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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I tell my son I'm in hospital

30 replies

Unglamorousgranny · 22/10/2022 07:31

This is a bit of a long one so apologies in advance. My 24 year old son is in the 2nd week of his RAF phase 1 training. He seems to be loving it & is very focused. Just been given the Deputy Senior New Recruit position & the corporals are very pleased with him. If he gets some time this weekend he wants to video call with me, my daughter & husband. All good so far.
Unfortunately I'm in hospital & haven't told him. I didn't want to worry him with a problem he can't do anything about and im not dying so it seemed pointless potentially diverting his attention from Raf. I've had cellulitis twice before over the last 6 years so it's not a regular thing. He's used to it & how long it takes me to recover. I developed it again this week & for the first time with cellulitis I've had to be hospitalised. I feel a lot better in myself. My blood tests showed no sepsis, heart ok & no blood clots in my leg. Its just a case now of staying in a few days until they're happy that I'm responding well to the intravenous antibiotics.
Would you come clean to him, potentially cause worry for nothing & join in the video call
Leave my camera off & say there's a problem with my phone & I'm not at home
Say I can't make the call as I'll be out for a meal with friends. This is a terrible thing to do & I just could not bring myself to do this
How could I lie & miss his first video call, awful
I just don't know what to do. While we can't protect him from what's going on in the outside world I don't want to cause him unnecessary worry .
I didn't like lying to him but he'll understand why I've said nothing about this. Maybe he should just suck it up. I've had it before & I'm not dying. I can't imagine him breaking down in tears over it. A few years ago he passed the PRMC for the marines with a B just because he kept his head down & ploughed on, so he's obviously tougher than I give him credit for. But boys worry about their mums whatever age they are!
Sorry for rambling on! Hopefully someone will tell me the best thing to do

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 22/10/2022 07:33

You're not in any danger so why wouldn't you tell him the truth? Seems a mountain out of a molehill to me.

YetAnotherWalk · 22/10/2022 07:35

Just tell him, I'm sure he would be fine especially as you're doing well.

HarlanPepper · 22/10/2022 07:35

No-one wants to hear that their parent is in hospital but in this case, he will know it's something you've dealt with before, you're getting better and responding to antibiotics, so I think you should tell him and emphasise that you're getting better. If he finds out afterwards somehow, he could be upset that you kept him in the dark.

Bumblebee413 · 22/10/2022 07:37

Be honest with him. My Mum has hidden medical conditions from me before so as not to worry me. I now don't trust her to tell me things and it makes me more anxious about her health and her own responsibility for looking after herself. It comes from a good place but it really, really hurts when you are the one kept in the dark and you wonder what else is being kept from you.

Mindymomo · 22/10/2022 07:37

My adult sons would want to know, as long as you reassure you are fine and recovering.

WiseUpJanetWeiss · 22/10/2022 07:38

Yeah I'd tell the truth in an upbeat "Guess where your mum is again haha" and something jokey about the hospital food.

If it's quite clear you're on the mend and chipper, and all "never mind about me, tell me about all the amazing stuff you're doing", he'll be reassured. Maybe put on daytime clothes (even over your PJs) to further the "nothing to see here" message.

Hope you get well and home very quickly.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 22/10/2022 07:38

Tell him the truth.
He’s an adult and as you go into adulthood it’s unavoidable that you experience I’ll heath and death in your family. I think it’s best to work together to try to support each other through those experiences than avoid or lie about them.

my parents have lied to me multiple times about their health and I’ll mental health and each time I feel angry and disappointed. I’d rather just know.

lifeinmidthirties · 22/10/2022 07:39

Yes tell him op.
I'd want to know if it was my mum.
Be nice for you to see him as well.
Get well soon Flowers

notdaddycool · 22/10/2022 07:39

You’ve overcome this condition before, tell him or you’ll end up in a web of lies.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 22/10/2022 07:39

Bumblebee413 · 22/10/2022 07:37

Be honest with him. My Mum has hidden medical conditions from me before so as not to worry me. I now don't trust her to tell me things and it makes me more anxious about her health and her own responsibility for looking after herself. It comes from a good place but it really, really hurts when you are the one kept in the dark and you wonder what else is being kept from you.

This^^
yea this is what I get now. I just don’t believe them or feel I have to question to find out the truth about anything medical going on with them. Worse than just being honest.

AllotmentTime · 22/10/2022 07:40

Just tell him.
I worry loads more because my mum does this to me and because I grew up seeing her do that to her own mother. Means I can’t trust her to tell me if something which actually is or might be serious is happening.

PrettyMuchBollocks · 22/10/2022 07:40

Just take the call and tell him why you’re there. It’s literally just so you can have IV antibiotics, not because you are on your death bed. I’m sure he will cope with that just fine.

AgentJohnson · 22/10/2022 07:40

I totally understand where you are coming from but tell him the truth and explain why you weren’t honest to begin with. Don’t set a precedent where he starts to doubt your honesty.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

MuggleMe · 22/10/2022 07:40

Just tell him. I'm sure he'll take it in his stride.

Darbs76 · 22/10/2022 07:41

absolutely tell him the truth. I don’t see the point in hiding it from him, he’s a grown up, he can see you’re ok if you’re on video.

UmbilicusProfundus · 22/10/2022 07:42

As per PP you are making a mountain out of a molehill. No need for drama. As your not ill ill, I really don’t see the issue. Hope you get better soon!

Original poster
Unglamorousgranny · 22/10/2022 07:48

@RedHelenB Your waspish comment was unnecessary & unhelpful, so I will ignore.

To everyone else thank you for taking your time to read & reply. You've been a great help, I'll message him first then join in the call. And make myself presentable 🙂 x

OP posts:
Fuckallthetories · 22/10/2022 07:59

Sorry your unwell Flowers and well done to ds

i think I’d phone him and go like this:
you: hi ds! How’s raf?
ds: yeh mum it’s going great how are you?
you: well I’ve got a spot of cellulitis but it’s nothing to worry about, just the same as before. (Don’t mention being in hospital, I’ve found that that makes everyone assumes it’s very very serious)
ds: oh sorry to hear that mum, feel better soon. (If he mentions coming home to see you you say…)
you: oh no sweetheart, I’m all right, just back on the antibiotics!! Focus on raf, your corporals say your doing great!
ds: bangs on about raf a bit
you: bye darling! Love you! See you ___
ds: bye mum!

<hang up>

hope this helps a little

Original poster
Unglamorousgranny · 22/10/2022 08:06

@Fuckallthetories I wish I could do that lol but he wants a video call. Maybe he wants to show us around. I've also got a bit of an amusing tale about my hospital stay that I wanted to tell him when he comes home on leave, I would've fessed up once I was better.

I also see it from the perspective now of pp whose parents have lied about their health to save worry & fuss. I'll remember it when I'm old & frail not to do it to my own kids x

OP posts:
Toddlerteaplease · 22/10/2022 08:26

RedHelenB · 22/10/2022 07:33

You're not in any danger so why wouldn't you tell him the truth? Seems a mountain out of a molehill to me.

Absolutely this. If you lie to him, me might think it's more serious. I'd be furious if my parent kept something like that from me.

Munches · 22/10/2022 08:28

I would tell . Definitely. Get well soon 💕

SNWannabe · 22/10/2022 08:32

Do you need to message first? Just answer the call and explain then? That way he can see you immediately and know you’re okay- but with the message there is the initial panic as you read it and then you can’t see the person so can’t gauge how unwell they sound or look.
Just join the call and don’t message if that’s possible.

MrsMo21 · 22/10/2022 08:32

Tell him.

My mum keeps what I deem really important stuff from me (I’m 31 with two children of my own btw so not a teenager) under the guise of not wanting to worry me and I find it incredibly irritating. It makes me feel like she thinks I’m a child incapable of managing my own feelings and behaviour.

Your son sounds a really determined and accomplished young man, give him the credit he deserves and tell him.

ElectedOnThursday · 22/10/2022 08:33

Be honest with him. And I really hope you feel better soon, cellulitis is awful.

GyozaGuiting · 22/10/2022 08:35

I was in the RAF Op and if he is a bit upset, the welfare staff will support him. I used to be a welfare officer and the pastoral care in the RAF is now excellent.
Sounds like he’s doing really well in his training! If he’s passed for the marines he’ll be standing out in phase one RAF ☺️