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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Keeping contact in laws

11 replies

rmummyofone · 23/10/2022 12:17

Should I keep contact?

I left my abusive husband august 4th this year, he sent me a divorce 18th Sept. we share a 2.5 year old, after the divorce and a lot of discussions with family with how bad the last 3 almost 4 years have been I was advised by my family to report him to the police. I’m in the UK.

I wasn’t aware what I experienced was abuse, and that’s the reason I was who I’ve become, an empty shell with a broken spirit. I do recall posting on here last summer and also anonymously on mumsnet & was made aware a lot of these things aren’t normal but I would often gaslight myself into believing maybe I’m overreacting / these people don’t understand bc they don’t follow my religion.

To put the last 3 years shortly, I was forced to cover my face, I couldn’t work with males at my job unless he approved, I couldn’t control my own finances, he would often criticise me and humiliate me in front of family subtly how he knew it would hurt. He’d use religious scripture to manipulate me into sleeping with him, made revenge porn threats all while cheating on me online multiple times in our marriage. keep in mind he is seen as a religious figure in our community.

In terms of child contact he hasn’t harmed our child in any way directly, and nor has his family. I do believe I’d like to share custody of our son after coming to an appropriate agreement. However since approaching the police they advised not to send the child until things are more clear.

My Q is, though HE has abused me, I miss his family dearly especially his mother. My child’s grandmother, is it appropriate for me to keep contact with his parents? Just parents. Via FaceTime etc.

The police investigation is still underway, he or his family don’t know I have approached the police & won’t until the police arrest him for whatever their charges are (I am not aware of these myself yet)

OP posts:
Berrylina · 23/10/2022 12:28

Sorry you have gone through all this. Please don't contact him and his family. Losing his family is something you have to accept. They will NEVER take your side / protect you. They will always choose him if anything happens. You are NOT their daughter. If he wan't sole custody they would support him and could give evidence against you.

There's also no way I would want to share custody with an abusive partner. Why do you want your child to learn?

rmummyofone · 23/10/2022 12:53

@Berrylina I didn't really want ti but he hasn't harmed the child directly. I believe that some supervised visits are ok so long as they're done at a location I choose and an environment I'm ok with.

OP posts:
TeaAndJaffacakes · 23/10/2022 12:57

It sounds like you need to wait until the police investigation has happened. His mum may stay lovely and supportive towards you or she may turn on you because of the police investigation. Wait for investigation to happen, then once the dust has settled then you can sort out contact with your child’s paternal family and possibly with his father too.
Do consider getting advice specific to your religious/cultural situation - will your child’s paternal grandparents feel they have more rights/responsibility towards your child than you do as the child’s mother? Is there any risk they might try to take your child to a country where fathers/paternal grandparents have all the legal rights to the children in cases of divorce?

Poppyblush · 23/10/2022 13:06

His family enabled the behaviour to you so don’t contact them.

NumericalBlock · 23/10/2022 13:24

I remember your threads an I'm so glad to see that you've left.

Have the police given you a liaison that you could talk to about this? I think you're best waiting for the investigation to complete before going down that route though.

Igmum · 23/10/2022 13:41

Well done for leaving OP and good luck. It's good news that the Police are investigating.

I agree with the PPs that his family are spectacularly unlikely to want to keep in touch with you. I tried to stay in touch with my violent ex's family in the naive days of early separation. They blamed me rather than him for his violence. It's very human. He is their son/brother. They've put up with things all these years - how dare I rock the boat. Over the next few years they lied, threatened, obstructed and played every dirty trick they could.

Don't contact them yet. Wait and see what happens.

rmummyofone · 02/11/2022 17:09

@TeaAndJaffacakes @Poppyblush thank you I agree it's best to stay away for now

@NumericalBlock thank you so much I'm glad I'm out too. Never want to feel like that again ever. I'll probably stay away tbh for the best anyway

@Igmum yes will be keeping away.

OP posts:
JustLyra · 02/11/2022 17:13

Wait and see how they react to what is happening first.

When my ex was a dick his mum approached me months later to say she felt her son was a dick and she desperately missed her grandchildren. She asked if she could organise seeing them through me. She now (19 years later) has a wonderful relationship with my girls, and she and I actually get on really well. Neither she nor my daughters have a relationship with her son any longer.

rmummyofone · 02/11/2022 18:02

@JustLyra that's so sweet. My ex mil would rather die than cut her son off even if her son was 100% wrong. I'm glad to hear you got that relationship with her and your girls

OP posts:
JustLyra · 03/11/2022 08:42

rmummyofone · 02/11/2022 18:02

@JustLyra that's so sweet. My ex mil would rather die than cut her son off even if her son was 100% wrong. I'm glad to hear you got that relationship with her and your girls

If that’s the case then be very careful trying to cultivate a relationship with her.

My ex-MIL’s priority was the girls. Once she witnessed how poorly her son treated them that was it for her - allegiance switched to them completely.

Don’t allow your mil to become a flying monkey for her son.

rmummyofone · 03/11/2022 14:09

Thank you @JustLyra Flowers

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