Wits end with flakey mil

[alwaysfrazzled]

I have a three month old baby. Mil has saw her less than a hand full of times.
I'm on mat leave but I hate being cooped up and I'm always out and about.
She will always text on some random day are you in today? I say I have some things to do but let me know what time you are thinking and she will either arrange a time then cancel or just say another day.
I hate being stuck in waiting on her, half the day will go by then she will cancel last minute with some excuse.
She will not commit to a day and a time and just expects me to be home all day, so she can swing by on her conditions only.

Yesterday was the same. Dh told her to give us a time and we will be home. She arranged for 1pm. I got dh to call her at 12.30 to make sure she was still coming and she cancelled with some pathetic excuse....and said she would swing by tomorrow at some point.
I am sick of this and I feel like I'm on tender hooks for her to just randomly pop in one day. I hate people who just pop in...I have anxiety at the minute which doesn't help.

One day she called to say she was outside the house and asked where we were. We were out a walk with the baby.
We can't visit her as she has a huge dog which isn't trained and he jumps all over the place and it would be a nightmare with the baby trying to keep her away from him.

Aibu to tell her she needs to gives notice and a time when she wants to visit? I don't want to feel like I'm stopping her seeing her grand daughter but this style of arranging things really ramps up my anxiety and has me on edge.

YANBU. DH needs to be firm with her and tell this is unacceptable. She sees your time as less important than hers and that is spectacularly rude.

I think you should make your plans and go out, regardless of her planned visits.

Let her see how rude it is not to stick to plans.

Just point out every time “waited in for you why didn’t you show up, thats been a waste of my day’
if says she’ll drop in sometime tell her you won’t be waiting in all day, you need a time as you have things to be getting on with..

to some her behaviour will be totally normal and they don’t mind hanging about - you do need to point out you don’t operate like that.

Don’t pander to her. Just say you’ll be in from eg 10 until 1 and then if she turns up, fine. Don’t ask her for a time, tell her. If she wants to see you, she’ll be there. Just be really clear and give her plenty of opportunities but on your timetable. If she says “I’ll swing by tomorrow”, just say “we’ll be in from x until y tomorrow” (even if you’re planning to be in all day).

Stop feeling anxious about it, the problem is hers. If she doesn't turn up as pp suggested make a point of sending a message saying 'sorry you couldn't make it, I have to go out now' and leave her to it.

Tell her what time you'll be in and if she arrives, great!

Don’t put your life on hold for her.
If she tells you she’s coming around, carry on with your plans.

a few wasted trips for her should get her to start being a bit more organised.

I think my anxiety is more her randomly turning up at the door one day because she has decided to swing by. I hate this!

I like to make sure I'm dressed properly, have showered, house in decent order. I know she's not there to judge but it's who I am and it makes me uncomfortable if I don't have set plans.
I know other people don't mind people who pop in but I really do.

Just tell her we’ll be in from x-x (a time you’ll be in anyway) so if you’re free then great. Then anytime she suggests another time say sorry we’ll be out/busy then and reiterate but feel free to pop round between x-x.

Maybe suggest she pops by later in the day? Ie after 4 or 5. Then you will less likely to be out and also have had a chance to shower / go out etc.

@caoixr yeah see that would work for me but I know she wouldn't go for that but I will suggest it anyway

Not unreasonable!

She needs managing.

Stop waiting around on her.

Agree a time to meet up.

Explain you have a busy schedule and let her know you're pleased for her and baby to have time together.

She doesn't turn up, you go out when you'd planned to.

Say no when she just turns up. As youve explained, you have a busy schedule.

As a granny this is terrible etiquette. I've been told so many times im always welcome at both my DS's and DD's houses and yet I still always send a quick text to check it's convenient. I would never just drop by or expect them to wait in for me.

She does sound like she needs firmly telling what you expect from her.

I would tell her this. Exactly as you have told us.
Make it very clear that you would love to see her but her sloppy timekeeping does not work for you.

First off stop answering the door to her if she turns up.

Make no arrangements to see her without her son there.

Let HIM deal with her flakiness.

She is extremely rude.

Stop tolerating and facilitating it.

It doesn't sound like she will be an involved grandmother so prepare yourself for that.

Stop allowing her to control your time.

Definitely stop answering the door to her.

Tell her you’ll be in and then go out.

😂 this!