To ask for advice - frustrating family situation on holiday

[FourForYouGlenCocoYouGoGlenCoco]

On holiday atm with DP, and both sets of parents. All enjoying it and all going well so far, except I’ve felt a bit down after a few conversations I’ve had with my mum while here.

I feel a bit shit after talking with her, mostly because it seems as if she’s either telling me what to do and how to do things, or basically telling me off when I have an opinion about something. This last bit is especially strange, as she’s never been like that before - normally, if I disagree with her abojt something, it’ll be okay, but this time, she seems to be particularly annoyed about it. It’s so weird. To give an example, we all went for a walk earlier, and the two of us were talking together, ahead of the rest of the group. It started to rain, and she was suggesting I put my coat on as it was raining (I was just carrying it with me). She seemed really insistent, and I know she’s just looking out for me, but she just kept on going on and on, asking me to put my coat on. I eventually just said, I’ll put my coat on when I’m ready, and asked her why it mattered that I didn’t have my coat on (politely, not in a sarky or aggressive way). She didn’t reply.

We then had dinner this evening, and when it was just me and her, she sort of motioned towards my stomach, and said ‘what are you doing about that? Better do something about that.’ She wasn’t being nasty - she often speaks in quite a matter of fact, practical way, but it upset me. I’m not overweight, but I do carry most of my weight around my middle. I exercise quite a lot - gym and swimming a few times a week - and really try to eat healthily (DP is veggie and gluten free, and we both enjoy cooking and eating healthily, so we mainly eat veg based meals, which I think is quite healthy). She then started to tell me I needed to exercise my stomach, and my upper arms if I wanted to avoid bingo wings. She lost a lot of weight last year, and I think she wants to ‘preach’ a bit about it, but it upset me that she was singling out a bit of my appearance I’m not really comfortable with.

Later on, I was telling her how frustrated I was with what’s happening in the government, and all the political and economic stability it’s causing. DP and I both work in the NHS, and both quite disillusioned and ground down by it all. We’re also trying to buy a place together atm, and of course all the economic instability and mortgage rate increases is stressful. My mum can be sympathetic, but when I talked to her about my frustration with it this evening (I just wanted to vent really), she just asked me what I thought I should do about it, and told me to ‘stop philosophising’. She js very practical and solution focused, but I just wanted her to give me a bit of comfort at that moment and say something kind.

Just asking do advice on how I can stop some of my mum’s comments getting to me. Normally it’s not really a problem (she is normally calmer and kinder than tbis), but it all really just got to me this evening.

I felt close to tears earlier when I was with her, but didn’t want to cry in front of her, as I thought it might lead to an argument between us, so I just went to bed. It then just got to me a bit and i cried in my room. DP is working late this eve so not around - we had a phone call earlier, which was really nice, but he won’t be around till tomorrow.

Sounds like your mum is stressed and is taking it out on you. Maybe she’s finding it a bit overwhelming with all the other people around? Is she socially awkward? Does she feel embarrassed that you’re not doing what she’s telling you to in front of others?

or is she always someone who knows best and it’s amplified cause you’re all staying together?

why isn’t your DP around until tomorrow if he’s in holiday with you? Where are the other set of parents in this? Your dad? I don’t get how your mum is having free reign to say all this in front of everyone?

Thanks Tread, I think you’re spot on. I think it’s that she’s stressed and taking it out on me, and also that she feels she knows best, and it’s amplified because we’re on holiday together, in close quarters. I don’t think she’s socially awkward - she’s very friendly and lovely with people, and we’ve had these sort of holidays before, so she knows everyone were on holiday with very well and is comfortable with them. In terms of telling me what to do, she only does it when it’s me and her on our own, so she doesn’t make an example out of me or show me up or anything - it’s more that I find her behaviour becomes very close to nagging, as it’s so relentless and it’s about very minor things (eg asking me to put on my coat).

My mum only says it when it’s me and her together, out of earshot out of everyone else. She does it discreetly, if that makes sense. DP had a client meeting thing today for his job that he couldn’t get out of, but he’s coming tomorrow.

He had a client meeting in his job for the NHS? Who was the client?

My DM can get like this when she's stressed, we call it sharing her anxiety and tell her we're alright for the minute maybe later!
She gets nitpicky and impatient with lack of action when normally she is kind and supportive.
She is a very practical and proactive person herself so I know her normal supportive murmuring takes effort.
The trick for my siblings and I when we realise she's in that mood is to tease her about treating her adult children like their still in primary, avoid all talk of anything your sensitive about and if that doesn't work throw someone else under the bus as soon as possible.
Do your best to avoid being alone with her for the rest of the trip, she could be stressed about anything not necessarily the holiday, but to avoid you getting stressed too don't give her the opportunity to share.

Just curious - why wouldn't you put a coat on when it rains?

I was wondering that. Why carry your coat, then not put it on when the rain starts

Sorry you seem to be getting some stupid replies, OP. What you're going through sounds very upsetting and disappointing. No-one knows why loving parents can be so critical and unsupportive, it seems to be a habit people get into and it must feel to them as if they are helping you by pointing out "mistakes". I also wondered for what it's worth if this behaviour by your Mum could be a change in personality signalling onset of dementia?

what a ridiculous thing to say. Maybe he works in IT, or HR, or supplies - why on earth does

I don’t see why you should find a strategy for putting up with rude/irritating comments.

On the coat thing, I’d have probably said something like ‘I’m a grown up mum, I can decide when to put a coat on’.

On the weight comment that was just plain rude, and I don’t see why you can’t tell her so.

The politics, almost similar to the coat, sounds like she’s treating you like a child, and doesn’t appreciate or understand that as an adult you’ll have your own opinions.

I’d make a conscious effort to call that out then, next time say ‘mum, yet again you’ve got me on my own to make a rude/disparaging comment to me, why are you doing this?’

I'd very obviously avoid being on my own with her, so that she even notices that you are doing it.

If she tries to get you on your own I'd say something like "Mum I don't want to hear any more criticism about my appearance, and you seem to be doing that a lot. We're on holiday and I find it hurtful so I don't want to hear it any more."She'll bluff and bluster about how she is doing it for your own good, but if she tries again I'd be quite blunt and tell her to Back off, or your appearance is not up for discussion.