's not as easy as saying he can cope with this, he should cope with that.

What is the plan for when his exams are all over and he is finished with Uni?

YANBU to make the change, but you are BU to expect a change that he hasn't been part of and quite possibly can't visualise to go without causing him to become stressed. It probably means that he can no longer 'see' his room in his mind anymore and is worried. Perhaps you could try involving him in the choice of bed or at least duvet cover design and share photos of it.

It's not unreasonable for you to make the change or for him to be upset.

He will be angry with you. He MAY handle it better if he is allowed to be the one who physically removes the old bed and replaces it. Giving him some control over the process will help.

However in the end he needs to deal. Even if it's hard. Even if he doesn't want to.

Taking photos of it as he left it and also sending him pictures of the new layout before his next visit home is a good plan.

Thanks everyone they are really great suggestions.

I think my view, if I was him, would be 'you have a 4 bedroom house why does MY room have to change?'. I wouldn't have been pleased if someone was sleeping in my room as a guest room.
What are his plans after uni? Is he coming home ? If so then I do think youre being a bit unreasonable . You obviously won't be able to use it for guests if he's home so your plans would have to change again.
We left our son's room until he left uni and started working 300 miles away. But it was always there for him while still a student.

Having autism is an added possible distress level for him, did you discuss your idea switch him before you did it?

I voted YABU only for the way that stuff like "like a fucking shrine" and "his extensive shit" comes across.

OP INBU to want to make use of the space, and the DS IBU to insist everything stays as it is. Ideally he needs to come home, go through all this stuff, put the important things away to be stored and deal with the rest.

It's just that it seems very dismissive of how unmoored a young adult can feel when the home they grew up in no longer has a space that's just for them. Going to university doesn't always exactly feel like moving out as such, and it can be comforting to have a foot in both camps, so it can be a bit of a shock to realise that your parents want to repurpose your room when you might still think of it as, in some way, your real home and your actual solid reference point in the world. At some point camp 1 does need that footspace back, but it can feel like a really big moment when you find out that home really isn't your home any more. The post seems a bit dismissive of the DS's belongings and feelings, though I suspect OP uses that language here to vent and wouldn't talk like that to his face.

Of course it's not unreasonable to want to be able to use the rooms in your home the way you want to.
But your total lack of understanding of how to go about doing that without distressing your autistic ds is staggering.

He's been home 2 nights a year for the last two years. He's moved in to a flat share with someone else. I'm sure the OP hasn't just shrugged her shoulders and decided to move his lego without telling him

Of course I don’t speak to him like that - I am venting here - after an ongoing 3 year repetitive conversation with him about his bedroom 🙈🙈🙄.

He also refuses to accept he has ASC, which I respect to a point, until he is really really autistic and anyone with an autistic child will understand my absolute frustration.

I am venting in a safe space (so I thought).

He also refuses to accept he has ASC

Well then tell him to stop being a big baby and to get over it like an adult. He’s a grown man who’s old enough to be a father or in the army and he’s whining about Lego models in a place he doesn’t even live. It’s the height of privilege.

Well yes, that's why I said that I thought you were venting.

If you want a safe space perhaps you should see if there's a forum somewhere called "Aw hunny you're absolutely right"? Posting in AIBU may have misled some of us into thinking you wanted to explore different possible perspectives.

And if you noticed at all, I did actually side with you on the central issue.

Does he have a formal diagnosis? Just curious as to how he can somehow deny that…. (My son aged 10 has autism and goes to a specialist school, he has learning disabilities as well as autism).

I think if he’s coping well enough to be away from home, living independently successfully with a girlfriend and completing a degree he can jolly well come and collect his lego and let you have the space.

I haven’t even asked him to move the Lego, I just want to replace the single bed with a double bed 🙈🙈

Perhaps he might handle it better if you tell him that iti is not his bedroom any more. Pack his models into the loft so he can collect them when he moves into his 'real' home but when he visits you now he is a guest and sleeps in the guest bedroom.

It’s not his storage locker, it’s your home. From what you have said he doesn’t even bother to come back to stay that often. Do what you want. Just remember the more you pander to him now the worse your making it for yourself in the future.

Just do it, OP. You know he can cope. You can promise to reverse the measure if he can identify a single harm to his stuff. He has to learn to accept change.

My DSs (no autisum, just hard-working geeks who accrued a lot of savings) decided to invest all their fortune in Lego (meant as investments). Their bedrooms are FULL of unopened lego sets now, plus built ones on display. Only one DS is barely adult but I am wondering if they think I can store all their stuff forever. Has your son lovingly covered his built sets with plastic sheeting to prevent UV light damage? I can't even say it is a bad investment move. <sigh>

Really?

My daughter has moved to uni this term and we have told her that her room will be used for guests as it has a double bed and en-suite. She has first priority if she is home, but when she isn’t then it will be used and not left empty.

I’m not going to ask guests to sleep on the sofa bed when there is a perfectly good bed available!

OP - could you tell him that a double bed also means his girlfriend can stay over as well now there is a double bed. Reassure him that it is still his home and his room, but it will be used only when he isn’t there.

No experience of autism here OP but I think it’s a bit of a right of passage. I was LIVID with my mum when I moved out at 20 and I came round for Sunday lunch to discover my bedroom had been converted into a guest room and all my stuff was in boxes in the garage. I got over it eventually. Obviously you know your son best but YANBU to convert his bedroom into a room that works best for you. Hopefully you can do something to make him feel a little happier with the change.

We did similar and sold it as your bed is getting a bit old now, you could do with a new one, a double would be handy for when your girlfriend is here. Might that help, or is it too late for that now?

Surely at this stage it would be best for him to look at storage solutions for his lego. They must be dusting up so much without him there to clean them.

YANBU it's your house.

He is not high-functioning Autistic. There is no such thing.

He clearly masks well.

However he is being unreasonable and you just need to go ahead with life.

Give him 2 options - he comes home & moves his stuff. Or you do it.