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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to consider moving to a different country for six months with work?

15 replies

waterproofed · 21/10/2022 15:56

I have an opportunity of a lifetime to work in Rio de Janeiro for 6 months. I’m fluent in Portuguese and familiar with the culture. DH and DCs would stay in the UK, we’d never go longer than 6 weeks without seeing each other.

Interested to hear from other people who have done similar. How has it affected your kids/marriage?

Background:

DC (8 & 11) both settled at excellent local schools. DH works FT, but is very capable and will have lots of family help. DCs love to travel and will like spending the summer in Brazil.

YANBU: GO FOR IT!
YABU: You’ll be giving DC attachment issues.

OP posts:
ClairyFlare · 21/10/2022 16:14

Go for it

anyone who even thinks this would cause attachment issues needs to brush up on attachment theory.

Original poster
waterproofed · 21/10/2022 16:22

ClairyFlare · 21/10/2022 16:14

Go for it

anyone who even thinks this would cause attachment issues needs to brush up on attachment theory.

Thank you @ClairyFlare

My main worry is that I’m being selfish, but I really want to do this.

OP posts:
Igmum · 21/10/2022 16:23

Go for it! It sounds absolutely fabulous

HollyBollyBooBoo · 21/10/2022 16:23

Go for it, life is too short. Military families do this all the time!

mizu · 21/10/2022 16:24

Oh definitely go for it!

resipsa · 21/10/2022 16:26

Mine are 7 and 11. Do it! I'm seething with jealousy at the very idea! Fantastic opportunity.

Whatkatyforgottodo · 21/10/2022 16:28

My dad worked abroad for a year when I was 10 and my sisters were 8 and 6. It caused no issues in our relationship although I did miss him. Getting letters and postcards and writing to him helped and we went to visit him for 3 weeks as well. My mum didn’t work though whereas your husband is full time, but if he has really good support from family so there is always someone to stay home if one of the children is ill for example, it should be fine.

Original poster
waterproofed · 21/10/2022 16:28

resipsa · 21/10/2022 16:26

Mine are 7 and 11. Do it! I'm seething with jealousy at the very idea! Fantastic opportunity.

@resipsa come and visit! Thank you for the courage I needed, everyone.

OP posts:
InvincibleInvisibility · 21/10/2022 16:32

Go for it definitely but dont underestimate how hard it will / could be emotionally.

We moved overseas this summer and DH moved 3 months before us to start work. The hardest was the first 5 weeks before his first visit (after that he visited every 3-4 weeks)

Hard for me cos I literally had no down time (I also have 8 and 11 year olds). I was either working or looking after the DC and home. And unlike military families, our normal setup was 2 parents at home. So everything we do from sports clubs to after school care to shopping to housework etc is based around 2 of us being there.

Hard for DH as he arrived in a new place, in a new job and didn't know anyone. The evenings were the worst as he was alone in an unfamiliar house but couldn't ring anyone because of the 6 hours time difference.

It was also hard to keep in touch over the phone - he'd have to ring me early as soon as he got up and hope I wasn't in a meeting. Then we'd speak again with the Dc in our evening and his lunch break...again as long as he wasn't working.

A friend of his did a similar thing - moving before the family joined him. And again he really missed his family and struggled with loneliness.

Original poster
waterproofed · 21/10/2022 16:32

Whatkatyforgottodo · 21/10/2022 16:28

My dad worked abroad for a year when I was 10 and my sisters were 8 and 6. It caused no issues in our relationship although I did miss him. Getting letters and postcards and writing to him helped and we went to visit him for 3 weeks as well. My mum didn’t work though whereas your husband is full time, but if he has really good support from family so there is always someone to stay home if one of the children is ill for example, it should be fine.

Thank you for this - I really wanted to hear from people whose parents worked away.

My own DPs were economic migrants in a different country for a few months when I was an infant and I remember missing DM but liked being looked after by DG.

Our at home support network is second to none - we live in a multigenerational house with everyone getting on really well.

OP posts:
Original poster
waterproofed · 21/10/2022 16:36

InvincibleInvisibility · 21/10/2022 16:32

Go for it definitely but dont underestimate how hard it will / could be emotionally.

We moved overseas this summer and DH moved 3 months before us to start work. The hardest was the first 5 weeks before his first visit (after that he visited every 3-4 weeks)

Hard for me cos I literally had no down time (I also have 8 and 11 year olds). I was either working or looking after the DC and home. And unlike military families, our normal setup was 2 parents at home. So everything we do from sports clubs to after school care to shopping to housework etc is based around 2 of us being there.

Hard for DH as he arrived in a new place, in a new job and didn't know anyone. The evenings were the worst as he was alone in an unfamiliar house but couldn't ring anyone because of the 6 hours time difference.

It was also hard to keep in touch over the phone - he'd have to ring me early as soon as he got up and hope I wasn't in a meeting. Then we'd speak again with the Dc in our evening and his lunch break...again as long as he wasn't working.

A friend of his did a similar thing - moving before the family joined him. And again he really missed his family and struggled with loneliness.

Thank you for this perspective. I’m concerned about missing my children and DH, but not so much about being lonely. My job is very social, I have already scoped out a local hot yoga place, and I have a handful of friends in the city. I do think it’s much harder for men though. Brazilians are also fabulously social creatures.

I’m concerned about DH coping too, not practically but emotionally. Unlike me, he’s not so good at building support networks.

OP posts:
ClairyFlare · 21/10/2022 16:52

@waterproofed

why does it matter even if you were being selfish. People should be more selfish imo, live for you, otherwise you’ll end up regretting things down the road

Twilightstarbright · 21/10/2022 16:53

Go for it! It’s six months and they’ll get to visit an incredible country.

woff45 · 21/10/2022 16:54

Absolutely, people in the military do 6 months at a time, my kids cope with that fine. I'd do it for the opportunity of a life time.

Original poster
waterproofed · 21/10/2022 19:58

Thank you so much for sharing all of your experiences, especially those with children in military families @woff45.

@ClairyFlare You’re right, I really will regret not pursuing this.

OP posts:
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