To refer myself to SS

[Eyewantobreakfree]

I am in an abusive marriage. As I am weak and pathetic I feel unable to report to the police. My daughter has been the apple of his eye so I can’t up sticks and leave and take her (tried this and my daughter went back to him) My son is very aware that his behaviour is unacceptable.
Should I just leave with my son? I’m worried that if I did this she would become the abused one.
He won’t leave, married so can’t force him. Not safe for me to do so anyway.
if I refer me/my family to SS. Will they help my children be safe? Away for us both if necessary.
NC as I’m embarrassed of the shit parent I’ve become
DC 12 & 15

So sorry you are in this situation. There are lots of helpful organisations listed here who can help you with making your decision. Good luck whatever you choose to do

www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help

It's not weak abs pathetic to be unable to report abuse to the police OP, I imagine you're scared of the consequences.

Take to women's Aid or message them, they've talked to thousands of women feeling like you, often with children who have mixed feelings about their dad and whether they want to stay or go.

Thank you. I don’t get any private time to speak on the phone. I can do this now because he’s in a mood with me and I’m getting the silent treatment. I really want to tell my manager at work but feel like I am putting on her and I don’t want to cause anyone any hassle

Sorry just noticed you mentioned messaging. I didn’t know I could do that. Thank you

Your employer have a legal duty to support you actually, and if it's a big company they'll have policies and procedures.

Women's Aid have an online Chat facility, or would he track you online?

Boots offer a discreet room to make phone calls, could that work?

As a manager, I wouldn’t feel put out at all. I would want to help. Please tell your manager

Thank you. I’ve been on the chat but they close at 6 and I don’t want to take wait in case I’m preventing someone who needs help more so I’ll try again tomorrow.
@EkátnThank you. I would just feel awful, especially if they were having their own problems. I don’t want to add stress to anyone.

You and your situation are important OP. And your children. Your work need to know - apart from anything else, the abuse will be affecting your performance!

You need some advice quite urgently on that Chat, others could be in less serious situations than you.

He'll have probably "trained you" out of ever putting yourself first. Try and do that now, for this important step, OP.

If you were one of my staff I would be happy to help you. Please don’t feel you’re placing a burden on your manager. They will be able to help you seek appropriate help

You can go into pharmacy. Ask to speak to “Ani”. They should know what to do. I imagine they will be shut now, unless it’s a late night one; but you could try tomorrow.

When you say your DD wants to go back to him - is he physically abusing you?
if so it’s very unlikely a court would give him access other than supervised visits
Please get help x

Please speak to someone OP. You need to make a safety plan, and get yourself and your children out.

women’s aid, the pharmacy, the police can all help you, love. as can the other organisations pp listed.

Your DD will see it eventually, and then she’ll thank you for leaving.

tell your manager. She will help you.. it’s not a burden, it’s her duty.

We’ve had this recently. Everyone knew what was happening as it’s more obvious than you think. You need to reach out and get help. Help is there waiting Your children are important.

Just for a second op think about what circumstances you've had to parent through- you're not weak or a shit parent you probably parent harder than other people who are in safe households do but he's eaten away your self esteem and got you to believe that about yourself. I would encourage you to link in with womens aid, they can get you space in refuge if you need to leave urgently and can help you work on a plan to get out and be independent and safe. Domestic abuse is really difficult for kids to process sometimes they'll see it as normal, sometimes they'll side with the abuser as a way to keep themselves feeling safe and sometimes the abuser uses the kids against the mother by turning them against them so they don't see the abuse. Womens aid will have highly trained specialist workers who will help your children process what's happened in your family and learn healthy boundaries and will help you find the words at the right time to explain to them any questions they might have. Your dd is probably aware on some level that what's happening isn't OK but is in denial or has also been gaslight by your husband to not be able to fully comprehend it. You may need to leave with your son and hope that she joins you at a later point if you don't think you'd be able to leave safely with her. Absolutely tell your manager in work this is important so they don't give out info to your husband accidentally putting you at risk and means they can be flexible with time off etc if you need it. You can speak to ss but I'd make sure you have a place with womens aid ready first and see if they can help convince your dd to go with you. Document everything even emotional abuse, photograph any injuries or any financial control and get yourself a solicitor. If you ring the police they have a dv team that can support you, they can remove your husband from your house and serve a temporary order on him to stop him returning until a solicitor can get a non mol in place. Womens aid would walk you through all that process. Most womens aid have a one stop shop in local communities if you can find out where that is, social housing, benefits agencies, police, solicitors and womens aid all go so you can get advice from everyone in one place if you find it hard to get out and about. Please make the step, it might even give your dd the green light to start thinking about things differently.

How are you feeling op?

Pathetic. I didn’t chat to womens aid. By the time I’d finished work and got home the chat lines were closed. My manger was juggling childcare today so didn’t want to to stress her out so didn’t tell her. I hate myself for being such a weak person.

You’re not pathetic or weak. Failure isn’t the opposite of success, failure is on the path way to success. Are you at work tomorrow? Email your manager in the morning or if you are physically in the same space then pass her a piece of paper which says you are being abused.

But if you want to contact SS, then they can help you.

You're not weak but please understand YOU MATTER. You and your children need to.be away from this man. Please wait on the chat, please tell your manager. You're clearly a lovely person who puts others ahead of herself but it's time to put yourself first. Good luck xx

Tomorrow is a new day @Eyewantobreakfree

Tell your manager then that you need help to do this.

She should help.

You are not weak, you have endured for years & you are still trying to reach out & do something good for yourself & your children.

You matter.
Your children matter.

You can do this.

Refuge online chat is available Mon-Fri 3-10pm
www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/en/Chat-to-us-online

You can also search for your local Women's Aid (or equivalent service) at www.womensaid.org.uk/womens-aid-directory/
Many will have the option to contact them by email.

Another option would be to make a GP appointment and talk about it there?

Hang on in there. You will find a way and you will be ok. You might feel weak and pathetic but you are actually very strong 💪

To endure is strong. You ARE strong OP. And very considerate. And patient. And loving. All this from your posts btw. Are you at work in the morning? Perhaps a word with your boss? The rest of the day off? Time to talk and prepare for you and your son? Your daughter will follow, no doubt, but after a while. Lines of communication kept open between siblings at the very least in the meantime, if your daughter gets caught up with her emotions etc. You're showing her, your son and yourself so much love, consideration, strength and patience by drawing a line and making life right for you all. 💐

Go to Boots. They participate in the ANI scheme. It’s a code word for Action Needed Immediately. Pharmacies have safeguarding responsibilities to customers anyway, and the Home Office set this scheme up with Boots and participating independent pharmacies.