To think that excessive speeding with your kids in the car is a safeguarding issue?

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TLDR: AIBU to think that travelling 86mph in a 50 zone with speed cameras on a wet day with your children in the car is an unacceptable risk and a safeguarding concern?

Very long story short - narc abusive ex has no contact order because he failed to show to court for the final hearing. Since then, he hasn’t been seeing them as I felt it too unsafe without a court order. Despite not stopping phone contact, he doesn’t really bother with them and it is the children who initiate contact in the main.

However, youngest (12) started asking to see him so I very reluctantly agreed with his sister to him having contact with very specific conditions and her supervising with the warning that this is his absolute last chance to prove he is safe to be around our children. One of my conditions was that they were absolutely not to travel in his vehicle with him because of his history of dangerous and drink driving. I reminded her of this twice.

Following the very first visit, they told me that they had travelled back in his car and that he was doing over 80mph in a 50 zone which has cameras along the length, doing a mock impression of me saying ‘you can’t do 86mph with children in the car’ and laughing. He was speeding up between, and slowing down for the cameras on a very wet day. He told my children they weren’t to tell me about it.

I‘m obviously angry and concerned, particularly as this was the first visit. I have two questions:

1. should I allow contact to continue in light of this, (and if so, how do I make sure contact is safe)?
2. should I report this info to someone? Who would I report to and what would they do? Thanks for any advice - feeling very conflicted about the right thing to do.

Do not let contact continue. He cannot be trusted - his first time seeing his children and this is the shit he pulls?

No matter what my DC said, I wouldn’t have allowed it in the first place.

The man didn’t turn up to the final hearing, which tells you all you need to know about him, and 12 is plenty old enough to understand that there is a legal process that has to be engaged with to ensure their safety, that their other parent didn’t engage, and so they cannot see him.

Thanks @WeAreAllDead, that is the way I’m leaning.

I feel so upset about it all today even though I predicted something like this would happen. He keeps doing this to us - dragging us back only for him to go out of his way to prove he is unsafe. It has taken me a long time to recognise his behaviour but I really think this is rooted in control - he feels controlled by my safeguards and wants to prove he can behave however he wishes with his children, up to and including endangering them.

I’m disappointed in his sister. I was at pains to explain my position and concerns and she still left them unsupervised with him. Should I mention this to his sister? Her 15yo son/his nephew was also in the car so part of me thinks she should know so she can decide if he should travel with his uncle again.

Agree. Stop contact. Let him pursue a child arrangement order if he wants to but you are absolutely right to safeguard your children.

I would absolutely rip her a new one, verbally, yes. She’s an enabler, and that won’t change.

He drags you back because you let him. You have the control and the power here, so start using it.

Should I mention this to his sister? Her 15yo son/his nephew was also in the car so part of me thinks she should know so she can decide if he should travel with his uncle again.

Of course you should tell her.
You seem pretty clued up about control. So you'll know that control & abuse thrive in secrecy. Your ex sounds deranged - real personality disorder stuff. Don't keep his shitty secrets.

And no more contact. He is unsafe, & you definitely need to report this latest stunt - because you need it on record for next time he decides to play silly buggers & start court proceedings again.

Also - congratulations on being the kind of mum that your kids can tell the truth to. I hope that gives you a big warm glow - you deserve it.

I agree you need to stop all contact in terms of the DC going to his or with him. He can visit them at your home when you are there but only if the DC really want to see him. Your ex has lost any consideration for what he wants.

I would not rip into his sister but let her know about the 80mph in a 50mg zone driving as her son was also in a car. She is likely in denial about her brother, but you owe it to her to tell her it happened. Whether she believes you or not, not your problem. I wouldn’t rip into her because this may turn her against you. If he goes to court to demand the DC have unsupervised visits with him, the last thing you want is his sister popping up and being a character witness and saying her dear brother never drives over the limit and is a perfectly safe driver who drives her son all the time. Etc etc. I’m not saying she is on your side, but rather don’t push her even more to his side.

If the youngest wants to see him again, in your home and record it.

His sister I would message her and say thanks for listening about the supervision. Did x listen to your brother or did he tell you what happened in the car? I don’t know about you but I’m not putting mine in that situation again - 86 on a 50 isn’t acceptable never mind on a wet road. Stunts like this are why I asked for supervised.

Definitely agree with no more contact. He was playing with his DC's lives.
I would report this but as to who, I have no idea. Maybe start with the police and go from there.
I would also let his sister know about the incident as her ds was with them.

I messaged his sister who quickly responded to say her son said they were going 56 mph. I said that’s impossible based on what my children had told me. She responded that her son wasn’t in the car (turns out I got this bit wrong - miss understanding on my part). So I told her he should take some credit for only endangering his own kids. Not heard anything since and I’m disappointed that she had nothing to say about the behaviour. I’m now wondering if she asked her son at all (why didn’t he say he was in the car straight away?) and her reflex is to lie to cover for her brother. The PP who said she’s an enabler has nailed it.

Honestly there’s no court ordered contact and based on the fact that it was supposed to be supervised and it wasn’t I would withdraw that. Also the person supervising completely ignored your wishes and potentially placed your children at risk.

You can report to children’s services if you are concerned. Google to find your local contact details.