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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to write my next door neighbours a little note about their baby

67 replies

MarkStretch · 28/01/2008 07:34

We live in a terraced house.

Next door have a baby aged about 10/11/months. Our bedroom is at the front of the house and so is theirs. Baby sleeps in their room with them.

He cries. A lot. And we can hear it like he is in our room.

Last night he cried from about 10.30pm til gone midnight. Then 3.30 this morning until 5.30am. They don't seem to make any effort to comfort him, so he screams and screams for hours, non stop.

DP and I both work full time, DP works shifts and often has to get up at 5.30am. I am sympathetic to the fact babies cry, after all we are parents too but we are both losing hours of sleep listening to their baby crying.

Should we say something?

OP posts:
fryalot · 28/01/2008 08:11

When dd1 was little and not sleeping very much, and crying a lot through the night, my very nice and pleasant next door but one neighbour knocked on the door (irritatingly because I had only just got dd1 to sleep and got some kip myself, but that's a whole other story) and asked me if I was aware that my baby had been crying for three hours solidly through the night, and then on and off for another four hours...

I said "oh, yes, we're going through a bit of a tough time at the moment, sorry if she disturbed you"

What I wanted to say was: "How the feck do you think that I can sleep through seven hours of crying when you can hear it two fecking doors away? do you think I am a fecking idiot? Do you think I am unable to care for my child, you fecking moron? Do you have any idea whatsoever about what life is like with a child who cries through the night? Do you think you can do better? If so, feel free to have her tonight whilst I get some sleep because, believe me, your disturbed fecking night was nothing compared to what I have to live with EVERY NIGHT so please keep your fecking opinions to yourself and feck off"

or words to that effect.

Anyway, I am sure that they are struggling and perhaps a well intentioned "are you struggling? you want me to look after your baby for a couple of hours in the evening while you get some kip?" might be a better plan.

(sorry for the rant - have been waiting 14 years to say all that )

HeppyChick · 28/01/2008 08:12

One of my neighbours' children cried for a couple of hours every night for months. They used to apologise profusely to me as there was nothing they could do to stop it. I got earplugs and then one night, miraculously, it stopped, as will your neighbours' child. It is awful for you but equally awful for them too. Earplugs will help.

fryalot · 28/01/2008 08:12

IndigoViolet - just out of curiosity, how do you stop them from crying if they are on a cry-athon?

pirategirl · 28/01/2008 08:13

I think I would try and speak face to face, if an oportune moment came, say outside the home.

Perhaps when you see the mum with the baby in the pram? Rather than a note.

It may be a softer approach, to say you sympathise, and you know how tiring it is.

My dd was a very awake baby, who cried and cried, and barely slept.

I did howver spend alot of time in the room withher, so maybe thats whats happeneing sometimes, not much too ing and fro ing, cos they are already sat right there trying to use thier presence as comfort/company?

Have a word, and break the ice?

ZippiBabes · 28/01/2008 08:16

my ds used to cry all the time when he was awake..which was a lot

this carried on till he was about 13 except the crying was substitued with some form of anger tantrum outburst commotion

it is unbelievably stressful

some babies do cry and wont be setled it doesnt reflect on parenting skills at all

amidaiwish · 28/01/2008 08:24

definitely agree you could try the "nice" approach, go for the sympathy (for them) angle and maybe even offer to have the baby for a couple of hours if you can.

at least that way if they are just leaving the baby to cry they know they are disturbing you and might stop! If they're not then at least you have been kind to her.

Wisteria · 28/01/2008 08:35

Can't believe you would even consider writing a note? Imagine how you'd have felt if you were absolutely knackered from sleepless nights and then got a note? It would probably have really upset me.

I agree with others - make friends with them and offer to babysit for an evening so they can have a break or invite them round for a drink etc.

Have you considered sleeping in another room or buying some earplugs? Have some sympathy for them, it's exhausting.

Ineedacleaner · 28/01/2008 08:44

My ds is nearly 2 and since the day he was born has cried a lot for various reasons.

I have said to my extremely lovely next door neigbours -only have on set I live in a semi- that I hope he hasn't disturbed them and every time she says she has never heard him. I doubt that very much but there has never been a complaint.

If they had put a note through my door I would have been soooo upset. It would have made what is already an extremely stressful upsetting situation worse.

When you have a baby that cries that much it is really hard going and waht you need more than anything is a bit of support rather than complaints about it. You cannot possibly know what is going on next door just because you can not here comforting doesn't mean it is not happening.

NoIHaventChangedMyName · 28/01/2008 08:56

Just you saying you heard baby will be enough for mum to realise its been heard. Mortification enough IMO. My neighbours always feign ignorance when I ask them incredulously if they heard DD earlier etc. But whether they really do hear her or not I really don't know!

LadyJogsAlot · 28/01/2008 08:57

if they were doing controlled crying, it wouldn't have gone on for months fgs!

Lulumama · 28/01/2008 09:02

Agree with those who have suggested approaching her when she is out with the baby, and using a more sympathetic angle

My friends 3 DCs have all been inconsolable criers for the first year - 18 months... fed, changed, burped, cuddled, sang to, rocked, dummy, everything ! they could cry for up to 2 hours, even if the parents were holding them or in the same room

some babies just cry, frustrating as that is.

green · 28/01/2008 09:03

When my ds2 was a baby our next door neighbours (who previously we were friendly with ie. christmas eve drinks etc) knocked on the wall when he cried at night.

I was mortified and dh went to speak to them the next day saying if there was a problem could they come and talk to us rather than bang on the wall. I even tried popping round, thinking maybe she was having a hard time herself hence unreasonable behaviour. She was a complete bitch to me, and even told me they were considering moving house!! It really really affected me and I was on one hand really cross with them but on the other hand really upset and neurotic after that.

Do not write a note - they will be suffering far more than you I'm sure. Get some earplugs.

batters · 28/01/2008 09:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MarkStretch · 28/01/2008 09:10

We've tried earplugs. I've even slept with the pillow over my head and tried to sleep in the bottom bunk in my daughter's room.

The main reason I hate is that I lie awake listening to a distressed baby crying feeling totally helpless.

I agree it's none of my business how they parent their child, I'm just knackered and it's frustrating that there's nothing I can do about it.

I don't think I need to say anything, to be honest I think the neighbour the other side already has this morning.

OP posts:
LoveAngel · 28/01/2008 09:12

OMG. Please don't say anything. Unless you want to be known forevermore as 'that bitch next door'. Babies cry. Get some ear plugs.

DaDaDa · 28/01/2008 09:16

Yurt's advice is good, I think.

If they are doing CC it would have been polite of them to mention the fact, but you can't really expect it. Even if they aren't doing CC, not all babies magically stop crying when they're picked up (utter myth in my experience and very irritating when people just assume they do). We were constantly apologising, but then we've had babies to either side too - now I understand what it is like to have to be in the same room as a screaming baby in the early hours. If you're on decent terms with the neighbours, ask if the child is teething/ill. As sympathetically as you can.

Alternatively, get some earplugs.

MrsBumblebee · 28/01/2008 09:22

I echo what most others have said. My DS cried pretty much solidly for the first three months. I always tried to comfort him, and never left him to cry, but nothing worked. I was very down and felt like a useless parent, and if someone else had made a complaint it might well have pushed me over the edge. Only do something if you really believe the child is being neglected - hopefully a casual friendly/sympathetic chat with the parents should give you a pretty good idea of their attitude. If they seem to be trying their best, then all you can do is use earplugs and wait it out. I do sympathise, though - sleep deprivation is a killer.

rookiemater · 28/01/2008 09:31

Markstretch my DS has never been a crier so I would be really distressed if I heard what you have been hearing. I must admit its been an eye opener to me to hear that some peoples babies do cry all night and for those parents who have gone through that situation,you deserve a medal. Have you tried wax earplugs, with them firmly jammed in I can't even hear my DS on the rare occasions he wakes up in the bedroom beside us so Dh has to get up instead.

morningglory · 28/01/2008 09:31

I would not send a note, but agree with others to go the more personal, get to be friends approach.

I was a baby who was legendary in our neighborhood because I would cry non-stop from midnight to 4am for the first 7 months of my life. My parents tried everything, and they just couldn't stop me crying. My poor father was a registrar surgeon, and desperately needed his sleep. They still talk about me in the neighborhood, 36 years later!

On a more personal level, I had new neighbors above me when ds was 9 months old and badly teething. He would wake up at 5am and cry for about 10 minutes, then fall back asleep. After living above me for 2 days, the neighbors came down and confronted me about my baby and told me it was unacceptable that he was waking them up, and that because they owned their flat and we rented, they were going to try and get us evicted. After that, I was extremely uncomfortable in my own home, and it caused me undue stress anytime DS would make a peep!

yogimum · 28/01/2008 09:32

Offer to babysit one night?

DaDaDa · 28/01/2008 09:43

That's unbelievable morningglory. It's only when you have children that you realise they are actually human beings, and that they don't have an 'off switch'.

I look back at some of my pre-fatherhood attitudes and shudder.

Wisteria · 28/01/2008 09:44

You're using the wrong earplugs then - get some 'factory' ones, you'll not hear a thing!

Chequers · 28/01/2008 09:45

Message withdrawn

AhhChewww · 28/01/2008 09:46

How awful for you morningglory...
We had only one couple living above us and they never said a word about dd crying (many times) in the middle and night. i tried to apoligized to them and they always said they didn't hear anything.

And now I found out that the girl is pregnant herself and because they were/are such an understanding people I already gave them a lovely crib, sheets, bath and other baby stuff.

berolina · 28/01/2008 09:48

Oh good grief OP, please, no note. You could talk to them - not going round specially but when you bump into them - and just ask them in a friendly way how they are doing. But no note. If they have been desperately trying to comfort him they will just feel even more dreadful, and in the unlikely event that they don't care, it's unlikely to make them start caring.

Am at the attitudes to renting a couple of you describe. Thank goodness that couldn't happen over here. (We rent, along with about 65% of the population).