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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to write my next door neighbours a little note about their baby

67 replies

MarkStretch · 28/01/2008 07:34

We live in a terraced house.

Next door have a baby aged about 10/11/months. Our bedroom is at the front of the house and so is theirs. Baby sleeps in their room with them.

He cries. A lot. And we can hear it like he is in our room.

Last night he cried from about 10.30pm til gone midnight. Then 3.30 this morning until 5.30am. They don't seem to make any effort to comfort him, so he screams and screams for hours, non stop.

DP and I both work full time, DP works shifts and often has to get up at 5.30am. I am sympathetic to the fact babies cry, after all we are parents too but we are both losing hours of sleep listening to their baby crying.

Should we say something?

OP posts:

pelafina · 28/01/2008 09:50

Message withdrawn

tearinghairout · 28/01/2008 10:07

It can be heartbreaking to hear a baby cry. We're programmed to respond, I'm sure, even if it's not our baby.

I remember my next door neighbour doing gardening, with his baby in a pram there too. The baby would wake up & eventually start to cry. Neighbour would coo his name, over and over agian, as the baby's crying got more and more frantic. I had to fight the urge to go & grab that baby out of the pram and shout at the father. Had to stay out of my garden when he was 'babyminding' in the end.

Anyway, no, YANBU for wanting to do something, of course not. I would echo the others who say try to make friends with them. Has this baby been crying all this time? (You say he is 10/11 months)If not, perhaps he's just not well atm & this will go back to normal in a few days?

spokette · 28/01/2008 10:13

Please do not send a note. It will make the parents feel awful as well as useless and only add to their stress levels which the baby will pick up on.

I have twin boys and they cried a lot when they were babies. One of my neighbours two doors away mentioned to DH that they had hefty lungs. He said it in a jocular way but we were still mortified and it left us feeling more anxious when they started to cry.

They are now 3yo and our direct numpty neighbours still bang on the wall when they cry or laugh at 7am in the morning. They appear to forget that they have 5 children themselves.

It is difficult to be tolerant of others noise but in this case, you have to be understanding and find a way of mitigating the disturbance yourself, e.g earplugs or even a white noise machine which is suppose to work.

Good luck.

Emprexia · 28/01/2008 10:14

i'd be more inclined to verbally ask them if there is anything you can do to help... with the benefit of your parenting experience.

I do it with my neighbours, they've a grandchild only a few days younger than DS, i've told them if ever they need anything when they're babysitting to just come and ask me after i sat listening to the poor kid scream for three hours because he was teething and they'd got no teething gel or calpol coz mom and dad forgot to bring it with them when they dropped him off.

FAQ · 28/01/2008 10:14

MarkStretch - you say you can hear when a baby is being picked up/comforted - well you should have been in this house over the weekend - DS3 screamed just as much when we picked up him (usually more actually) as he did when we didn't.

mellowma · 28/01/2008 10:17

Message withdrawn

TigerPants · 28/01/2008 10:20

If you say something, do it from a sympathetic point of view ie: offer help to babysit for a while.

After all, you don't actually know whether the baby is being comforted.

DS1 used to cry for hours, irrespective of whether he was in his cot, my arms, sat up etc, etc.

I would imagine the parents are at the end of their tether, and would appreciate a little neighbourly support.

DaDaDa · 28/01/2008 10:24

This is particularly the case with older babies I think FAQ. You pick them up and they seem you shout 'never mind all that, I just want to get back to sleep and my bloody gums hurt. Stop bloody shushing me and make it stop'.

missingtheaction · 28/01/2008 10:29

My kids never slept through - i could just about cope with 'controlled crying' but dh couldn't stand a single whimper.

BUT they may not be aware how clearly you can hear the baby, and they might be able to move the baby to a different room. If you say VERY NICELY AND SYMPATHETICALLY what IndigoViolet's neighbours did you might get a result!

TodayToday · 28/01/2008 10:33

Do you ever speak to your neighbours, in a neighbourly way? Do you know if they are having problems with a constantly crying baby?

Maybe they need some help. Perhaps you could start up a conversation and let them know about Cry-sis that charity which offers support to families with a sleepless, crying baby.

We have some friends who used them when their son got to a year old still not sleeping much at night and they reached the end of their tether.

SoupDragon · 28/01/2008 10:48

"I'm just knackered and it's frustrating that there's nothing I can do about it."

Do you not think they might be feeling the same??

Sheesh.

singsong · 28/01/2008 11:33

I had problems with my ds1, he cried and cried at times. Me and dh were taking it in turns to hold him, rock him, sing to him but it seamed that the crying continued no matter what we did. Felt terrible anyway at the time as felt I was bad mother not able to deal with him properly. I felt bad for ds as he was upset and felt bad for me and dh as we were both sleep deprived. Also felt bad that we may have been disturbing neighbours as I?m the kind of person who would never play loud TV, music or shout in case they could hear through the wall ?not even in the day. But ds crying was obviously different because I seamed to have no control over that, no off switch or volume control! Anyway as I said I was in a fragile state at the time as it was and then my neighbour started banging on the wall, playing very loud music (which didn?t bother me as was awake anyway but I worried it could wake rest of street and then they would all blame me) and he also came outside our house in the night shouting F-ing this and F-ing that. I was scared by his aggressive nature and thought at one point I should call the police. For us luckily there was light at the end of the tunnel because we had plans to move in the near future anyway ?that was our first house and was smaller and we had planned to move in about 6 months to a bigger place to make room for kids stuff and to have a dc2. As it was we decided to move quicker than first planned and looked for another house straight away. Now I live in a detached house and ds1 started sleeping better here almost straight away! I think in hindsight it wasn?t helping that I was so stressed by it all at old house, now everything is much more relaxed.
Anyway I would say not to complain about the crying (if it was a TV or something they could turn off then fair enough that would be different) I think complaints will add to their stress and make them even less able to calm the baby. Instead I would agree with others who have said take a friendly approach. Ask how they are doing/invite them round for a cuppa/ say along the lines of ?I can remember when I had some bad night with my ds/dd when they were teething? make them feel they are not the only ones in this position. Maybe you can help make them feel less stressed and can help the situation if they feel they?ve some support in the neighbourhood. Better still introduce them to Mumsnet then they can get all the advice and support they need to help calm their baby?s cries
In the mean time I do feel for you ?I know what it?s like to be sleepless and tired.

kerala · 28/01/2008 11:44

I do have sympathy with OP though its horrible being kept awake by other people's lives. So dont be too hard on her!

That said our dd was a cryer too despite being held and paced around the flat. I was mortified that I would be disturbing the neighbours. No one said anything though. Although I didnt feel too bad about it as all our neighbours are noisy in different ways, we had always been the quiet ones. So I figured a few months of us making a racket was divine justice for all the loud music/electric guitars/door slamming we had politely put up with for years...

chloesmumtoo · 28/01/2008 11:51

No, I definately would not say anything. My ds was a nightmare for sleeping when he was little and wouldnt settle well at all on his own. I tried everything! God the thought of someone mentioning it also would be terrible esp when you are tired and so stressed out,could take it very badly. I later went on to have a dd with problems and disturbed sleep due to medical reasons, not her fault so I think you should be very careful.

QuintessentialShadow · 28/01/2008 11:54

"They don't seem to make any effort to comfort him, so he screams and screams for hours, non stop. "

How do you know this? Can you see through walls? Can you hear a soothing voice?

How do you know both are going downstairs? Maybe they go to fetch something, like a bottle, new dummy, or anything?

fryalot · 28/01/2008 11:56

or maybe they've gone to the pub to get away from the noise?

Elasticwoman · 28/01/2008 11:56

OP - I think you might speak to them, (NOT write a note) express sympathy, offer to help by having the baby for a couple of hours occasionally as some one else suggested. They are probably struggling. They will get the message that you can hear their baby crying without your having to spell it out. Perhaps they will tell you what strategies they have to soothe a crying baby in the course of conversation, but I wouldn't ask directly. Don't offer any advice unless they ask for it, but try to sound sympathetic. Good luck.

In the meantime: earplugs? Move your bed against a different wall? Double glazing?

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