Unplanned pregnancy guilt

[BerneseMum]

I have always been somewhat of an empath and always worry about others’ emotions and feelings far more than my own.

I recently discovered I am pregnant. This was not something I expected and whilst I’m not against the idea of having a child, honestly if it hadn’t have happened unexpectedly I would probably have never actually got round to it.

Im approaching 16 weeks and have only this weekend told even my closest family. Friends will be next but my 2 closest friends have had struggles with conceiving. Whilst both have children now, they would like more and one in particular spent years tracking everything before her success. I am worried that my ‘effortless’ situation will upset them. I also feel guilt when I read threads about stranger miscarriage and those out there trying desperately.

I am also experiencing gender disappointment (just to complicate the confusion - why do I think I have the right to be disappointed with something I didn’t even plan?!) and coming to terms that my whole lifestyle will be changed.

I really don’t want this to sound depressive. Honestly, I’m happy that life has thrown this curveball. I expect I’m just overthinking, but I really want to try enjoy pregnancy (as to date it has been rather tough and I have felt entirely alone except for DP who doesn’t seem to understand) but I just don’t want to upset people in the process.

Sorry for rambling-does anyone else experience similar thoughts?

Pregnancy

it’s a great forum!

I’m sorry, I did check the forums and couldn’t find anything covering the guilt feeling of unexpected pregnancy while others are struggling.

But your friends already have children, so stop feeling guilty.

You don’t have to enjoy pregnancy - it’s bloody hard. Just go with it and stop beating yourself up.

My DC were planned but I can understand I think.
My first, I decided I wanted to have a baby and got pregnant as soon as I came off the pill - within about a week or two. There was no planning agonising and although we were in a decent position to have a baby, had a decent family income etc, it wasn’t something that we had given all that much thought to.

One of my best friends on the other hand had, by that point, been trying for about 5 years and had had a few miscarriages and was going through therapy ahead of IVF. They’d also planned out their lifestyle for DC - stayed in jobs she didn’t love for the money and the good maternity benefits, buying a house near good schools all that. DH and I hadn’t even known each other when my friend started trying and deciding for a baby was a very much “hey shall we have a baby now?” thing. I felt a lot of guilt.

I could see that the general consensus online was to text friends rather than tell them in person or over the phone. This is so if their initial reaction isn’t happy and they need a little cry, they can, and then be happy for you (on the surface at least) when they see you. It’s advice I followed and I think was really sound advice. I’m sure my friend cried about my pregnancy, I know now how how difficult all those years were (they lasted past my 2nd child too) because she’s written about it and been published in magazines/ newspapers. I’m sure she cried and also that she wanted to do so in private and the fact that we then saw each other maybe a week later, by which time she could pretend to be thrilled, was for the best. Her DH didn’t come round to visit when I had a newborn. His choice and one I respect.

That’s really helpful, thanks. I will think about the messaging option as it does seem a lot fairer on them 🥰

Messaging ahead then a follow up phone call is often the suggested way, alternatively in person but in private - not a big reveal in a public place

Nothing to feel guilty about. Coming from someone who struggled, it's much easier when you have children.
One piece of advice though, don't mention how quickly it happened / that you weren't really trying. That's a piece of information they don't need to know (unless they specifically ask you).

Oh and congratulations!

The difference here op is it sounds like your friends now all have the babies they wanted, which is entirely different to someone who's facing infertility. They have no reason to be upset with you.

Text by all means, it gives you both space and don't over egg the ambivalence or how it wasn't planned, but I don't see any reason they won't just be happy for you.

Your friends have got children. Now it is your turn. That's the truth of it. It's not some sort of competition. Nobody decent would resent how easily you conceived. Frankly, it's none of their business.

Just to warn you, when your baby turns out more beautiful and clever than other people's babies, you will not feel the slightest twinge of guilt. Brace yourself!

Don’t worry about it. Most people get pregnant no problem at all, your friends will already know this.

YABU I’m sure your friends will be thrilled for you. Tell them, and let them help you enjoy your pregnancy.

Why are you making this such hard work? No one thinks as much about you as you do. No one will give more than a moment’s thought to your pregnancy in the detail you seem to think.

You sound exhausting and I’d suggest dealing with that well before your baby arrives.

Agree with others that as your friends now have their dc it’s probably going to be a lot easier for them to be happy about your news than if they were still trying. You don’t have to specifically mention that you didn’t plan the baby (though close friends may know that’s the case or ask specifically anyway).
I had the same in that I have friends who tried for quite some time and we had an unplanned (though wanted) pregnancy only a year into our relationship, but luckily my friends had dc by then so though I still felt a bit guilty telling them, it made it a lot easier.
Also, with the disappointment over the sex of the baby, I had been somewhat hoping for a girl and had a ds, I can’t imagine anything else now, I wouldn’t change him for absolutely anything and would honestly be happy if we go on to have another boy in future.

I think you are in shock yourself. I get pregnant easily and have cried when the test turned positive. I think it’s normal to feel a range of things not just happiness.

Gender disappointment- I have always been ‘girly’ but have both sexes. You get a unique person it really doesn’t matter once they are born. But again it’s okay to feel disappointed. You are you and you can be grateful and feel disappointed.

In terms of comparing your pregnancy with others struggles. I agree don’t gloat about how easily you got pregnant. However in reality we all succeed at different things. I feel jealous of those who have nicer holidays, closer family, work less. We all just have to deal with it.
Do enjoy talking about the nice bits of pregnant- the middle but is lovely, you’ll probably feel kicks soon.

You have nothing to feel guilty about 💐

Don't feel guilty. DC1 was very much planned after a miscarriage. DC2 and DC3 just burst into my life unplanned. Just believe in fate and enjoy the pregnancy!