To feel sick shit of continuous illness

[utterlyshite]

I need to know if I'm being unreasonable here so I'd appreciate your honesty and possibly, some advice please. My partner has been unwell for months,he has a mild aquired brain injury from a car accident.This leaves him with low mood, apathy ,lack of energy but he is back at work. He has become increasingly impatient and a little condescending in his tone when I ask for something to be explained.He has always been a self professed lazy man but never wants to do anything anymore. Our social life has all but dried up.He has lost all interest in celebrating anything, isnt interested in drinks or eating out, has slowed down considerably;all of which I understand but find upsetting at times. This weekend past I was so looking forward to us spending time on our own, eating nice foods, getting a stroll in, going to the cinema etc. Gentle activity but enjoyable,together. I arrived to his home to find him irritated after a shit week at work.He then started coughing and talking through his nose..the beginning of a cold. He wouldn't take any paracetemol or any medication to manage symptoms of this cold but lay on the sofa for the best part of the weekend feeling awful and sorry for himself but wouldn't take medications until I got really pissed off on Saturday evening and was deliberating on going home. He then said that he felt so much better the next day.The cold all but disappeared, weirdly and he slept soundly the previous night.It's like he knew I was sick of it all and miraculously recovered.When he gets sick, he puts on this irritating sick voice and I feel so frustrated. Our relationship and lives have been turned upside down since the accident but he is reluctant to do much for himself to manage symptoms of any illness.I love him but feel so fucking sick of being continuously disappointed and instead of being a partner, I feel like his nurse.

Anyone please?

There appears to be three problems here.

Firstly his brain injury, which can change a person. They can become angry or whatever because of that but they can’t help it to a degree, it’s the brain that’s been damaged. It could be that he has changed so much you two are no longer suited. It could be he no longer wants to date you and doesn’t know how to tell you/is happy to use you for his own benefit even though he isn’t that into you nowadays?

Secondly you have plans in your head about doing stuff together. So you’re looking forward to stuff but turn up and he’s not up for it as he’s sick. If you told him your plans on the phone (or whatever) prior and he didn’t mention he’s not up for them then he should have as that’s not fair, so it’s his fault. If you didn’t tell him then you’re at fault for not saying prior so he had the chance to tell you he was sick.

Thirdly re medication. Paracetamol can be handy but not everyone likes taking meds. His body his choice. However if he knew he was sick he could have said to you that he’d not be up for doing stuff and perhaps you could do stuff with your pals instead.

Im thinking you need time apart to see what you want to do. Sorry OP.

Thanks for responding.He likes the idea of me minding him.He regresses when he is sick and puts on an irritating 'sick' voice that drives me bananas and then I feel really guily.He says he feels safer when |I'm there.We are together two years but don't live together. Certainly didn't expect this for a relationhip.

His brain injury is something he needs to learn to live with in an effective way or he'll live a mostly lonely life because not many people will sign up for this much hard work at the outset of a relationship or friendship.

My dad was never the same after having a stroke (relatively mild so similar to mild brain injury) it turned him into a social recluse and he exhibited a lot of the behaviours you mention. Fortunately for dad my mother accepted this was a new version of their marriage, unfortunately for my mother that meant a lot of sacrifices. Making those sacrifices after 40 years of marriage is one thing, making them at the outset of a relationship is another.

He could be making himself unwell at the idea of what you wanted to do. Not on purpose, but his body responding to the stress trigger of not wanting to let you down but simultaneously not wanting to go outdoors with you. I've seen some of the physical states my dad could get into that would incredibly clear up overnight when the "threat" of the new/outdoors/social thing was gone. He wasn't being manipulative - at least not consciously, he even missed funerals for well loved people in his life because of this so it wasn't through spite at any of us or my mother. It was a disabling feature of his now injured brain.

I'm sorry to say but you need to make a choice. Is this a relationship that you can be happy in or will it grind you down to the point of resentment? At the moment it doesn't sound like you live together so maybe a first step would be to agree to some space so you can both figure out if this is worth trying to build a future from or if you need to accept it won't work anymore.

It sounds terribly cruel, but we can't keep others warm by setting ourselves on fire. You need to consider your future and your happiness in all this too.

I had a minor head injury, and it took me probably 2 years to fully recover from. I had a massive amount of support from the minor head injury clinic at our local hospital and was given physio/monthly appointments with a clinical pyschologist. I honestly felt like half a person most of the time and no one understood, especially DH. Painkillers were a nightmare as even paracetamol would make me feel even more odd. It was a reallly low time of my life, because I just felt dizzy/nauseous/tired all the time and very low in mood which apparently is very common.

However I did take responsibility for myself, and was very pro active in resting, doing physio exercises and trying to get better as soon as I could.

If he's not engaging with anything like this, then that's a whole other issue. Headway are a good source of information, and often run local support groups.

It's actually incredibly sad to watch this big strong gorgeous human turn into a shell of himself.He would happily lie on the sofa all day long and watch tv.I'm losing the will to carry on.I love him but what type of a future do Ihave to look forward to as part of a couple.I feel like a carer now.I entered this relationship for a much needed relaease from the stress and drudgery of daily life and here we are a couple of years down the road.Its heartbreaking.

I found my brain processed things differently, so social settings like busy pubs/restaurants just completely over stimulated me and I made so many excuses to avoid them.

You have to face that this could be a long slow recovery and it's OK to say that you can't be on board with it. Your needs are just as important as his.

I get why he is scared. He won’t feel like himself. That’s a good point.

Talking of slow recovery, my friend took a decade to recover. But he has. He can drive a car, catch multiple buses, remember stuff. It’s amazing how the brain can recover. But it took a long time and his wife walked. I don’t blame her. He wasn’t the man she married.

If you have an honest chat with him perhaps you can find out if, as others have said, he’s making excuses to avoid doing stuff.

In which case you could start more planning to do outdoorsy things with friends. Accepting he’s changed and it may be long term. ie ‘I fancy going a walk in the park next Saturday morning. I’m happy if you want to stay home as I can go with Elieza. Should I give her a ring to arrange? Happy to bring lunch in to yours if you don’t want to come, if want a sandwich from our local favourite shop we count lunch just the two of us at yours or whatever? And see what he says. If he wants to come fine. I think I’d see how often he kept his word though and phone her to come anyway just in case he couldn’t.

Perhaps that would be a compromise. You still get to be with him but mostly at home. And do stuff with pals.

He can’t help how he feels. But he can help lying or neglecting to mention stuff. Just tell him to be honest. And a bit of space first might help.