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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel this irritated by my husband?

19 replies

Biscoffmilk · 23/10/2022 13:10

I am wondering if it is menopause - on the early side if it is - but I don’t ever remember feeling this irritated by him.

His driving (I swear he hits every pothole he can on purpose)

The way everything child related is left to me - it doubles my workload because even if he does offer to help (rare) I have to sort everything out for him.

If I put something on to watch there’s always a comment about how crap it is, and OK it probably is and he doesn’t mean it as a dig at me but it’s putting me off watching my own television.

Wanting sex ALL the time, again I’m being unfair as he isn’t a sex pest at all, but I know he’d like to have more sex. The problem is I’m just not attracted to him at the moment. It’s not personal and I haven’t voiced this but it’s so hard feigning sexual interest.

menopause or am I just a bitch

OP posts:

LaPerduta · 23/10/2022 13:14

Nobody can tell you whether it's the menopause (especially since you haven't even said how old you are!) but it sounds like your husband could make an effort to be a bit less annoying and more alluring.

Upsidedownagain · 23/10/2022 13:14

It's never unreasonable to feel irritated. It's a message to yourself. Sounds like things are not going too well between you, when this happens even small things can irritate, but these don't sound like small matters.

Who cares if the menopause is affecting you, there's is something there you need to deal with.

bonzaitree · 23/10/2022 13:16

Sounds like you're shouldering much more household work which is so very deeply unattractive.

Tell him if he wants you to be attracted to him he needs to contribute to the household.

Re the driving- I think you need to let that one go.

AnApparitionQuipped · 23/10/2022 13:16

The way everything child related is left to me - it doubles my workload because even if he does offer to help (rare) I have to sort everything out for him.

You're probably exhausted, no wonder you don't feel like sex.

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 23/10/2022 13:19

You’ve got the ick and now everything he does is annoying and offputting. I’m not sure if it’s possible for the relationship to come back from that.

Bramblejoos · 23/10/2022 13:22

If the children are under 3 then it’s probably easier to do it yourself but if they are over can’t you just do things out of the house so he picks up the slack?

DonnaBanana · 23/10/2022 13:24

Don’t feign interest. He isn’t owed sex. If you’re not feeling in the mood for it don’t have it in exactly the same way he would.

BankseyVest · 23/10/2022 13:26

I'd not want sex with someone who won't parent his own children either (please stop using the word 'help', he shouldn't be 'helping' he should be parenting his own children)

BattenburgDonkey · 23/10/2022 13:29

It sounds more like relationship deterioration than menopause as you aren’t attracted to him and don’t like him… maybe it’s time to discuss it with him and see if you can work on your relationship together?

Sharralanda · 23/10/2022 13:29

Could have wrote this myself except I am not near menopause age, I hope.
Everything is giving me unreasonable rage/ick at the moment.
I walked in from the shop earlier and he had marmalade on his chin, urghhh.
I need a holiday/break.

SmileyClare · 23/10/2022 13:36

You resent him not pulling his weight at home, he sneers at your tv choices (not a huge issue but indicative of his general attitude) so of course you don’t want to get naked with him.

Stop blaming yourself and your hormones.

I often remind my dh that the best foreplay for me is him hoovering, taking the children out, and washing up

Apileofballyhoo · 23/10/2022 14:00

Does he do anything that makes your life easier? I am less tolerant when my oestrogen is low, but mainly it's because I feel so tired and unable to cope because of that. I do feel resentful that when DH is tired I step up whereas when I'm exhausted he doesn't, but I think he is trying more now.

It could be a combination of things.

Elieza · 23/10/2022 14:09

I wouldn’t fancy a lazy, sleazy, guy who was pawing at me for sex either tbh. What are you, a blow up doll for him to use whenever he feels like it!? No you’re a loving breathing human being who deserves better.

Why are you with him? What does he bring to your life so much that you can’t get alone?

I left one of thise types at peri menopause. I feel sooooo much better not dreading bed time or having to make excuses. Or clean up at his arse as the butter was left out or crumbs everywhere and don’t even start me on wet towels. While he sat about watching tv and not noticing all I did to keep the household running.

Tell him the truth. You’ve gone off him and why. If he pulls his weight you might regain some interest. But maybe not.

You only get one life. One. Is this how you want yours to continue for the next decade? No!

Original poster

Biscoffmilk · 23/10/2022 14:11

I hear many of you, like the stepping up when he’s tired but not getting the same consideration in return, everything giving the rage …

I am 42 so menopause possible but unlikely. More likely there is some grumpiness from me but also some unhelpful stuff from him.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 23/10/2022 14:16

Peri-menopause is quite likely, but you're also fed up and resentful and I don't blame you. Who would be attracted to a selfish, lazy man child?

emptythelitterbox · 23/10/2022 14:33

Imagine having to work with someone like him. You'd still be annoyed with his sloth as any age.

SugarSpice2020 · 12/10/2023 02:31

This is a great thread, I’d love to hear more thoughts! I feel a lot of irritation too - wondered if peri-menopausal could be partly to blame (I just turned 42) but Dr didn’t think so from what I described (no tests yet though).

What to do when husband tries, is attractive, but I just don’t feel attracted to him much anymore?! For me it’s a combo of tiredness / unsexy chores / lack of alone time when I’m not tired (we have a 3.5 year old), when we do have ‘dates’ I find his chat boring… the latter & subsequent lack of feeling an intellectual/emotional connection is for me the key driver to loss of attraction. Thus no interest in sex on my part - another problem!

we have discussed how we don’t feel close, & had some indiv & couples therapy. We don’t want to separate for the usual reasons when one has a child. But can a relationship ever get better when two people are, though decent humans are basically just so different? Maybe most marriages end up like this & you just have to fill your empty emotional buckets elsewhere ?!

Basilton · 12/10/2023 02:51

I am honestly sick to death of reading about the menopause, and I am a woman of that age (53). We are making ourselves sound unemployable and now even useless men are not useless, it is just us being menopausal that is the problem apparently. Sick of it.

Millybob · 12/10/2023 03:08

I am honestly sick to death of reading about the menopause, and I am a woman of that age (53). We are making ourselves sound unemployable

Absolutely this! We're pre-menstrual - then hormonal/pregnant - then peri - then menopausal - in other words, if you're female, there's always something wrong with you and you're going nuts. It's bad enough being put down by men, but women are doing this to themselves.

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