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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that Engagements are no big deal anymore?

57 replies

IndiGlowie · 23/10/2022 16:09

It seems to me that people don't bother with engagements anymore . I remember years ago Engagements were celebrated. It was put in the local paper , there was a party etc . I haven't heard of anyone young getting engaged for a long time . Is it dying out ?

OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 23/10/2022 17:19

18th and 21st parties for all the extended family were a thing when I was little - working men’s club with a buffet type of party.

DelurkingAJ · 23/10/2022 17:20

Dixiechickonhols · 23/10/2022 17:19

18th and 21st parties for all the extended family were a thing when I was little - working men’s club with a buffet type of party.

We went to one recently, was lovely. She was having an 18th with friends too but this was a glorious buffet in the garden for extended family. Delightful!

TwoCoffeesPlease · 23/10/2022 17:23

I got engaged this year.
My parents wanted to throw us an engagement party but I’m making a big fuss of out 30ths so we didn’t want two parties so close together. We had both immediate families over to ours for champagne and pizza though which was sort of like a party (14 people).

My friend had an engagement party last November and we also went to one in 2019. Seems a bit 50/50 to me on who has them.

On engagements however, I do notice the increase in people getting “engaged” but not actually getting married or planning a wedding which I do find a bit pointless

x2boys · 23/10/2022 17:26

TwoCoffeesPlease · 23/10/2022 17:23

I got engaged this year.
My parents wanted to throw us an engagement party but I’m making a big fuss of out 30ths so we didn’t want two parties so close together. We had both immediate families over to ours for champagne and pizza though which was sort of like a party (14 people).

My friend had an engagement party last November and we also went to one in 2019. Seems a bit 50/50 to me on who has them.

On engagements however, I do notice the increase in people getting “engaged” but not actually getting married or planning a wedding which I do find a bit pointless

A friend of mine did that years ago she actually said she has no intention of getting married ,they were just getting engaged🤷‍♀️

Relocatiorelocation · 23/10/2022 17:30

Growing up in a very working class 80s there were parties for everything. 18th, 21st, engagements, joining the army, going away to work, coming back from working away.....we'd be down the labour club at least once a month for a buffet and a disco/ band.

FriedasCarLoad · 23/10/2022 17:33

My husband I didn't live together before marriage, so getting engaged felt like a big deal. Family, church family, friends, sent us gifts and cards and were all very kind.

No party though...we only had three months in which to organise the wedding, so a party didn't seem very feasible!

DullAndOvercast · 23/10/2022 17:36

I think it was changing 20 years ago - DH family completed ignored it - and my DMum sent some nice engagement presents and wider family a few cards but no party.

Took another two years to get married - longer than we thought - due to careers and work meaning we were in different bits of country. We moved into together about a month before marriage - as one of us had to relocate.

DSis and colleagues have been engaged years with no firm plans for marriage and few break up before any wedding came about - and a few seem to just be engaged.

We did try to do a housewarming when we moved here - hadn't been in right place for first house we bought kids very young a lot going on but no-one was interested. Big 18 and 21 parties don't seem to happen here either.

DullAndOvercast · 23/10/2022 17:39

We didn't do christening either - I wasn't christen as my family aren't religious.

MIL did get upset we weren't doing one for pfb despite fact they aren't religious at all - plus she wanted it near them but not to help sort - I think it was about showing off GC to their wider family - which we sort of did anyway.

soulinablackberrypie · 23/10/2022 18:03

Engagement seems to me to be an end in itself nowadays. My DH proposed to me in 1988 and we got married in 1989, just over a year later. Even that seemed like a rather long engagement at the time. Nowadays it seems people quite often "get engaged" and then just stay engaged for life. I'd question whether this is technically an engagement if they have no real intention of getting married. Occasionally you hear someone say "engaged to be married" as if that was a specific and more committed kind of engagement, which just goes to show that the word "engagement" on its own has lost meaning and now refers to something rather vague.

Now that straight people can have civil partnerships, I'm surprised that's not become more common as a way of showing commitment if for some reason you don't want to get married.

OneDayAtATimePlease · 23/10/2022 18:08

My cousin threw a huge engagement party and had an engagement photo shoot...unsurprisingly their wedding was an OTT affair (and they paid a photographer for a honeymoon photo shoot too!)

They appear to be genuinely happy together and are expecting their first child, but definitely not a "normal" engagement for our family or people we know (was only 5 years ago).

Mommabear20 · 23/10/2022 18:10

I think it's more the fact that, years ago, you would get engaged and then get married very quickly, as no one (or at least very very few) would live together before marriage. Whereas nowadays, most people live together, then get engaged, spend years saving for a wedding, or just don't get married at all. An engagement isn't the same commitment it used to be. Tbf, neither is marriage unfortunately 😣 and having children before marriage isn't the same taboo subject that it used to be.

warmeduppizza · 23/10/2022 18:14

Ours (a few years ago) felt like a pretty big deal, but then we didn’t live together until marriage and we weren’t engaged for all that long. No ring, party or photoshoot though. Just the announcement.

NCFT0922 · 23/10/2022 18:15

I’ve been to 4 engagement parties this year!

Yourstory · 23/10/2022 18:50

I think for a lot of people now it is just too expensive. Whilst before it was a bigger event, now social circumstances have changed it seems like such an awful lot of money when nothing really actually changes.

So many people don't bother getting married because it is so expensive to have even a basic wedding with a small buffet after let alone a big grand affair. Most people can't afford any big occasions so extra parties that aren't needed are definitely off the cards.

I agree about how there used to be extended family parties for big birthdays. I guess nowadays those budgets have been taken up with more expensive outsourced birthday parties when children are younger.

sayanythingelse · 23/10/2022 19:02

I imagine it's because an engagement used to be the start of a life together - engaged, married, house, children.

I've got a friend who just got engaged but they've already owned a house together for 6 years and have a 4 year old. They've already made the commitment.
Plus many people get engaged and have no intention of ever getting married, so getting a ring on your finger means diddly squat nowadays.

gogohmm · 23/10/2022 19:38

Now says people seem to get engaged years before marrying, if they ever marry, seems to be more a statement of being serious rather than immediately preceding the wedding invitations.

I know people who have been engaged multiple times but never married any of them hence no big deal

MrsClatterbuck · 23/10/2022 19:44

I got engaged in the mid eighties and we had a party for friends. We didn't live together and not until we married the following year. We also got a load of engagement presents which were a thing then. They consisted of practical things like tea towels and also a lot of small ornaments
which made their way to a car boot sale a number of years ago

nonono1 · 23/10/2022 19:53

It was a huge deal when my best friends and I got engaged! Everyone was so excited and I remember so many messages asking about wedding plans and everything else. Now we’ve all got married and had kids, looking back an engagement doesn’t seem like a big deal anymore - but at the time it absolutely was.

Stravaig · 23/10/2022 20:10

@NotTodayPal* *What, you’re promising to be committed to each other forever? Err… I’d kind of hope you’d already have had that conversation when you decided to bring children into the world.

If people actually had those conversations, half the Mumsnet threads would vanish!

BiscuitLover3678 · 23/10/2022 20:13

It depends! In my circle it’s still a big deal. Not as many parties for it lately but mostly because of covid. Mine was pre covid and we used it as an excuse for a party and to get everything together.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 23/10/2022 20:13

The world has moved on. Aside from newspaper announcements being basically redundant, parties are expensive! And nowadays so many behaved people already have a house and kids together so it’s not quite the exciting event it once was.

MavisChunch29 · 23/10/2022 20:15

Some people make a great hoo haa of the proposal. I think that has taken over from parties.

Mumsgirls · 23/10/2022 20:16

I got engaged in 1975 north west town, very common for working class people to post engagement in the local paper, posh people in the Times. Mine was in the local paper. Wedding photos were published free, having been sent in by the paid photographer.
Once saw a newspaper from Buxton from 1900, All the guests arriving in the local hotels were published. Can you imagine?

Mumsgirls · 23/10/2022 20:25

The staged formal proposal today amazes me, often when there are kids or a mortgage. Surely they must have had the conversation at some point? Most people I know now do house, marriage then kids and it is all planned, but we still get the’ surprise’ proposal. Years ago you ‘ courted’ next proposal/ engagement, then save a deposit and got married.
Also amazed by quite older women with children in full bridal splendour, but a different world and Suppose no harm

Haribosweets · 23/10/2022 20:31

I had an engagement party in 2006! But we weren't getting married until 2008. Hired a hall, DJ, did buffet etc. All our family and friends came (approx 150) and had a great time. Agree though I think mine was the last one I've heard of. House warming, people say they will but it never gets arranged!