To just want someone to talk to?

[Monkeytrousers04]

Who do you talk to about stuff? Life? Love? Problems? etc.

I feel like I have no one I can really talk to about anything over and above small talk/ day to day things.

I’m going through some stuff at the moment and have realised that I can’t talk to anyone about it so I’m just plodding along on my own, hoping it’ll all come right in the end…

I have two sisters but I’m the oldest so I don’t ever feel like I can let my guard down with them - they come to me with their problems and I will always help them, but I just don’t feel comfortable going to them for help.

I have one close friend but she has just had baby #2 and lives about 45 mins away. When we meet up its usually with the kids and I feel like she is so in need of a break that I don’t want to burden her with my issues.

I have one other friend but her husband is friends with my DP so I can hardly talk about the worries/ concerns I’ve got about my relationship as that would put her in an awkward position.

I can’t really afford counselling at the moment so what can I do?!

I have mum friends I speak to in the playground but don’t really socialise with them that much.

In the past I’ve always had someone at work that I’m really close with (this is how I met my friend with baby #2) but I started a new job in lockdown and it’s 100% home-based so no scope to meet anyone there.

I’m not an unsociable person and have had some absolutely amazing friendships in the past, when I was a student/ in my 20s where we would stay up all night putting the world to rights, etc. but we’ve all grown apart now and I think I really miss that connection with someone.

Any other suggestions of what I can do?

Would it help to talk to us on here?

What's been troubling you?

Why do you feel like you can’t talk to your sisters just because they’re younger than you?

my brother is younger than me yet we talk about everything, I also have my mum, dad, wide circle of friends - your problem seems to be not being willing to speak to your circle, not a lack of people to talk to.

Talk to your sisters. Give them a chance to help. They might surprise you.

Oldest sisters always seem to have this problem, they can't bring themselves to confess to the slightest weakness. Maybe it had to be like that when you were young and wrangling siblings in the house. It doesn't need to be now though as adults.

Aww, thanks for your responses. It’s more the lack of time really to speak to anyone as I’ve got so much I need to discuss/ break down/ figure out/ off load after years of basically not doing it. It’d take more than just one catch up and I think people would just get bored and stop inviting me out to save themselves. I wish I could afford to just pay someone who is then obliged to listen rather than expecting someone to do it voluntarily.

My family have never really been talkers and rarely express emotions towards one another. I know we all love each other dearly and we always hug when we leave but that’s about it. I remember hearing someone on the phone to their mum once and they signed off with “love you”. This would never happen with us. Not because we don’t feel it, just because we don’t say it.

I just wouldn’t know how to even start a conversation with my mum about this stuff. She went through some stuff with my dad when we were younger but she stayed with him (& to be fair they’ve actually always seemed happier) but the fact that I’m contemplating breaking my family up I think would floor her. And my sisters. And I don’t think they could be impartial enough. I think my mum would think I’m failing in my duty as a mum to stay with their dad no matter what. She’s quite traditional in that way.

I‘’m guessing that most people do have a best friend or family member that they confide in and that somewhere along the way I’ve not managed to hold on to mine… but then this is part of the problem… I’ve lost so much striving to keep my relationship together for the sake of my children - time to maintain a friendship is clearly another thing I can chalk up.

But I do appreciate the responses. I’ve posted here before about my relationship and the overwhelming advice was to sort it out as it is most likely affecting my children in more ways than I know. I had a plan but it all went to shit thanks to the bloody mini-budget so I’m back at the start again trying to work out my next move. I’ll get there. Thank you.

Mumsnet. Anonymously with various name changes so I don't look entirely pathetic. I'm in the same boat, OP. Incredibly difficult 💐

You can talk to me! I've been there, it's rubbish feeling alone. You can always message me on here😊

I suspect all of us are in the same boat, like you my my family sounds the same, I have almost the identical issue in terms of wanting to break the family, but not being able to for various reasons.

I find mumsnet helps massively but I also write everything down, I open draft emails on a private google account, I write almost daily how I'm feeling and then read and delete.

I did some online chat counciling thing a while ago, that was helpful I used that for about 6 months and offloaded to her, she was from the US I wish I could remember the website name.

I would also take any offers of private chats in here as over the years I've had other friends and chats that have helped massively xx

I am not sure what type of job you have but I'm in HR and lots of companies have an employee programme which is a free helpline run by counsellors, have a look at your benefits package and see if your company has one, or just drop HR a line, I've referred a huge amount of people for face to face counselling and it's nearly always free. If not the case, there's often community groups run, I see a poster for one in my area called something like 'time to talk' or
similar. But I also agree with the above posters, try your sisters! I have a very similar relationship with my sister and recently she told me it always seems like I'm a coper and never need to talk which of course isn't the truth it's just the image I must put over! Good luck!

Thank you again everyone and the HR thing is a really good suggestion. I will log on in a sec and see what they can offer. I’ve also been thinking about all these lovely offers of chatting/ messaging on here… its made me realise what a huge mess I’m really in as I’m sat here thinking “they don’t want to hear my shit, I’m not worth their time”. I must be worth something to someone though right?! Besides my kids that is… its our anniversary today. DP has taken the kids to his mums so I can unpack all the winter clothes and put the spring/ summer ones away. Neither of us has said a word about what day it is. I doubt he even realises.

A lot of people keep quiet about their marriages even though they blab about every thing else, I think. Out of loyalty, if they're still in the relationship. Then when they finally end it, it all comes shockingly out. Trust your own judgement, OP.

Placemarking as I feel exactly the same OP. The problem I think is that unless you are actually going to end the relationship it’s very difficult to confide in family and friends - partly because it feels disloyal to your Dh and you know deep down that if you’re going to stay together it’s not really a good idea to go around slagging him off to everyone and partly because as you say yourself it’s difficult to really offload and not feel like you’re being a moaning minnie! I have a group of close friends I’ve known for years but none of us really confide about our relationships - I think we all probably endure quite a lot of stuff we don’t talk about though and the one friend who did get divorced seemed to have a great relationship before the shit hit the fan - as a pp said it’s usually only after the split that everything comes out.

It’s hard I know, sometimes you just really feel the need to have a good heart to heart with someone but there’s no one who fits that requirement!

Chat here. That’s just MN for. I don’t think talking with your mum and sisters will help anyway. You are probably quite reserved that’s why your sisters are talking to you but if they are talkers they might spill something out in inappropriate moment.
I don’t think I’ve got someone to talk about such personal stuff. I would never talk to my Mum or my sister. I have friends for chat/ coffee/ walk but not for a talk about marriage problems. I suspect it’s not uncommon. You need a really close friend for this, who knows you and whom you trust.

I'm a younger sister, and in the kindest way, you need to get over yourself and start sharing with your sisters. It was only when my older sisters started to let me in and shared their fears and worries that we became really good friends. I stopped trusting them with personal information because of the one way street. Now I share with them because they share with me.

How are you today OP?

I’m feeling OK to be honest. I’ve had a busy day at work which always helps distract me (not healthy, I know) but I love my job and it makes me feel worthwhile.

I definitely agree with @Twawmyarse about not wanting to moan about DP to friends/ family only for things to work out and them to think less of me for sticking with him or be annoyed at me for wasting all their time listening to me when I just stuck with it anyway.

I also got myself registered with the employee assistance thing at work and am on a waiting list for a phone call with a counsellor.

I’ve also got myself an appt at the doctors because one thing at the back of mind is that maybe there is something perimenopausal about all this and that maybe I need to rule that out before making any life altering decisions.

I mean I do think that what I’m feeling is real and not just hormones but I’ve had a lot of brain fog recently, which leaves me really frustrated and unable to express what I need to say so it all comes out wrong and then DP and I argue. I don’t want to argue. I want to have a proper grown up conversation about how I’m feeling.

Thank you all for caring though. I’m so glad I posted.

Hi, I'm a bit lonely recently after GF split.
I you feel the need to chat im all ears. Im an honest open minded guy, ask me anything or just say how your feeling, we don't know each other but feel free to chat anytime x