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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my brother is being controlled by his new girlfriend

12 replies

Lovelycupofcoffee · 23/10/2022 09:20

So long story short my brother moved in with his new girlfriend about 3 years ago . We no longer see him . They have just come back from holiday where he had a really nasty fall and his arm is now in a full plaster cast. I wanted to go and see him yesterday but was told “ she’s not up to seeing anyone “ . He also didn’t go to my cousins funeral which isn’t like him again . He never goes to see my mum anymore and I’m really worried. I know he’s a grown man but it does feel like she’s cutting him off from family . I think the last time I saw him was July and he just seemed very down. Also you can never get hold of him in the evenings as she apparently has a thing about taking calls in the evening ? I feel like just going down there and checking he’s ok

OP posts:

Motnight · 23/10/2022 09:25

What happens if you text him, Op?

It's a well established relationship if it's been at least 3 years.

It does sound worrying.

Lindy2 · 23/10/2022 09:28

Does he work? Could you call him at his work place and meet him for lunch?

Does she work? Is there a time you can call him when she will be out?

I think going to see him, sounds a good idea - preferably when she won't be there so he can talk without her hearing what you talk about.

AutumnScream · 23/10/2022 09:28

After 3 years she isnt a new girlfriend which makes it harder for him if she is controlling.

I would be worried if this was my brother as well but im not sure what you could do to help, im sorry.

Original poster

Lovelycupofcoffee · 23/10/2022 09:34

So I usually hear from him in the mornings as I message him on my way to work and he does reply . I tried being friendly with her but she made it quite clear she wasn’t bothered really. If you try to get hold of him in the evening no joy . It’s just very sad that he doesn’t see my mum anymore as she really doesn’t understand why and I can see she’s really upset as well. I spoke to him yesterday and asked if I could pop down but that’s when I got the shed not up to seeing anyone .

OP posts:

Original poster

Lovelycupofcoffee · 23/10/2022 09:34

Sorry she’s not shed

OP posts:

PinkSyCo · 23/10/2022 09:40

I’d be very worried too OP and would definitely go round to check that he’s ok.

smileandsing · 23/10/2022 09:50

He's the one with the broken arm, but she's 'not up to seeing anyone'?! She could always go for a lie down or something.
It looks like something is going on, especially if you were all reasonably close before. Maybe see if you can take a couple of hours off work to go and see him when you know she's not there. Concern for him following his injury is a good excuse. Don't tell him you're planning to because if she is controlling he will likely tell her as he'll feel guilty if he doesn't, and she'll find a way to put a stop to it. You can always call him 5 mins before you arrive. Make sure you and your mum keep trying to maintain contact with him. It's east to give up, but controlling people will try to cut other close people out of their target's life.

Original poster

Lovelycupofcoffee · 23/10/2022 09:55

He’s just seems to go from one bad relationship to another but won’t talk to me as I’ve tried before but he feels silly and thinks I will judge him . I’m the last person to judge anyone and just want to help . I have to go out in a bit but will come home that way . Not really concerned if she doesn’t welcome the visit as I’m not going to see her

OP posts:

ScarlettSunset · 23/10/2022 10:12

It's difficult to know. Is he working? Talking to other people generally?

There is the possibility that he doesn't want to see people or visit people himself and is using his girlfriend as a bit of an excuse.

And of course, there is the possibility that she IS being controlling, but he will need to be the one to realise this before he can decide if he wants to leave. It's horrible thinking someone might be in trouble but feeling helpless, but as long as you make sure you're there, then if that is the case, he may turn to you for help when he's ready.

ImGood · 23/10/2022 10:15

I think if he has broken his arm you have a good reason to call round and see how he is, whether she likes it or not. You can just be friendly and ask if there’s anything you can do.

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 23/10/2022 10:15

Sounds very suspect @Lovelycupofcoffee As pps have said, try going around to see him without warning. Could be a coercive controlling relationship. Also baffled by SHE is not up to seeing anyone, when you want to see HIM?

Is she older than him?

piffle123 · 23/10/2022 13:18

A similar thing happened to my brother but sadly he married this woman and had children with her.

They met at university and as soon as they graduated he moved 300 miles away to live with her.
Very quickly he dropped his old friends, interests and eventually that spread to our family. We'd always been close but was lucky if I saw him twice a year and DM was heartbroken. His whole life revolved around what she wanted.

I knew for many years things weren't right; there was always an excuse why we didn't see them more regularly and she came across as very controlling on those few occasions. Even worse when she'd had a drink; she'd belittle him in front of us and DB would barely say a word.

Fortunately it wasn't physical but was extremely abusive emotionally and when he eventually left after 20 years of marriage he was a shell of a man and is still having trauma therapy.
Thankfully he has full time custody of his children.

I really wrestle with whether I could have done more or said more but didn't want to risk alienating him or giving his wife any additional ammo to cut us off.
All I could was be at the end of the phone and eventually he reached the point when he'd had enough

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