Not bothering to visit family, am I rude?

[PistachioGreenn]

I have a cousin who lives in Rome, think they have lived there approximately 8/9 years. Any time they come back home they have never made the effort to see me.

Appreciate effort goes both ways but they don’t even say “hi I’m coming back for a week in June are you free for a coffee?”. So it’s not like I know they are even here. Their immediate family live close to me too so we’re in the same city when they do come back and visit:

I went to Rome a few weeks ago with my partner (neither of us have ever been) and I didn’t tell my cousin as I don’t feel we are close anymore and we had things planned for the days we were there. However now I’m getting word back from family members that it was rude for me to visit and not see her.

Aibu? She’s visited home countless times and never once asked to see me. I’m not sure how me doing the same is any different?

(Again appreciate she wouldnt be able to ask every time she came back as she has her immediate family and old friends to see but she’s never once asked me)

Nope doesn’t sound rude.
peope can be weird in families and expect you to be close just because you’re family

I was going to vote YABU for expecting your cousin to visit you in what might be a short holiday until I got to the part where you did the same back and family members commented on you being rude because of it. You weren't IMO. And if they think you are, that means your cousin is too.

I would expect her to have made time to see me in the 9 years she’s been back and visited. Obviously not every time, but once yes - for a coffee, brunch, etc

If I lived in another country it wouldn't occur to me to visit my cousins. My immediate family, yes, but in a short window of time I'd prioritise seeing my immediate family and my friends first and probably wouldn't have time to visit my cousins with everything else going on.

It of course depends on the type of relationship you have and how close you are/were. I saw my cousin for the first time in 14 years last year - at a funeral. I don't expect to see them again in the next 14 (unless there is a similar circumstance).

These things go both ways. Your cousin had showed you she wasn't interested in a relationship with you.

You're clearly not close so why would you spend your limited holiday days with somebody you hardly know?

You’re looking at this by comparing it to your relationship with your cousin. Me and my cousin grew up together, would hang out as friends. We had a good relationship.

She moved away and we would still speak. I thought we were still close. Obviously I was wrong. She decided to not make effort to see me.

But apparently it’s more rude for me to visit her city and not see her.

Well... of course I did Up until your post I'm replying to right now you didn't mention how close you were, I was just replying in a general way.

Anyway I'm not responding any more as you seem to be hurt and coming across as hostile by it, so I hope it gets sorted out soon.

If I lived in another country it wouldn't occur to me to visit my cousins. My immediate family, yes, but in a short window of time I'd prioritise seeing my immediate family and my friends first and probably wouldn't have time to visit my cousins with everything else going on.

I do live in a different (and very distant) country to all my family and do make a point of trying to see the cousins I like when we're home. Many of them have been here - some visit, some don't. I know people will have all sorts of priorities when visiting a foreign country and I'm not always going to be the top of the list; I don't take it personally.

I hate the bullshit some go in for where you're in their city for two or three days and you're told they'll be mortally offended if you don't take at least half a day out to spend it with them.

You’re very much reacting and trying to derail by saying I’m being “hostile” when I’m doing nothing of the sort.

It was pointless of you to compare this to your relationship with your cousin. I therefore merely updated the thread on my relationship with my cousin and this apparently makes me hostile.

I think it's different. When she comes here she has a lot of people to see. They should be helping by inviting you across while she's here. I don't get to see people I'd love to catch up with because DM monopolises my time and makes it impossible to get away to see extended family and old friends.

On the other hand, she could have shown you Rome, and given an extra local something to your trip.

She’s visited home countless times and never once asked to see me. I’m not sure how me doing the same is any different?

This needs to be your response back to family.

Am quite surprised by the vote so far.

When folk who have emigrated come home, it is generally for a limited amount of time. They won't be able to see everyone. Though if you are as close as you said in your 2nd post, I don't understand on the family WhatsApp and / or your regular facetimes or phone calls or chats in whatever form, you've not said, in conversation "When are you home next? I'd love to see you." ie Put some effort into maintaining this special relationship.

However, when you went to Rome, there would have been no pressure on her time to be splitting herself 17 different ways and would have been an ideal time to catch up. When you are close, it is easy to just pick up and carry on even if you haven't seen someone for a while.

If I had someone I knew in a City I wanted to visit, I'd have been messaging them for advice on where to stay / how to get about the City / tips about the airport / places to visit / places to eat etc. before I went.
I agree with your family. It is odd to not visit her when you were there.

However now I’m getting word back from family members that it was rude for me to visit and not see her.

What family members - her parents, siblings, grandparents?

Presumably your cousin herself didn't complain?

If they say anything to you directly, just say what you've said here.

She’s lived away for 9 years and has visited numerous times. And in all that time she’s never once asked to see me. So yes I stopped making effort to keep in touch.

I don’t need to ask for help on where to go in a very famous and well known city. There’s so much information out there and I had an amazing time with my partner.

I don’t need to make time in my holiday to see someone who’s made zero effort with me.

If she hasn't been in touch for nearly a decade I think it's safe to say you don't need to contact her on your holiday.

I imagine the family members commenting aren't aware of this. Don't let it bother you.

Next time there's a comment just reply with "oh that's right, x lives in Rome doesn't she, I haven't heard from her in nearly a decade otherwise I'd have got in touch. I hope she's well."

So point out to these people the hypocrisy of the situation??

YANBU, although I’m still getting it in the neck from my parents for not visiting my 93-year-old aunt when I spent 3 hours in Derry last year 😂

I’ve lived in London 8 years and my cousins here only make the effort to meet up approx every 2-3 years despite living down the road - last time I saw them at a funeral in Feb. My uncle regularly comes over from Ireland on work trips and I’ve not seen him either. Life’s too short to worry about it and you had a nice time in Rome, so I wouldn’t worry!

I have loads of cousins. When I used to come back home I would make an effort to see my best friend cousin that I grew up with, one on one. Another family, we'd do a group catch up with my siblings and all the girls in that family. Others, I didn't see at all. It totally depends on the relationship and how much effort they would go to for me as well - I'll be damned if I'm going to run around catching up with people who make no effort to see me.

Several of the ones who didn't make an effort on my trips back visited London when I lived there and didn't ask to see me, quite frankly I was relieved as I couldn't be arsed making the effort for them.

Now that I have moved back there are quite a few that if we see each other at funerals or by chance at other events we both do the obligatory "we must catch up again soon" and neither of us ever make the effort to. It's just polite to pretend, isn't it??!! 😬

YANBU. I wouldn’t be using precious holiday time to exchange platitudes with someone who hasn’t bothered to let me know in the past 9 years that they are coming to visit home town.