Is it damaging to kids

[thecatspyjamas38]

To see a relative drunk? Been to see my mum today and she was clearly (to me) under the influence of alcohol. This was before lunch. She has a drink issue but that's a whole other story.

I had my ds11 and baby with me. She wasnt obviously drunk as in falling over, being abusive etc. but she was slurring a bit and saying stupid things. She can become argumentative and I bite back which makes for a bad atmosphere around the dc. I didn't stay long but I'm wondering if I ought to have not stayed at all. I think ds would have asked questions if we just left though.

I'm sick of it. I grew up with it I don't want the same for them. But as she's not outwardly abusive I guess I'm questionning if it's really that bad.

It’s not ok. Kids might see relatives a bit tipsy at a wedding or big birthday part something - not just going round someone’s house in the day. I wouldn’t be taking my kids there.

I don't think ds realises. It's still not ok though. It changes her personality. I don't want to cut contact and when she's not drinking we get on brilliantly. It's really hard.

They are seeing addiction which is different from seeing a relative drunk. I'd start to go low contact. Seeing her like that isn't giving them anything positive.

Kids know.
even from very young.
they will definitely pick up the atmosphere too.

Can you assist her in accessing help?

I think it's fine to see adults merry at a wedding / christening / Xmas etc. by merry I mean happy, dancing, animated, sociable etc.

I remember seeing my parents pissed at my uncles wedding ceilidh when I was about 8/9. No biggie.

But unhappy drunk / arguing / crying / falling over esp in the day or alone - no. Not good to see as a bad example and potentially confusing.

I have tried. She isn't ready or willing. She goes a while without anything and she goes to work, keeps her house clean etc so I don't think she feels it's a real problem.

I think when you're exposed to it very regularly, especially when you live with it, you become hyper aware to the signs - I can smell alcohol on someone from a mile away (especially the so-called "odourless" vodka), and spot the mild slurring/personality exaggerations after very little alcohol consumed.

If that's not your background then occasional exposure is likely to go unnoticed but the pattern will become obvious over time even if the cause doesn't necessarily click.

Yes, alcoholism is damaging to kids, you should limit exposure.

I used to see my relatives drunk, not all the time but at family get togethers. Didn't bother me, us kids just used to roll our eyes. Alcoholism is a different story.

This is exactly how my MIL was, a functioning alcoholic. My MIL was completely in denial that she had an issue as in her mind alcoholics are sat on a park bench! DH and I could tell immediately if she had been drinking. At Christmas and family gatherings we would buy alcohol free wine for her, we never told her this, she thought it was regular wine. Our theory was we were limiting the amount of alcohol consumed. Our 2DC now early 20s aren’t scarred by it, if anything they are aware of the dangers of alcohol. MIL was the eldest of 10, had a really hard childhood, raising the youngest children. All the siblings have had a bad relationship with alcohol but all the children of the 10 have a normal association with drink.

Damaging? no. They probably don’t really like her though.

@Cuppasoupmonster they do like her. My ds in particular is very close with his grandma. When she's drunk she's overly nice to him 'here have this chocolate ds but shhhh don't tell mum' kind of thing. Then if I pull her up on it I'm the bad one.

I don't think it's damaging if it's a one off.

I think you should be honest and tell DS that grandma was a bit silly because she'd had a drink.

Otherwise it is just random weird behaviour which can be frightening.

Have a look at NACOA, stories of the children of alcoholics etc on their website. It does affect families, it gives children the impression being regularly drunk is ok, and it impacts on self esteem.

If this is structural then it absolutely is damaging. It's also damaging to you. You are going to need to set some boundaries - tell your mum calmly and clearly that if you are coming over with the DC, you will expect her to be fully sober. If she is not, you will leave. And do it. You can explain in an age appropriate way to the 11 year old that grandma has an illness. You can't control what she does in terms of drinking, but you can change how you respond to it.

Good luck. #

But they’re not children of an alcoholic, it’s their grandparent. I don’t know how regularly they visit or for how long but my DC visited their gran weekly, she hadn’t always had a drink depending on the time of day we visited. We were honest with our children and they have grown up with respect for alcohol, fully aware of how it can affect a family.

@DeannaFromHumanResources I think NACOA would be appropriate for OP as she is the child of an alcoholic. It's a very informative site and it explains a lot about why you end up feeling the way that you do. That in its own turn will help OP decide what course to take. This isn't just about the DC, it's also about OP's relationship with her mother and the feelings she experiences every time she sees her drunk. It's an awful situation to be in, not easy to manage.

It's not that black and white. Children spending time with any relative with a drinking dependency are inevitably affected by it.
My DC are affected by their dad's alcoholism. They are also affected by their grandparents' drinking. It's naive to think otherwise.

I think because I've dealt with it for so long I am confused about what's acceptable. Is it ok to drink in the mornings because she's not hurting anyone? Is it ok that she chooses to drink everyday because she's an adult and it's her choice? Am I the one in the wrong for getting pissy and snappy with her when she's drunk? Should I just be letting her get on with it?

I find it so hard to tolerate but why? Yes she's annoying and argumentative and repetitive. She slurs and says stupid things but she isn't violent or mean, just sloppy. I can't pinpoint why it causes me to feel this angry and dejected. So I question myself.

I don't know you but these are my suggestions...

No it's not ok to drink in the mornings.

No it's not ok to drink every day.

It's normal to be pissy and snappy when you see someone you love damage their health.

Yes you should leave her to get on with it- there's nothing you can do.

You find it hard to tolerate because she is putting drink before you and her grandchildren. She is damaging her health. Slurring and being silly is ridiculous behaviour. You don't want to see her fucking up, basically.

Yes @bonzaitree I think you've hit the nail on the head. I find it incredibly frustrating that she chooses this way of life instead of doing more productive healthier things. She alienates herself by drinking.

It's so hard isn't it. Trust me I know.

There's nothing you can do except set your own boundaries. So you could say "mum I want to see you but if you're drunk I can't be around you."

Then if she is drunk say you can't stay and leave. Preserves your own MH and your children.

And normal to feel deeply angry about the situation. Because it's shit.